desparate for advice please!!!

[always hope]

i will try to make this short, but i have so much info. my boyfriend of 3 years have been living together, recently we started fighting more, and one night it got to a point where i told him to leave, he has also mentioned several times that he was going to leave also. after a few weeks he packed up and went to his moms. said he is going to find an apartment. he said he still loves me and wants to fix things, so were were attending couples therapy, hes been at his moms for 2 months now, we havent been seeing each other much with our work hours. I want him to move back, but he says hes not going to until hes more financially stable, he claims he was living in my house and making a life for me, all along i thought we were building a life together,

he also says until we can communicate better hes not coming back just yet. well I was thinking maybe a few months of therapy, and he would be ready, he says he hasnt found an apartment yet, but i found an email with lease agreements and utility confirmation, and one that hes asking the power company that he needs a confirmation number so he can move in. which is a 13 mo lease,he lied to me the other night while sitting in therapy, i dont understand why we cant work things out under the same roof. how can we work things out being so distant and hardly not seeing each other. this whole mess is tearing me apart, to me it sounds like he wants to start his own life get his own things and place. but he just keeps saying hes doing it and hopefully he will be ready to move back before his lease is up.

im so torn up about this i sent him a text telling him i dont want to be strung around while hes organizing his life. and that i was sorry for bringing disappointment into his life. told him this was very hard for me and he will always be a part of my heart. and that i couldnt tolerate lies. well he eventually texted back saying im the one walking out and giving up, etc and that i must have not loved him enough to work it out. we always have to do everything his way, and i think a year is a bit long to stay away. i miss him alot and i really dont know what to do. would you stick with it and hope he comes back, or just let it go since hes so anxious to move out. any guys out there that can speak for a guys view? Do i text him back? why would he want to sign such a long lease but yet says he wants to be back more then anything. does he just need time. i dont want to throw this whole relationship away, it took me a long time to find someone and being 42, i dont want to start all over again. please send any advice. thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Always Hope, you threw him out. It's very hard to come back from that level of finality.

I agree that he would be unwise to return until he's confident that the reason for the fighting is fixed. Perhaps he's still figuring out whether or not the cause of the problems can be addressed? What were you fighting about? Tell us both sides of the story.

You say that you don't understand why he can't work things out while you're under the same roof. May I remind you that *you* asked him to leave. If fixing things while you're under the same roof is important to you, why did you throw him out? And why do you think he'd return after you did that?

I also find it interesting that the reason you give for wanting him back is that you don't want to start again - you mention nothing about love or compatibility. In short, it's all about you and nothing about him.

[always hope]

just little arguments over several things, since he got his new job, hes been hanging out at the bar more after work and getting to know the waitress very well, we fight over me having to do all the house work, pay the bills, basically i was in charge to make sure everything got done, and it would upset me then we would fight, the thing that set me off to tell him to leave was one evening we were having a great night, i asked him to send me some pic he had taken recently and to delete one i didnt like of me, so he opened his phone and asked which one, i got a quick glance of 3 pic with him sitting next to another girl, i asked about it and told him to open the picture bigger, he closed he phone and said it was nothing and that he would show me after the movie, so again i asked to see it and asked who he was next to.

he got up said he had to use the bathroom and went in there to delete them. i got very upset and asked him who the girl was, he kept saying it was no one, finally i was crying and yelling, he said it was one of the waitress at the bar hes been going to. he said it was nothing and his drunk new friend set it up so she would put her arm around him while he took pic to piss me off, I dont even know this guy, and it seemed like my guy wouldnt even stand up to this jerk and say thats enough, then i heard another story he told me that she just jumped up and came over to his table while his friend grabbed his camera, (which he never leaves laying out) and started taking pic.
i left the house, and when i came back he said it was nothing, and he started packing his stuff, hes said other times he was gonna go unless we communicate in a healthy way and go to therapy, which i really didnt understand what he was meaning. so now he says he realized he needed to get his financial situation fixed, which i thought all couples have bills to pay ect. he keeps saying he wants to move back bad, but wants to wait till things are fixed, so we dont fail. i think its kinda pointless to go to therapy and learn how to live apart, what happens when and if he would move back, more therapy to deal with the stuff we had when we lived together. a whole year is a long time, why would he want to go buy a house full of furniture and pay all the bills himself, and think thats going to help. should i agree to this? even if i think its not right, or lose what we had for good, because hes to stubborn to give in some

i feel like we have grown so much apart, but he says its going to make us stronger and miss each other more, i might see him 0nce or twice in a two week period,

[VerticalMoon]

I bet there's another woman. Between needing a separate apartment for himself and hiding pictures of himself with another girl, it all adds up too well. He wants a separate place so he can share nights with her. Don't let him play you for a fool.

[michelle23]

Yes I agree. He is cheating. You need to kick his ass to the curb. Hanging out late at night with her, pics in his phone, moving out as soon as you got a little suspicious and then saying he wants his own place.. sorry hun but its over.

[j-white]

It sounds to me as though he's bored of you and having an emotional affair at least. I don't mean to be grim but he's probably using you until he finds somebody he thinks is better, or more suited to him.

I'm opening myself up to abuse here but I've been this guy in the past, going by the sound of your waitress conversation. I'd say he probably wants to end things but doesn't want to come out as the bad guy.
Ending things and cutting your losses would be preferable to him finding his 'upgrade' (no offense intended) in a few months or years. Ending the relationship and wasting a lot more of your time in the process.

Wow, I'm being a major pessimist here! Sorry but I imagine a relationship that needs therapy after just 3 years to be a bit of losing battle.

[michelle23]

you dont sound sound like a pessimist dude. I agree with you. He is lining up a plan B-an escape route coz he probably has a fear of being on his own or just doesn't have the balls to tell her its over.

[Wakeup]

Sorry you're hurting, Hope none-the-less If he's lying while in couples councelling then you might as well save your money and call your relationship over. Did YOU tell him and the councellor that you knew he was lying because you saw the email? If you didn't, then you're just as guilty of wasting your councelling dollars as he is. If you did, then how did that go down?

I think you should throw in the towel and tell him you're not interested in him anymore, then cut all contact with him and don't reply to anything he has to say to you unless it's.. I really want this to work, can we start fresh. Don't hold your breath for that announcement.

[Wakeup]

we fight over me having to do all the house work, pay the bills, basically i was in charge to make sure everything got done,

Find yourself a man, not a little boy. When you have a man, you'll be far more attracted to him and he'll reap the rewards of your attraction.

You can do better then trying to raise a son. Who gets turned on when sub-consciously you're feeling like his mother? Ugh.

i feel like we have grown so much apart, but he says its going to make us stronger and miss each other more, i might see him 0nce or twice in a two week period,

and when you DO see him, is it all about sex or does he actually take you out, is attentive and loving, interested in what you've been doing in the last two weeks?

I'd be telling him to stop bothering me and I'd be doing my best to get on with my life without him in it.

[TablesandChairs]

He isn't working towards reconciliation, he's working towards separation. A 13 month lease spells that out clearly. He also wants the freedom to be with other women; that much is obvious. He'll have you on a leash in the background while he wants for something better to pop up.

He doesn't even sound like a great catch; you were left taking care of business while he passively lazed around. He deletes photos instead of explaining them to you and is now feeding you crumbs so you're not really in his life but not completely out of it either. Do yourself a favor - cut contact.

[always hope]

I didnt mention the email, because i didnt want him to know i looked on his phone. that would be bad, but i had to figure out what was going on. why would he be wasting time and money and suggest couples counceling is what i dont get. He has told me he wants this to work. So is he really trying to find a way out? or does he really mean it? I talked with his mom and she said she thinks he really wants to work things out. He has never done anything to indicate that he was cheating.

[always hope]

he told me he tried to delete the pic, but Icloud reloaded them, and he didnt realize they were back on his phone, and that he had nothing to do with her coming over, his new friend is the one who set it up. he says the waitress has a boyfriend, but yet he feels like he has to share all our issues with them, he says they are all friends, why would he announce that hes moving out to the waitress's at some bar, then one of them even sent him a text telling him she has a coffee table for sale if he wants one. the therapist seemed to agree with him that it was nothing and he just happened to be there while the friend played a stupid joke. wow

[always hope]

yes he takes me out, last time it was the fork and screen movie, we ordered dinner there, he still brings me flowers each month on our anniversay day.

[michelle23]

Hes LYING. Ask yourself why wud he put this waitress before you and keep going there to spend time with her if he really wants your relationship to work?

It means nothing that she has a bf. Most people who have affairs are both in long term relationships. Open your eyes girl

what good relationship needs therapy after 3 years? Its not like you have kids with him. Theres nothing holding you to him and there are better men out there. It shouldnt be this complicated. You should be happy and your not

just get rid of him.

Btw if your not happy with your counselor-ask for a referral to someone else. He shouldnt be confiding in other women about your problems. It sounds to me like they all sit at the bar and gossip about you. Confiding in ONE friend is understandable but surrounded by a pity party-not cool