Please Help! Blindsided!

[kcgirl]

My boyfriend and I have known one another for fifteen years. We have been best friends for almost seven, and dated for two and a half. We have lived together for two years. Because we felt that we jumped into living together, when our lease expired in November, we were considering getting our own places. Just to feel some independence. I was perfectly fine with this decision although it wasn't my first choice. We have been able to talk openly about it.

We have had our ups and downs like any couple ... but we've also been through some very heavy shit. I was raped as a teen and again as an adult. I was molested by my father as a child. I grew up living in over 100 houses. We moved constantly. My parents were abusive. Both of my parents are mentally ill and alcoholics. I currently have no relationship with them and no family to speak of. On his end, his parents divorced when he was young and his relationship with his father is strained. His mother has a drug problem, but it still very present in his life. They get along well, and he prefers not to acknowledge her addiction. I have spent time with the family on holidays, etc.

in the beginning of our relationship things were rocky, but always because of outside factors. We were in survival mode, handling each crisis as it came, and as a team. We fought frequently. However, for the last few months, things have been completely different. We haven't fought, we haven't had anything close to an argument, and we've been overly loving and supportive to one another. It's almost like we were back in the beginning of our relationship.

Two weeks ago I got out of a week long hospitalization for being suicidal. I have lived my entire life with mental illness that was undiagnosed and untreated. I was finally officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Dissociative Disorder. I am on medications that will regulate in my system in about three weeks. I am in outpatient treatment for individual as well as group counseling, Al-Anon, and seeing a doctor to get my meds adjusted as needed.

In short ... everything finally makes sense. Why we were fighting, why I couldn't control my emotions, and what the problems in our relationship were at the core. We've been happy ... truly happy... since even before I went in to seek treatment for myself. I'm on a regular routine .. I'm stable. We're stable.

That is ... until last night. He came home oddly late after being out all night (he is not prone to this) and told me he had been thinking. Apparently his professor asked him a question in class (the whole class actually): If you were stranded on a deserted island, what's one thing you would want with you? He said most people gave shallow answers like a cellphone. He then said that one woman said her husband. He couldn't think of an answer. He said that it would be nice to get a vacation. From school, his two jobs, his family obligations, and everything else he's supposed to accomplish in a day. He said I get upset when I don't get enough time from him (which I think is him reading too much into a simple text to ask when he'll be home so I can make dinner ... this is all I can think of). He said that he thought he loved his ex girlfriend, but found out she lied to him and manipulated him ... so now he's scared that he doesn't know what love is and maybe he doesn't love me like he thought he did. He also said that if we are supposed to get married and spend the rest of our lives together, then he needs to know he will be miserable without me. So he wants to break up ... and have me move out tomorrow. He said that this isn't about seeing someone else and that he doesn't want to see anyone else ... this is just about figuring out where he is in life and being miserable without me. But that makes so little sense to me.

He knows that I was out of work for an entire pay period and have nowhere to go. He knows I have no one to rely on and no means of supporting myself with 24hrs notice. He says he doesn't care ... he can't do this anymore because he needs to know and I need to have faith. I tried to reason with him, but he just started saying horribly cruel things to me. He said he had to say those things to drive me away.


I am just trying to wrap my head around things. None of this makes any sense. I didn't even text him when he was missing for so long to see where he was. I was asleep when he came home and woke up to the light coming on, asked if he was okay and where he'd been. Out of curiosity not hostility. Then he dropped all of this on me and agreed that we would work on us as a couple but I would move out. This morning he said he didn't mean any of that. Then he said that he does care. Then he told me I could die for all he cared... none of this makes any sense it's totally unlike him. He's never once acted like this before.

I asked him what's causing all this, and he keeps bringing up stuff that happened at least a year ago ... things we had no control over. Yes, I leaned on him for support when I went through all of my trauma, and yes at times I am sure it was overbearing ... but at the same time we both had a clear discussion MONTHS ago and decided that the past was behind us and we would focus on the here and now. It was his decision.

Please help me shed some light on this situation. What do I do? Is this just him feeling overwhelmed by stress at a major point in his life? Is it fear? I am just seeking some understanding.

[IndiReloaded]

He's kicking you out w/24 hrs notice? Wow. He sounds like a jerk. Did you try to kill him in his bed last night or something similar? Is there that much urgency required?

I think you should definitely leave, asap. I wouldn't want to be with someone who makes snap decisions like this w/o even trying to discuss with you. He sounds nuts and you clearly have issues to sort out. Neither of you are going to be good for the other.

Good luck.

[kcgirl]

He goes back and forth. He said at first that if I wanted to I could stay and he would crash with his parents until we figured something out. Then it was why drag it out, I should go stay with a mutual friend of ours who has an open bedroom for rent. Then it was I just don't want to see you.

This is so uncharacteristic of him. We've always talked openly about everything, and had a very strong and healthy relationship as friends and lovers. This just seems to be coming out of nowhere.

I know that he won't actually kick me out of the house. He has maintained the entire time we've known each other (and even currently) that he wants me to be safe and healthy above all else. So, I do not see this as a real threat although obviously some arrangement will have to be reached. He also knows that I have a right to stay until the lease expires, and that we need to sit and talk about exactly what this means. For all of our furniture, our dog, everything... It's just all the flip flopping that has me concerned. It's like he is so confused by something he can't make up his mind on anything. If our relationship is over, then I hardly have a say in that matter, but should we even try to talk things over? I feel like the real issue is something deeper and he doesn't want to open up.