I know that since I have joined I have given the advice to "kick the losers and wait for a real winner" but what happens when you are going through the aftermath of a break-up? I have known my ex since my freshman year of high school. He was the person that taught me how to do the very thing that kept me going through high school and that was how to throw discus on the track team. Without discus, who knows where I may have ended up through the years of highschool. There were some turns that I could have definitely taken that I didnt because of being on the track team. We were just friends up until my second semester of my freshman year of college (last school year). I was in a really crappy "relationship" ((if you can even call it that)) and he had started going to the same college as me that semester. It started out as just hanging out and being friendly and flirty and all that, but when I told him that I had finally put my foot down and ended things with the guy I was seeing, he immediately made a move for me. Just getting out of a relationship I was very distant from him at first. I even cheeked the first kiss he tried to give me! It didn't take long for him to prove to me that I could trust him and be myself around him. At my worst and my best.... or so I thought. I will admit, I let myself fall WAYY too fast for him. But, he made it seem like that was alright. We talked about everything (I thought) and when one of us had an issue we brought it up and worked it out right away. He became my best friend and we spent all of our free time together. I got so used to him being around and being all about me that I was clueless at what was really going on. I always looked up to him and in a way put him on some sort of pedestal. He was there for me through everything with the bad relationship and I honestly thought that he would never do anything to hurt me. We always had so much fun together and there was never a dull moment. I was so happy with him. He did all the right things said all the right things and I honestly believe that he truly cared (and still cares for me). The shitty part about it is two months into the relationship he left for vacation in a different country. When he left we had been going through a rough time because he drank a little too much one night and ended up making out with another girl. I am the type of person who really hates it when a person cheats. I had told him many times before that that I would not tolerate it. He told me as soon as it happened and I didn't want to fight with him because I knew he was leaving for a month soon. Instead of freaking out and making a big deal about it I simply talked to him about it and asked him why it happened and all of that. After that happened he became very distant from me and it broke my heart. I would lie awake at night while he slept away and just cried because I wanted it to go back to normal again. Things got better and when he left we were on really good terms. He told me he would miss me blah... blah... blah and everything was really good. When he left I felt like someone sucker-punched me in the gut. I didn't even want to get out of bed. While he was gone, I didn't hear from him once. After about a week of dealing with it I sort of flipped shit on him and said some really mean things through a message. I never got a response. When he got back he told me that he took that as me breaking up with him and everytime he went to respond he just didn't know how. When he got back he told me that while he was over there he was staying with a friend that was a girl and things between them got pretty steamy. I wanted him to stay with me so bad but that just wasn't what he wanted. He told me he wanted to see where things went with this girl. She lives in a different country. After that conversation I didn't sleep for days. I would just lay in bed and cry all night because he was so close, but he wasn't mine anymore. I lost my best friend and the first guy that made me truly happy in such a long time. Now, he is still with that girl, but he keeps telling me he wants to hang out. I have just begun to get a routine back of work and school and focusing on anything but him. I have my moments where I break down but I quickly push that aside and move on. I don't want to cry over him anymore. I know that it's mostly my fault that things ended the way they did and I have to deal with that. But, the fact that he wants to hang out even though he is with her is really difficult for me. I have never been one to stay friends with exes. But, I don't know how to let him go completely. Part of me wants to tell him to take a hike, but then the other part of me wants to hang on for dear life until he realizes that he has made a mistake. I guess the breaking up process for him and I has been going on now for about two months to him, and only a few weeks for me. How do you tell someone that you care for so deeply, that it hurts too much to have them in your life?
I know I'm stupid for wanting him back so badly, but I can't help it.
I've tried talking to new guys and surrounding myself with friends, but the good times cloud my memory and I feel like that girl that doesn't want to get out of bed again.
This semester has started and on top of five 3 credit classes, I work 40 hours a week. It's not even like I really have time for a boyfriend right now, I barely have time for friends.
So why can't I move on, and let the things that happened between us go, and try to salvage what's left of the friendship we have had all along?
All I know, is that I miss him more and more everyday. From the cheesy winks that made my heart melt, to the irritating way he would wrap his legs around me in his sleep. Why can't I let this one go, the same way I let all of the other ones go?