Long distance love and he is confused...

[jrp240]

Hi all, I am new to this forum but I need some advice on a tough situation!!

Here's the background:
Boyfriend and I are both 24, been together 7 months. Met in Australia, he lives in Germany, I currently live in Massachusetts. We didn't get together until 3 years after we met after i visited my mother in germany and then took a trip together to hawaii but since the beginning we both felt like it was destiny.

Anyway, we were long distance for a few months before I went to Germany for the summer, and everything was great during that time. Once I got to Germany, I became confused about what I wanted, I had to work by my mother who lives 3 hours from him, and little stresses seemed to whittle away at us. We took a road trip around Europe for a month which was great, but at the same time I was often sick (much due to anxiety problems) and these little stresses added up as well, even though we hardly ever argued about anything. We also had some of the best times ever, but ever since I returned from Germany, things are much different from what they were.
He was talking to me about getting married at the beginning of the summer, we figured there would be a way to work out the distance, but it was hard for me at that time because it took a long time for me to fall in love with him. It seems that because things didn't go perfectly smooth this summer that he is now unsure of the situation and confused about what he wants. He still has university for 2-3 more years, and I am currently applying to vet school. He also loves to travel to go surfing and fears that he won't be able to do that because he feels obligated to see me on his breaks. I am optimistic about taking things slowly and just looking forward to each time we can see each other again, and I do see the end in sight, the problem is that it seems so far away. We have talked about him being unsure, he says he does still love me and he's going to try to be more optimistic, but I am now having doubts on whether we can really make this work. I love him so much, I am willing to let him go if that's what he feels is best, but I am still willing to tough it out for a few years and see what happens, because I don't want to lose him and I know he feels the same. At the same time he also feels it would be easier for him if we ended things even though neither of us wants that. He also still makes an effort to call me every day even from Germany and we talk online nearly every day as well.

What has been a successful approach for others in the a similar situation?
Thanks for everyone who can help me sort my mind out a bit, can't seem to think straight lately.

Sorry if this is a confusing post, I will clarify anything that needs to be!
P.S. I am currently seeing a doctor to address my anxiety, so hopefully that will solve the health problems that had stemmed from it.

[IndiReloaded]

Eventually, one of you will need to move to the other if you want this to work long term. Distance often kills a relationship, even w/ppl living under the same roof, lol. You need to be proactive to keep your relationship healthy if you want to remain together.

[reeba]

So you are seeing a doc SO you can STAY in the situation that is making you sick to begin with?

What does this doc think you should do?

I'm no professional, but my feeling is that you need to change the situation that your are in. Either get out of the relationship and get counciling in order to move on OR move to be closer to him. I guess you do have a third choice....keep the status quo of your relationship and keep seeing your current doc.

However, you can't use someone to be your 'happiness crutch'. You need to learn to be happy with yourself. You sound as if you are not happy with yourself. If that is the case get out of the relationship and get counciling.

Second, don't make sacrifices that you will regret your whole life. It is OK to postpone vet school for a year to go to Germany to be near him and your mother. What is one year over a lifetime? BUT do you want to postpone your dreams for longer than one year, for a guy who won't even sacrifice a week of surfing to be with you? If he is so into surfing, what the hell is he doing in Germany? Obviously surfing isn't everything to him. So doesn't this make you wonder how valid this 'surfing' excuse is? And doesn't this make you wonder how important you are to him anyway?

[jrp240]

I think I have some clarifying to do.

I have had anxiety for most of my life, usually in spurts. It did not result from anything with my boyfriend, and the situation has not made me 'sick.' Unfortunately, my anxiety usually causes things such as being more prone to feeling ill, insomnia and stomach upset. When we have been together, we have been really happy and he has done whatever it takes to try to make me feel better. Since I was in Germany while all of it started, I was unable to make a doctor appointment to discuss possible solutions or treatments to prevent the physical problems from coming. Sooo the only thing that the anxiety has to do with the issue is that it provided constant little bummers when I wasn't feeling well constantly, which had nothing to do with him and no one could help.

I am also not relying on him to be happy. I have great friends, a great family and a good future. I am not postponing my schooling for him, I never said that. I am independent enough to know that if things don't work out between us, it isn't the end all be all. I do, however, care about him a lot and can see myself with him for a long time to come if we can work it out.

As far as his surfing goes, that is his passion in life. He goes to school in Germany (as he is german and it is nearly free) so he has always in the past taken his breaks to go travelling and surfing with the little money he is able to save. He never said he would never commit to coming to see me, he just doesn't want to have to give up the two things he loves to do, travel and surf, which I don't want him to do. I don't think that's too outrageous.

Thanks for your input reeba, but I dont think we have the same outlook on the situation.

[Gigabitch]

Sadly, this looks like a go-nowhere relationship to me. Don't you want more?

[vashti]

I think you should not be talking about marriage until you live in the same city for a year or so. Long distance relationships are not representative of what a day-to-day relationship is like.

[IndiReloaded]

I think you should not be talking about marriage until you live in the same city for a year or so. Long distance relationships are not representative of what a day-to-day relationship is like.

+1^

As for this:

Thanks for your input reeba, but I dont think we have the same outlook on the situation.

that may be, but you've ignored the others posters who *do* likely have a read on your situation. Either she's gone, or not hearing what she'd like to hear?