Hi, I am new here and have come here looking for advice as I don't have anyone else to talk to about this really.
I am a 42 year old gal and have been in a relationship with a 36 year old guy for just over 5 months now. From the start it has been stormy.
I could write pages of stuff that has gone on but briefly the issues I want to talk about here are to do with control and trust.
For various reasons I didn't have many friends when I entered into this relationship including having social anxiety (SA). However I did have a couple of ex boyfriends whom I'd been friends with for years after the relationships were over plus a few online friends and some acquaintances. One way or another my bf has found reasons for me to stop seeing the ex bfs. One was because I let slip that one of them probably still has some 'revealing' pics of me, we did a badminton class together but I have had to give that up. The other I think was just because I went out with him for about 4 years in total.
I don't like to feel totally dependent on him so I tried looking for a couple of new female friends and that caused a huge amount of fuss between us as he felt threatened that I might go out with them to a pub and be chatted up by men. However this was far from my intention and in fact would feel quite uncomfortable if we did get chatted up due to my SA. As it happens the new friends didn't work out, we met once and it didn't progress from there.
I have some health problems which makes it difficult for me to work during the daytime, I have a part time business but this only brings in a small income. Early on in the relationship I suggested getting a job in a pub - this caused a huge row also so I haven't done it.
My bf told me that he thought I should see him at the very least (and this took some hard negotiating) 5 nites per week (he has college on one of those nites) including the whole of the weekend - weekends are certainly not negotiable. That is to say unless he wants to negotiate some 'time off' eg to watch football on a Friday nite.
Every time there is an issue between us he ends up breaking up with me and we have horrendous fights for a few days (not physical but he tried to kick in my front door one nite whilst drunk), invariably I end up taking the blame for everything and we get back together.
He himself has a lot of friends that he communicates with via text and facebook and some by telephone as well as good friends with work colleagues. He has a few friends outside work he sees occasionally. Other than that he likes to go to the pub. He usually goes to the same pub where he has developed a close friendship with the woman behind the bar whom he confides in about our relationship and problems. He goes there on our 'nites off' and also more and more frequently straight after work for a couple of hours before seeing me. After a few drinks he can become quite argumentative with me eg when he telephones me after he's been to the pub on our 'nites off'.
I am really not happy with this situation. I feel insecure most of the time that we could break up any day if I say the wrong things and unable to talk honestly with him about things as if I bring up issues it often results in him finishing with me. I also feel aggreived about what I percieve to be as double standards - I wouldn't be 'allowed' to go to the pub with friends and certainly not be allowed to have any close male friends. I also do feel threatened by the relationship he has with this woman because every time we argue he goes to the pub and talks to her about it. Then he phones me up and tells me what people in the pub think about my behaviour etc.
Time before last we broke up he phoned me and left texts telling me about his intentions to have sex with another woman he had on his facebook. I honestly believed he had done this. I was terribly upset and ended up doing a bad thing myself involving cybering with a guy I'd known online for a long time whom I did have some weird online relationship with for a while but thats another story. Things blew over and me and the bf got back together and he said that although he had arranged with this girl for her to come stay with him the weekend that he had done this while drunk and called it off the next day. I wondered about telling him about the online guy but decided it would be the final death of us and only hurt him. However a few days later he was on my computer and found the chat log which I was sure I had deleted. So we fell out again for another few days in which I begged for forgiveness and he finally forgave me.
Things were good for 10 days or so but the cracks are starting to show again. Any time I try to discuss anything he reminds me about the awful thing I did. Things just ain't right between us I feel. I want things to work with him but I find it hard to give the commitment he wants ie devotion to him and not having any friends. He trys to tell me that that is what it is like with couples, that they don't see friends or go out to classes but only keep in touch with old friends (well I didn't have many only the ex bfs which I'm not allowed to see now). I also feel that we haven't really discussed the trust issues or reason for the infidelities or threat of on his part.
When things are good between us it seems like it is very good and he is good to me in lots of ways like insisting on cooking dinner for me. However we always have to do what he wants to do which is watch a film or tv and he will never come to my house. I get bored with this night after night and try to suggest doing other things but this often ends up with him getting angry at me accusing me that nothing he does for me will ever be enough etc.
I dont know what to do anymore. I tried talking to him about things yesterday on the telephone by saying that I felt we still needed to discuss things but he reacted in his usual defensive/offensive way immediately going on the attack and it wasn't long before he started threatening splitting up again, so I just left it. But I know that if I just keep stum about how I feel about things that I'm just going to end up harbouring resentments and I am likely to build up a barrier between us, keep him at a bit of a distance, get frustrated and well start dreaming of finding a better relationship with someone else.
I don't want to do this I want to save the relationship. Any advice, comments, feedback on this would be most welcome.
Thanks Kari