Need an Outside Perspective

[vintage_girl]

Hello there! I hope everyone is doing well! Thanks for taking a moment to read my post.

To cut to the chase, here's my relationship dilemma:

I'm a 33 yo female, dating a 41 yo man. We've been together almost a year. A few months ago he deployed to Afghanistan. It's been difficult to say the least. Essential info: We love each other, are growing our relationship, have no fidelity issues, and have started talking about marriage.

So the problem?
We met (and started dating) about 3 months after he ended a serious relationship that ended with his trust being sorely broken by his ex. Our relationship ignited quickly and we soon found that we were great friends and mates. I am certain he carried (carries) emotional sores with him from his last relationship, but he's been intent on moving forward in a healthy manner. I was uncertain about dating him, given his recent break up, but his earnestness compelled me to continue dating him (and he is an earnest person). Nearly two months into dating, he said that perhaps we could consider moving in together in a few months when both of our leases expire. When the time arrived for a discussion (and after I inquired about his statement), he told me that he and his family did not believe in pre-marital cohabitation and that we should see how the r'shp evolves. While I didn't disagree with him, I was upset at how that situation played out.

Two months later (now four months into our r'ship) he received orders for a one-year tour in Afghanistan. It was shocking to us both, since he wasn't slated for a deployment. But, deploy he must. And so, our relationship quickly devolved from the "wooing/courtship" period to "sacrifice and commitment". He told me that he loved me (I believe him), and I told him that I loved him too. We spent the next several weeks preparing physically and emotionally for his deployment. It's been beyond difficult.

Which brings me to today: We are now about 3 months in to his deployment, and I'm having an increasingly difficult time handling his deployment... mainly because of the uncertainties surrounding our relationship. I would like to get married/have kids, and he's expressed the same. We've talked about what it would be like to do that together (admittedly, this initial conversation required me to prod him a bit). Since then, he's been proactive in talking about what the future for us would be like, and has said that he hopes we'll get engaged sometime in 2013, and married in 2014.

But if I can be totally honest (on an internet forum): I am anxious. Part of me fears that he'll do a bait-and-switch like he did about living together when we first started dating. Moreover, (and maybe this is wrongfully old-fashioned), but I had hoped he would bring up marriage before I did (and without my prodding). I think the origin of my anxiety is this: we didn't have enough time during the "courtship" period for him to show to me that his feelings are genuine, mainly because his deployment interfered with that. As a result, I feel anxious that the man I love may not be quite as invested in the relationship as I.

And further, I want to be supportive of him while he is deployed. He's risking his life over there, and the last thing he needs is a relationship quandary.

I want to do the right thing, by him, and by myself. I welcome all comments and perspectives, as this is quite unfamiliar territory for me.

Thank you in advance!

[InYourFACE]

ou know im like, but you knew that he is a soldier. what did yu aspect?
that he will be always at home making peace ?

At least did you even take time to get to know this dude? NO!

I think you rush into every stage of a relationship, and i see you want to rush into marriage also
while there are no good foundation to do so.

He barely took time to get over his break up, you jumped into a relationship with him without thinking about that,
you barely know this dude and you already talking about marry and you love him and he love you.
So you dont even know what love is
Love is something that CAN grow with time, so your love affair can also end up in noting.

And the first years of a relationship is often the fun period and the time that people are crazy about each other
and dont think much about the real serious stuff and still getting to know more about each other.
When this period is over, often the real issues arrive(which was there from day one) but you was to inlove to spent time to them.

I think people that work in the military intentionally find its important to have
some kind of a gf or wife to come to , when they get back home.
so they can have a "safe" place to be back to.
But they also have a lot of issues to deal with, cause what they send them to do is not normal.

So i wonder if you even did think about who you was dating?
and what are issues you may get to deal with at a certain point just for the fact that you are dating someone
with not a normal "job".

I guess you did not. and that is why take time to get to know one another is so important.
cause in that period you give the other the time to open up to you 2. and you can have your time
to see what kind of person it is for real.
By jumping into things now you did not do step 1 2 3 4, but you want to jump from 0 to get to 100.

And rushing into things serious like this can makes you hurt yourself very serious.

And now you have so much doupts about this, but you still talk about want to marry and live together??
so you know there is something wrong but you still want to make it worse?!!!!!!
and if you bring kids into this it will not get better.
but worse, also for the innocent kids you intentionally brings in.

Maybe you should get some information about people that dates or are married to military people.
before you even think about going further with him,
cause i guess you are in your 30 s but still naive (nicely said).

Cause your life will not be the same as others.
Did you think about the fact that one day you suddenly can have a handicapped ,or dead husband?
or one that cant function normal, cause of all he go true in that kind of world(soldier/war/shooting/killing/ etc),

People can make naturally sacrifices and commitment when they have a great foundation and love relationship for years.

[InYourFACE]

cause you jumped from 0 to 10 , maybe you should talk to his parents, just to get more
support but more important to know what it means to be wth someone like that.

sso you can make a choice to stay or leave.

if you have done your homework from day one you could have know enough to make your choice early.

[Wakeup]

Goodness gracious you don't even know this man and you're pushing to be married to him? You've spend about two months (not the total two months either) together. What is your hurry? Thank goodness that his parents were able to talk some sense into him about living together so soon after meeting.

If you can't take him being away and you need to go out and find someone here that will marry you so quick (what is your rush) then leave the poor guy now. He's being smart, you're being desperate so you have two choices: Leave now because you're desperate to be married with family and don't care so much to figure out your ability to be happy together through time and learning about one another. You're still in the honeymoon stage (not the best time to make life altering decisions) or: Stay, get to know him better when he's finished his deployment and then decide while being fully informed if you're even compatible enough to enjoy a marriage with one another.