Utterly confused..

[Eries]

Hi ya, this is my first post here so bear with me please. I found this site while trying to figure out whats going on.

First off, I'm 30+ years old white male, divorced with full custody of my lil girl. Been divorced for over 3 years. I am over weight, "shy", the "nice guy" and almost every relationship Ive been in, has ended due to her cheating or just falling away from each other.

So My self confidence has long been shot and even through the last 3 years, I haven't dated at all. I'm not a ladies man. I have been with alot of 1 nighters "sex buddies" and flings, but very very few actual relationships. Ive found it hard to trust people and tired of getting hurt.

Recently I found a girl I dated for a month 8-9 years ago. She is going through a divorce atm and it just so happened to be around the same time I found her actually.

Well we have been passing emails back and forth and talking on the phone almost every night the last few weeks. Talking about everything under the sun and stuff we did back while we dated or various things since then. We flirt (least I believe its flirting) talk about sex and what we like and dont like back and forth and so on. And Bitch about our "Exs" How he is a douchebag and how mines a bitch. She Loves my daughter and my daughter likes her enough to name a stuffed dinosaur she got for her birthday after her.

Then during one of our conversations she made the remark how things ended last time, and how she wasn't looking for a relationship etc etc..
I let her know Its cool, we moved on and kept the same track of conversations.

Ive made the mistakes of being too forward sometimes, with the worse (atleast I feel) being me just coming out and saying..
Hey, I like you. Ive always carried a spot for you in my heart. And loosing you all these years just made me feel like I lost a piece of me somewhere. And I care for you enough that even if you and me end up being bffs and never going further, just knowing that I can be there to cuddle up and let you know things will be ok, that would be enough.. I just don't want to loose you again. She gave a quiet reply of thank you.

Well within the last few days, she received a text from a guy she met back right after her and her husband split when she went out of town to see her dad. He doesn't live near our area, but does come through often and asked her out to dinner. She says hes totally not her type, but he is cute and asked me how I thought about it. I replied with well if he isn't your type maybe that's a good thing since its a different change of pace and worse case she would get a free dinner out of it and a night away from her kids. She agreed and is still debating on what to do.

We only talk on the phone, she lives 30+ minutes away and with the her own kids and mine its been hard to get a chance to go out and see her after all these years. So we stick with our emails/aims and phone calls.

I guess I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm actually paranoid of her even coming here and seeing this even though she never talks about coming to these type of forums.

I guess the question I have is.. What do I do? Everything I've read says look for body signs, but we never get to see each other atm. She is confused about what she wants and has stated she is lonely but doesnt want to fall back into a relationship. I've asked her out but she gave me an hesitent yeah sure.. But there is a part of me that says its how I asked her out.

So I again dont know what to do.
Do I like her? Yes.
Do I love her? sadly yes.
Does she like me? Well she would have to if she calls me every night.
Does she love me? probably not.. I just dont know.

Is there anyway to find this out? or am I being stupid and looking into things too much? Any advice on how to correct things I may have done, or point me in the right direction? Anything to help me know.. Is this destined to be a friendship(continued phone calls, etc.. and helping her through to her next relationship), or possible romance(dating, holding hands, watching movies and snuggling together and truly being there for each other)?

[SS Gal]

If she is going through a divorce at the moment, I can guarantee you she is hurting and needs a friend to talk to. You may just be a friend that she has found to help her through this hard time in her life. My suggestion would be to just be there for her and stop putting her on the spot about going out, hanging out, meeting, etc., etc. Once her divorce is over or the drama has died down where she is in a good place to move on, she may or may not realize what her feelings are for you and you guys can go from there. Dating too soon after divorce or during divorce when emotions are running high and loneliness sets in can be a recipe for disaster, but that's another topic.

The other ladies on here can offer up their opinions, but I for one will give a guy signals such as saying things along the lines of "Well if we ever go out......" or "next time we meet...". That way, I'm letting him know that I'm up for meeting, going out, etc. If I have no interest in ever going out with a guy, I will NEVER bring up us meeting, having dinner, hanging out, etc., etc. I've always had a problem with guys reading too much into me being nice, so I'm very careful as to the signals that I give out. I also try to let the guys down gently by saying things about not wanting a relationship so they don't ask me out and put me in the position of having to turn them down. I hate to tell you, but from what you said, that sounds like what she is doing to you also. But again, it could be for a number of reasons...her ongoing divorce, the distance, her fears of starting another relationship so soon, etc., etc. Bottom line...just keep being a friend and be patient. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

[Eries]

First off thanks for the response and yeah, I do understand how she need a friend more than anything else right now. Going through a divorce myself I completely understand the whole "Hurting, and how dating too soon after divorce or during divorce when emotions are running high and loneliness sets in can be a recipe for disaster". I only asked her out due to missing out on a previous outing she invited me to. We have talked about going to Disneyland next year with the kids, and how I MUST go out with her for her next birthday.

Ive only asked her out once, and told her, I'm not talking about a date, I'm talking about getting you out, showing you a fun time let us relax and maybe see a movie afterward. That is why I think she gave the UH yeah, but honestly it could be the other way.

The main reason I'm confused is how she will call me.. I don't call, I never call her. I don't want to be a burden or like you said pushy. Also I'm afraid to call her and it be while the Ex is there. However when she calls me we talk till she is falling asleep and goes to bed. Normally talking for 2-3+ hours.

Its just the constant calling and flirting and how she isn't in to this sexual thing and she always brings up a certain pair of panties that she knows I like and how I get frustrated about they way she describes them and how they look on her.

Also I'll give tonight's convo as an example. She starts about how her ex was cheating on her and how she found this out, and how he is being an ass and threating to take her kids from her and etc... We talk about this that and various things, then She begins to tell me all about the guy who texted her like I said in my first post.

Told me how she is planning to meet up with him and how she loves that fact he is sooo modest about what he does for a living. Looking him up via Google and his websites. I mean I know there is no chance in hell against this guy if she goes for him. Hes better looking, makes more money, is in the music industry and is more "famous" than I will ever be short of assassinating someone famous.

Then it switches to back funny things with our kids and current events and then finally when we were together and how she still has all the gifts I bought her, even till today and how when we were together I was a dj and made a set just for her. Recorded it, dropped it on a CD and gave it to her after we split. It was one of my finest mixes and she received the only finalized version. (Which was later stolen from her car) It was her favorite and how she misses it so etc... Then finished up and said our goodnight and she said she would talk with me tomorrow.

I mean the only reason Im so discombobulated about all of this is simply this.
After my divorce, I gave up on women. I figured my hand can do almost everything a women can do with little effort and a hell of alot cheaper and less heartache. I put my focus into my own daughter and raising her the best I can.

Then I meet find her after these years and POW shes going through the same thing as what happened to me, and we just happened to find each other right as her marriage is ending. THIS MUST BE FATE!!!!!!

To BAM crossed signals and uncertainty about women and how to read into what they may be thinking. I know body language, and how to read signs in person, but this whole internet/phone is just so different.

I have no problem being just a friend, well deep down I know I do, but it is something I can see myself settling into. I've missed her so much, and would never want to loose her again. There is a part of me that wants to say, If I'm meant being the guy who was put to the back burner then I would abide. Because well... Like I said I've spent the last three years single Whats another 3, or 4 or 5 or 10.. But I just don't want her to think I will always be waiting, because I really don't want to be the "just in case this guy don't work, or if this guy don't work or if this guy don't work.." Or be the one she talks to then finds a guy and I'm just dropped from her life and not talking with me like we do now. I don't believe I'm selfish in thinking that. I just don't know what to do...
And at this point I'm just rambling. So I'll just stop here for now.

[SS Gal]

I understand how you can feel like she's giving you mixed signals. My feeling is that she wants you to want her because her ego has taken a bruising from her divorce (no matter who initiated it) and she wants to feel desirable. That would explain the panty part of your conversation. She KNOWS that is going to get to you and she enjoys that power. However, she doesn't appear to want you for anything more than a friend by telling you about this other guy. The conversations are long probably because she doesn't like or want to be alone and may truly enjoy talking with you AS A FRIEND. My guess is that she is using you to fill that void until she gets a full-time man in her life.

Mind you, this is all my opinion as a woman. I may be wrong, but I really do feel like she only sees you as a friend and does not want anything else from you at this time. I really think that if she did, she would have spoken up by now and given you a signal that she wants to spend time with you. If you are ok with that, keep answering her calls. If you aren't, you need to stop being so available to her because it is obviously taking a toll on your emotions. There is nothing worse than a one sided relationship. I understand your history with this girl and all that, but I don't have high hopes for this working out from what you've said.

On a side note, have you tried or considered trying any of the popular dating sites to meet someone? Focusing your time and energy into something that may lead to a happier ending may be worth thinking about.