Help! Long distance, best friend, ex, & the future...

[o6e3jbio]

Please read, thank you:

My girlfriend and I started dating the day of our high school graduation and it lasted 3 years.

We stayed together while she went to college in New York for a year only to come back and have another year together where we lived together. I made the move to Chicago and we attempted to do the long distance thing again. It worked until I got back for spring break at which point she said we should try being single to “do what’s best for our relationship”. I thought this to be rather harmless but nevertheless I learned from her after about 4 weeks she had sex with my best friend. I returned over summer to talk with her face to face and there were many days of talking, yelling, and crying. Eventually she came to the conclusion she “loved me but wasn’t in love with me”. I slithered around on my belly for her and ended up with the short end of the stick in being dumped.

She’s continuing to see my friend who is the suave, sexy “James Dean”, musician type who doesn’t bring anything other than that. He’s unemployed and does drugs all the time but he’s got a real charm. I tried to put on my best Paul Newman impression to deal with the dumping and just deal with it like so many people say you need to do but it’s hard. In our relationship we rarely fought over anything more than “Why’d you eat all the frosted flakes.” “Sorry, I’ll get more.” “Ok.” We had a great sex life, made each other happy and laughed. We took trips, learned together, and have become best friends. I've shared things with her no one else knows and vice versa. We agreed on just about everything. I’ve never had a more perfect person. But perhaps I’m putting her on a pedestal since she broke my heart.

Of course now she tells me she wants to stay friends. We went out to eat and she she started crying a little when we got back into good conversation that reminded her of old times. We went to a movie and had a good time and then a walk afterword with no talking about the situation at all. I want to be her friend but I feel like an emotional crutch or one of her “girlfriends” while my friend is sleeping with her. I drove past her place one night on my way home because it’s on the route and saw my friends car outside and her lights off. That hurts, but I didn’t make a fool of myself and do any vandalizing or call her.

I went back to school telling her I wanted no contact to get over her. She agreed to do so but said it would hurt because she swears her heart is breaking too. It's been over two weeks now of no contact and I know I just need time but the thoughts still move around in my head. Sometimes I want to be her friend because I remember we WERE the best of friends and sometimes I hate what she's become and the fact she's still seeing my friend.

I'll be going back home and most likely be seeing her, because of our close group of friends, in a month. What should I do when I get back? Should I avoid her completely? Should I jump into being my old self again? I feel cheated doing my Paul Newman impression when she's still with my friend so soon after our break up. I know she's a good person, I love her too death, and apparently the long distance was too much to ask. I've heard women often get out of relationships only if they have another person lined up? I know the chances of us getting back together are nil but I don't know if being friends with her (which I use to value higher than it's weight in gold) is going to be possible when I feel like I've been demoralized. Is it bad of me to go back and not be over it and tell her I can't be her friend while she's still seeing him?

Thanks for your help everyone.
- Paul

[Boisdevie]

1. She had sex with somebody else.
2. She dumped you.
3. She wants to be friends.

Friends don't treat people this way. I would avoid her. If you unfortunately happen to bump into her I'd not even talk to her.

[MaidenMinx]

I think your best bet when you go home is cold civility if you do happen to bump into her.

I don't know why you are still calling her or the dude she's bonking friends. Friends don't treat friends like that. I also don't understand how her heart can be breaking for you when the other guy is keeping her bed warm at night.

[confused&single]

Look it sounds to me that this is more about being in a serious relationship w hen you are so young. She probably did and maybe still does love you very much but feels like she needs to sow her oats to really "know" that what she has in the future is it. Or more about figuring herself out than you not being good enough. But I dont' know you or her or your relationship so maybe it was not very good at all. Maybe she felt stuck or not fufilled some how. Regardless of why she is doing this I absolutely think that you need to protect yourself right now. My ex wanted to be friends after we broke up and supposedly we still are, but he never calls to see how I'm doing and when I break down and call he's distant and almost cold. A real friend would have your best intesets at heart and certainly won't bonk your friend while crying about your relationship in front of you. You can be kind and yourself but don't be her friend because clearly she isn't yours right now. Give her space and if she comes to you, be kind but don't be the shoulder to lean on. If she tries that...give her a quick hug maybe and tell her you need to leave. Be YOUR best friend right now..not hers.

[o6e3jbio]

Thanks for the help confused&single. After so much kindness and truth it's hard to believe she's become vindictive and is lying. I think she just needs a guy and couldn't deal with the long distance anymore.

[deepika_16]

Hey, for sure you should not stay in touch with her as she cheated you once and you may be her victim again. Well, forget her and try to avoid her if you see her again. I know that it is a bit hard for a guy like you to forget her but you have to do it.

If you want to be her friend then it's okay but just think from you heart. Would you be able to control your feelings? You have been [URL="http://www.myboyisanidiot.com"]her boyfriend[/URL] for a long time and still love her a lot so it would not be possible for you. So I can only advise you to avoid her and try to be happy.

Good luck friend.