An insecure girl, called Claire

[okapa]

Hey everyone. Enjoy reading : P

I met this girl, Claire, a month and a week ago and we started talking. I'm going to be short on details but we started dating last week.

She is the same age as me, 16, and she is very insecure, so I don't like to put too much pressure on her. Maybe I should, I'm not sure.

She attends a school which is about 15 minutes from mine, but her parents are very restrictive so I don't see her that much. I visit her on fridays and wednesdays, the rest is very irregular.

The problem is that sometimes I don't see her put too much effort in seeing me. I know most of her friends since I've been in her school before and they all say (even some who are close to me, who wouldn't lie) that she seems very happy lately and that she is always talking about me, but sometimes I just don't see it... Her best friend also tells me that she is always afraid to lose me as she thinks I'm too good for her, and she has talked to me about this, 3 times or something like that.

She has apologized more than once about the situation, and told me how she should tell her parents, even though it may be a tad early. It's not that her parents don't want her to have a bf or something, it's more like she always has to go home after class and stuff like that.

We have hanged out twice in our free afternoon (mine's mondays and wednesday, hers's mondays and thursday) but she had to lie to them, about doing some work with a coleague.

I think I'm going to wait 1 or 2 weeks as school is ending and try to get her to talk to her parents. Or at least to find a way to go out with me, because it wont last much if I can't see her during the holidays.

Any advice? Will be glad to hear from you.

[okapa]

Today she wasn't coming because she was going to the hairdresser with her mom but it got canceled and she didn't try anything.

So, I'm being a bit cold with her even though she's all nice and saying she misses me, maybe she'll make an effort...

Just though I'd update.

[Cain]

You need to tell her not to lie to her parents. That will put a negative aura over the relationship in her parent's eyes regardless of who did the lying.

Relationships are equal effort and if she's not willing to put in the equal effort, it's not worth it. But before you end it, you need to have a talk with her. Tell her that her lack of effort is bothering you and that she needs to put forth an equal amount to make it work.

[okapa]

I know but I can't just ask her to tell her parents like that, they are a bit conservative and I don't think she should tell them before we're sure it's something serious...

That's my problem or I would talk to them myself.

Even though we're serious about it, we need to prove ourselves before taking such measures... That's what I think at least, someone convince me otherwise if I'm wrong.

Thanks for the advice, really appreciated.

[Cain]

If they find out you two have been going behind their back for months and months, they are going to be offended. The dad is most likely going to be pissed, and they're going to have a negative opinion about you before they even get to know you.

[okapa]

I know, I was talking about being with her for like 2 weeks before considering talking to them... That implies about one or two lies at most.
Anyway, she already did this before, to hang out with her friends so it's really nothing new... She almost told her dad last weekend, so it shouldn't be hard, I just want to prove myself for some more days.

[Cain]

Two more weeks won't all of a sudden show that you two are serious. Hell, she can't even put forth any effort to hang out with you. Though you might be serious, she obviously isn't.

[okapa]

That's what I need to find out, I don't have enough evidence yet, I did exaggerate a bit before as I was a bit pissed off... Thanks for making me hear myself, appreciated it.

[Cain]

Don't have enough evidence? What more do you need? Are you wanting to wait another two weeks to see if she puts forth any effort?

[okapa]

Yes, I mean, we started dating last week and the only day when we'd both be availiable she told her parents she had to buy something (near where I live) and we did go out, she missed today and I got pissed off, as I can't see her very often...
At least that's what's on my mind.

[Cain]

Oh, it's only been a week? I thought it was a month and a week as per your first post.

Just wait it out. Not much we can tell you that hasn't already been said.

[okapa]

A month and a week since I've been talking to her. I'm dating her since friday lol xD

I really exaggerated, just had a bad day I guess, thanks for your support, you really helped.

[Cain]

Just let things take their course. If in a month she's still not putting forth any effort, let her go.

[vashti]

Why don't you ask her parents directly for permission to date her?

[GrkScorp]

The problem is that sometimes I don't see her put too much effort in seeing me. I know most of her friends since I've been in her school before and they all say (even some who are close to me, who wouldn't lie) that she seems very happy lately and that she is always talking about me, but sometimes I just don't see it... Her best friend also tells me that she is always afraid to lose me as she thinks I'm too good for her, and she has talked to me about this, 3 times or something like that.

Each flavor has it's own unique acquired taste.., an insecure girlfriend is not always a bad thing.., if you learn how to keep her insecurities under control.., and maybe go on to help her overcome them.., things can work out..

Sounds like she feels the same way.., and even more so than you do (because she's insecure).., she calls you up to tell you that she's going to the hairstylist.., then calls you to tell you that it's canceled.., and waits for you to ask.., she waits.., and waits.., and waits.., and so do you.., and that's the problem..

You both have competing interests.., the need to feel loved and appreciated.., the need to feel wanted.., blah blah blah..

When she stops talking.., you think.., "gosh.., she doesn't even make any effort in trying to hang out with me.., she didn't even try to see if i'm doing anything or if she can come and we can hang out.., blah blah"

When you stop talking.., she thinks.., "gosh.., he didn't ask me to hang out.., even though I told him that i'm not doing anything else.., it's like he doesn't even care.., ugh.., guys.., they have no feelings.., I swear.., totally insensitive.., they only think about themselves!"

It took me a while to figure out how to go about this.., and here's how:

Why do you want to see her take the effort and want to see you? Is it because you would like to feel that she cares about you? Has feelings for you? Would it make you feel loved? Would someone who didn't love you.., or have feelings for you.., or care about you.., be dating you? (if you answer: "yes" just for sex.., then.., apply that answer to taking the effort in wanting to see you as well.., just to have sex).., and when that person accepts the offer to spend time with you.., and spends meaningful time with you.., what does that say about them? Would someone who doesn't care do that? Would someone who doesn't have feelings for you do that? Would someone who doesn't like you.., do that?

One of you.., eventually needs to understand this.., and even more eventually.., is BOTH of you..

When you call her up and ask her to hang out.., it's not like she says "no".., she says "yes".., it's just that she wants you to call her.., and she doesn't want to make the offer herself.., she wants to enjoy the concept and idea of YOU wanting HER.., offering and asking HER to come out with YOU somewhere.., rather than the other way around.., it feeds into her need to feel loved.., and this is an insecurity that plagues not just little girls.., but everyone to some degree.., however big or small that may be..

If it really bothers you.., or you want it to stop.., then you can go up to her.., and re-frame via role-reversal:

- Explain: you know she likes you.., and you really like her too.., but you just want to hear it or see it sometimes.., like when she calls you to tell you that her hairstylist appointment got canceled.., that you want her to ask you to hang out.., or at least ask if you're doing anything during the day.., to show that you care.. blah blah blah

- Warning: The court of law.., and the court of woman.., work differently.., and in the court of woman.., if you bring forth a case.., with no emotional blackmail (guilt).., or other forms of emotional (evidence.., proof.., firepower).., then your case will be rejected.., if you make the case.., she.., (the judge).., will hit you back with:

"Well.., how come you never call me.., or whenever I call you.., how come you never ask me to hang out.., blah blah blah?"

To avoid that little nuisance.., just take the first step.., and comfort her insecurity a little bit first.., THEN make your case to her..

Best,

GrkScorp