To split or not to split... what is the right thing to do

[SillyMe]

Hi,
I've been in the relationship with this guy for 8 years now. We met through a friend who thought we were very compatible. WE first started chatting on MSN Messenger for a year, and then decided to meet in person a year later.
Apparently, when we met in person, he decided he wanted to be with me, and we started going out on dates and have been together since (8 years).

We've had many many fights. Mainly because we have very different opinions on many things. I'm somewhat free-spirited, I do things without plans, i'm spontaneous, in a way, I get very impulsive.
He, on the other hand, is very careful. He makes decisions based many steps of ahead, he claims he thinks about the future carefully. He doesn't make decisions impulsively.

8 years later, we've talked about getting married, but the conversation doesn't usually end with any conclusion.
For example:
I say" I'd like to get married so we can start a family"
He says" what, now?"
I say "no, not now, but we need to get engaged first"
and that's the end of the conversation.

I wonder if he's even taking us seriously. Does he think about a future with me? Or is he just stringing me along as long as he can. How can i tell?
He is very good to me, he pays a lot of attention to me. Everytime we're together, he wants to cuddle, when we make a decision on what movie to watch, he asks me first. When we decide on what to eat, he does the same.
I went through a very rough time, and had to go on stress leave from work, was deealing with serious anxiety and panic attacks, and he was there for me 100% of the time. He would research and try to find ways to help me through.

But, I can't help but wonder if we're really meant to be together. If he hasn't already thought about proposing by now, should I move on? He claims I am not showing enough emotions and affections when I'm with him. He wants to make sure I'm serious about him as much as he is with me. So I'm confused.
Is he finding excuses so he doesn't have to talk and deal about this topic?
Is he afraid? How do I know if I should just move on? Or stick around?

[michelle23]

How old are you both? Are you solid financially? Do you live together? If not how often do you see each other?

8 years is a long time. If he has not made up his mind yet-you should do what is best for you. If that biological clock is ticking and he isnt showing signs of wanting kids anytime soon-you may need to cut your losses and find someone else if you dont want to miss out.

[kat82]

When he talks about his future, is it all "I" or "Me" or is it "Us" & "We"?

The first few years I was with my significant other, he would talk about his future with only him in it...."I am going to move to Florida some day." After some time it changed to "We should look into living here some day" and that's when I knew he wanted to be with me for the long haul. You need to figure out if you really want to get married & start a family, and if you do, you need to make that very clear to him and finish the conversation. If he just keeps avoiding the topic, it could be time to move on.

I have now been with my fiance for 8 years, and we have decided to get married next fall. We probably would have been married 2 years ago if it weren't for his financial troubles, which are now clearing up. You need to figure out why he's not willing to take that next step forward.

[pcmaster]

Looks like you both are insecure about eachother. He saying that you dont show much emotions. He wonders if you love him. You think that he dont wana marry. Just ask him to marry you. Yes or No its as simple as that. Theres no escape from direct question.

[SillyMe]

we're actually both over 30, and we don't live together. I am traditional in the way that I don't believe in co-habitation before marriage-otherwise, what's the point in getting married? there's nothing to look forward to starting a new chapter with someone.
maybe my traditional thinking is getting in my way of being happy.
Maybe something is holding me back.

[SillyMe]

We're financially stable, and i think we're both mature and responsible. But maybe it's true, we're insecure about each other. Or maybe I have to find out why he's not ready.
Aside from him saying he's not sure if I feel the same about him the way he does with me, even though I keep thinking that's his excuse.

[SillyMe]

Thanks. there's been occasional " we, us", and he'd argue he thinks about me being in his future.
But so far, I get the feeling he's not being truthful.

It's like he's hiding something.

When he talks about his future, is it all "I" or "Me" or is it "Us" & "We"?

The first few years I was with my significant other, he would talk about his future with only him in it...."I am going to move to Florida some day." After some time it changed to "We should look into living here some day" and that's when I knew he wanted to be with me for the long haul. You need to figure out if you really want to get married & start a family, and if you do, you need to make that very clear to him and finish the conversation. If he just keeps avoiding the topic, it could be time to move on.

I have now been with my fiance for 8 years, and we have decided to get married next fall. We probably would have been married 2 years ago if it weren't for his financial troubles, which are now clearing up. You need to figure out why he's not willing to take that next step forward.

[bearz]

Until you actually have been living together for a while you don't really know the other person. I would not want to get married until I know how life is with the girl of my dreams being around me 24/7. When I get married it's really only going to be a signature on a piece of paper, nothing in my life should change. I know this sounds pretty drastic, but that's just what it boils down to.

Getting married too early is a mistake a lot of people make and then they end up getting a divorce. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I wouldn't want to take that risk but if that's what you strongly believe in then that's what you gotta do.

[smackie9]

You have been together for 8 bloddy years and there's issues about going through with a marriage.....move on and find someone who is on the same page as you. Just because you have 8 years invested doesn't mean you have to make it work. If it sucks now, getting married and having kids will just make things worse.

[smackie9]

We're financially stable, and i think we're both mature and responsible. But maybe it's true, we're insecure about each other. Or maybe I have to find out why he's not ready.
Aside from him saying he's not sure if I feel the same about him the way he does with me, even though I keep thinking that's his excuse.

It's not the fact that he isn't ready, it's the fact that you are not the one he wants to marry. You would have married by now if you were.

[VincenzoG91]

You have described this guy as somebody who really plans ahead. But he doesn't seem to have any long-term plans involving you. I think that he is afraid of commitment.

[michelle23]

I agree with bearz. Your first year living together could be a nightmare and it could end in a divorce court. If hes not ready by now-he never will be. Have one more talk with him and if your not happy with his answers-cut your losses now. 8years is a long time to waste if your not planning to take it to the next level. You should be married by now or at least living together and planning a baby.
Its too much to get married, move in together and get pregnant all in the one year. Its too much too fast. You should have moved in together 4years ago, gotten married within 2years and then start planning a family now. Thats the way id do it but its your choice. You wont really no if your compatable or not until you have lived together for a year or two.

[HeartIsAching]

Need more information...

Have you actually communicated this to him? If so, how? How did he respond?

It may be time for you to simply say "It's time for you to put a ring on my finger. If you can't do that, we should go our separate ways."

And then stick to it.

[elevator]

As others have mentioned, 8 years is a long time. If someone is still confused after so long, then something isn't right.
There is no absolutely 'perfect' time - after so long, your partner should know who you are; either that's good enough or it's not. Like the above poster, I too think it's time to have a frank discussion - and that means getting an actual answer.

I was with my ex for 9 years. While we were engaged, we never got to the alter. There was always some excuse - not enough money, not enough this, blah blah. He got married within 11 months of meeting someone else. His money situation was no better. Clearly, if it's meant to be, then hurdles can be over-come.

[pcmaster]

Looks like im the only one who voted stay.