I really need help here. Controlling future in-laws enough to end it?

[LilMoonBunny]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. It's been a long distance relationship for the entire time. We have been very dedicated to eachother, and have been through a lot together. I love him very much. Recently, we got the opportunity to finally start our life together and move into an apartment. After being together for over four years, we have obviously discussed marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. This apartment seemed like the end of our painful period of separation. However, my boyfriend, who is 22 years old- an adult, went to his father about us moving in together. His father, being a conservative Catholic, flipped out on my boyfriend, telling him that moving in with me would be disrespecting God, and forgetting his family, and that they would never support our marriage if we ever move in together. He also told my boyfriend that he felt as though he failed as a father for my boyfriend to be saying such things. It was enough to make my boyfriend completely change his mind about us moving in together, along with questioning whether or not he is a good son. He tells me he doesn't agree with what his father tells him, but he can't bring himself to stand up because he is afraid to lose his father's respect. This is not the first time something like this has happened. I am starting to fear what will happen in our future. I don't think my boyfriend realizes how bad this situation is. It's not like I want him to hurt his parents' feelings... I care about them a lot too, and I want them to keep a healthy and strong relationship. However, The separation between us is killing me and there seems to be no end to it, unless he can step up to his parents. We won't be getting married for another 3-4 years because we both want to finish school and save up for the wedding. Is it time to call it quits and find someone who is more secure with himself and his adluthood? Or do I stick by my love? If I stay, how do I reach a comprimise? Should I talk to his parents? Anything you guys could tell me would be great.

[misombra]

a professor told me once..."when you marry a person, you marry their f.ucked up family too. so if you ever meet an orphan, marry that person!"

your 22 year old boyfriend is old enough to make decisions on his own. you need to ask him... are you going to do what daddy tells you the rest of your life or are you going to be a man and do what makes you happy?

if he chooses daddy then i say dump him. the only thing worse than a mama's boy is a daddy's boy.

[confusedsoul]

Just ask him WHAT DOES HE WANT???
Tell him u love him a lot, u understand his feelings and this relationship does mean a lot to you..... But having said he can't take it for granted. Because how he handles this situation might very well decide how he will handle all the future issues.

PS: Its always better to be a daddy's boy than mama's! Mama's boys are usually babies, while dad might teach u a few good things

[artyemi]

I say leave him. Harsh, harsh. I dated a guy for seven years. Seven years, and it never changed. He never stood up to his parents at ALL. And his mother goes berserk if he does, telling him what a bad son he is and reminded him that she bore him for nine months, etc., etc., etc.
And it seems everytime he stood up to his dad, the man has a heart attack.
ai yai yai
but that's just my opinion. every person is different.

[LilMoonBunny]

lol thanks for the input. I am talking to him, and I don't think he ever realized just how controlled he is. I am cautiously hanging around, but I will not marry him if he can't prove to me that he is an adult

[Illusional]

hrmm.... old fashioned parents huh? alright, they probably will never accept you two living together unless you got married. i don't see them changing anything now because their son wants to get married. they've lived by a religion for X amount of years..blah blah blah.

you have to ask yourself, are you willing to deal with the relaionship that he has with his parents. the way that i see it, everyone has their personal problems, whether they are lazy, fertile, obidient, whatevers. it's how you will deal with it that should matter here. say you break up with this boy and the next bf that comes alongs turns out to have a mother whose addicted to crack. catch my drift?? you should be asking yourself if you can be married with someone who doesn't want to conflict with his parents.

raverboy

[misombra]

Just ask him WHAT DOES HE WANT???
Tell him u love him a lot, u understand his feelings and this relationship does mean a lot to you..... But having said he can't take it for granted. Because how he handles this situation might very well decide how he will handle all the future issues.

PS: Its always better to be a daddy's boy than mama's! Mama's boys are usually babies, while dad might teach u a few good things

oh and mothers can't "teach their kids a few things?"?

[confusedsoul]

well I was talking bout BOYS.. So maybe dads would teach them few good(GUYS) things, which moms wont..
well if u still like mama's boy, what can I say

[lozzybug]

I had this exact problem. Sometimes it can be very difficult when dealing with the in-laws because even though you're angry you don't want to say anything to him about them that will offend him. But i think you need to tell him that this has absolutely nothing to do with them and they are really just trying to guilt him into not doing it. i think its really harsh what his dad said to him. Honestly, i don't know if it will ever get better but he needs to know how you feel and that by not standing up to them, he may lose your respect. Best of luck