Rock Bottom and Blindsided.

[oceangirl89]

Hello Love Forum'ers

I write this post today with great embarrassment and sadness, yet under the hope that some of you may be able to shed some light on my situation and offer any guidance or advice you may be willing to share.

Recently, I have discovered my on/off boyfriend of over 2+ years has been living a double life.

Yes, I know, the on/off tidbit is not a good indicator from the get-go. We had been dating on and off, mostly very on, for the last 2 years. When times were good, they were very good and when times were bad, well, they were bad. There were times when I questioned certain things about our relationship only to be proven wrong and made myself feel like an idiot because I was wrong. (ie: thinking he was with another woman, only to find him home alone in bed. to find him being secretive, only to find out he was planning a surprise for me, etc) Going into this relationship, I considered myself to be a very realistic and no-bullsh$t type of lady. I was skeptical, even when I thought I shouldn't have been. Never in a million years, would I dreamed of having the wool pulled down so far over my eyes. So many times when something "didn't feel right" and I took it on myself to catch him in whatever he wasn't being honest about, I was wrong. Eventually, I just felt like I was sabotaging my own relationship when time after time of being wrong about him and his intentions just made me look like an idiot, eventually, I just stopped questioning everything so in depth.

To get the point across that this was not a silly relationship: I was close and well-acquainted with his friends and family, his co-workers, we purchased a house together and even tried to start a family together (and trust me, this is NOT something I would have ever chose to do had I found out anything to ever prove my feelings that something was seriously wrong) His life knew me. I knew his life. (or.... so I thought...)

A few months I received a message indicating that my boyfriend has been lying to me and has been unfaithful. Nothing more amounted from this message and figured it was someone just trying to have some fun with me. Fast forward to last week when a conversation occurred to find out not only has he been unfaithful, but *I* was the one he was being unfaithful with. Photo evidence proved that "the love of my life" had been seeing another woman, much older than i, for about 6-8 months before I ever entered the scene. Had it not been for the timestamps of these photos, never in a million years would I have believed this because I was so much apart of his life that if there was another woman, surely I would have known. I was essentially the "public girlfriend" while she was the behind the scenes girlfriend that nobody, and I mean nobody, knew about.

Now, this is not the typical "I can't believe he cheated on me" shock. This is, the last two years of my life have been a total and complete sham kind of shock. I still can't wrap my head around it given the amount time him and I spent together, the closeness of our relationship or everything we've been through but like I said, it's been proven. I went into this relationship so skeptical and cautious, how could this happen? How could I let this happen? How could I in 2 years, never find a single bit of info out about this in an EXTREMELY small city? I know for a fact his friends and family aren't just covering for him and they have no idea who this girl is. How do you build your life with someone for over 2 years, only to have everything crashing down right in front of you? I consider myself to be able to keep it all together and I have honestly no idea where I even start to pick up all the pieces or where I start with anything. In the last week, I've spiraled into a pretty dark and deep depression and I have no idea how to even begin to have a thought about where I start from here.

I truly hope none of you have been in this situtation because the pain I'm feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone but if anyone has any idea of how I can start picking my life up back together again, please share. Your input is always welcomed, even if it's not what you think I want to hear.

[TheEvilJester]

I wish you could tell you there is some easy, magic formula to get you to bounce back quickly like nothing is wrong. Unfortunately, the truth is this sort of thing is going to hurt. Really, time is all that is going to help you get past this. You can, however, help the process along. First, though, take some time to grieve. You were very wronged, and you certainly have every right and every reason to be sad because of that. So, allow yourself to feel that.... but just not for too long. Before long, start to distract your mind with things that make you happy. Spend time with friends, family, loved ones. Spend time doing hobbies, or maybe even pick up some new hobbies.

Maybe even do things that make you feel better about you, such as exercising or buying some nice new clothing. In time, you will start to feel better and will realize that you are much better off without somebody like that in your life. It's just a shame it had to take you two years to learn that. If nothing else, one thing you want to take away from this is that if something about a relationship just does not feel right to you... that is probably because something is not right.

You mention that you constantly felt like something just was not right.... but any time you would try to catch him it would turn out you were wrong. ...Bu the thing is A) You still kept feeling like something was wrong and B) obviously SOMETHING made you suspicious in the first place. I wouldn't think you'd be so paranoid that he was doing something wrong if there wasn't some reason that was making you suspicious.

Now, if you do happen to have a habit of over-reacting/worrying over nothing, then maybe you could argue it could have just been that. I don't know you, so obviously I can't say. But, a general rule of thumb is if you feel like something is wrong, that is probably because something is. I am SO sorry that he was able to hide it from you for so long. Of course you are feeling very depressed. This guy wasted two years of your life. If nothing else, think of it this way.... at least it wasn't even more. In the grand scheme of things, two years isn't that long. Believe me, I understand it doesn't feel that way when you are thinking back to how much time you wasted with this guy, but in no time you will move on, find somebody better, and that two years will feel like two weeks.

Also thank your lucky stars that you and he never did have children. Now you can make a clean break from him. You don't have to have him still in your life in ANY capacity as you likely would if he was the father of your children. I know this can be hard to believe now, but there IS somebody out there for you if you want him. You WILL find him some day. Don't let a jerk like that ruin that chance for you. It will take time, but in no time you will feel better. Learn to feel whole again just in and of yourself... and then find somebody who will make you feel even MORE than whole.

Good luck!