Have I lost him forever??

[Sammiijo]

Hi I'm sammiijo I am 36 and a single mum with a 6 year old son. Last April I became friends with my sons best friends dad. He's the same age as me. He'd been separated from his wife in the January. She'd left him for his best friend. His wife is also 36 they'd been together on and off for 10 years. She's been violent with him and is a bad mother. She let her mother in law bring the child up from the age of 3 months till he started school. She slept with her sisters husband and is an alcoholic. They started divorce proceedings. I started seeing him in August. We had a wonderful relationship. He is a good man but wants a quiet life, she was supposed to let him have his son at 10 every Sunday she wouldn't let him go till 6 at night but J never made a fuss, didnt want to cause trouble. We got on brilliantly. Both said we had never been so happy, never loved as much, the best sex ever, etc. it just felt right. People who saw us said it was real. Well she found out J was seeing me in October dumped her man(his ex best friend) and started phoning and texting him all day begging him to take her back. He said no, he'd moved on, he was happy with me. She would sit outside the house all night begging him. Well he told me no way would he get back with her. His parents told him they'd disown him if he did. So on the 19th December he sends me a text in the morning about how much he loves me like he sent everyday but at 8 he turns up crying cos he loves me but wants to be with his kids at Christmas!! So I let him go. He's taken that alcoholic violent skank back so he can be with his kids and given up me and his family!! What do you make of this situation???

[eksink]

The man is in the middle of an emotional and mental crisis. Like it or not, she is the mother of his children. No matter how horrible she may be, there will always be a bond between them because of the children. This has to be his decision. No matter what he does with his life, though, don't let it ruin yours. Don't immediately turn to the dating scene, though. Instead, find a hobby and spend more time with your son. Use this event to make your own child see how valuable he is. If this man is Mr. Right, he will soon come to his senses. If not, I would give it a few weeks and start back into the dating scene if you feel comfortable with it. Regardless, don't let him bring you down. The only man who matters in your life calls you "Mom" and there is no love on this earth that can compare to that.

[Sammiijo]

Thank you so much eksink!!

[Sammiijo]

Well it's been 3 weeks since we split up. He phoned me for 2 hours a day until December 24th. I asked him to stop phoning me. We text a few times a day mainly about the kids. Don't know if he texts me to be polite, out if guilt or if he genuinely wants to talk. But the weird thing is when he told me he wanted us to stay friends (I said no) he said he'd told her we were going to stay friends because he loves me and we had a brilliant relationship!! I don't know, if this was true wouldnt he be with me??

[eksink]

To me it sounds like he's afraid to leave his current situation. I think he wants more with you, but might feel obligated to stay in his current relationship. This doesn't mean you should get your hopes up. It means you need to have a heart-to-heart with him... a real talk. You need to hear his voice and, if possible, see his face when he speaks to you about this. Tell him you feel as though you are getting mixed signals and you need to know where you stand. He needs to know that he has you dangling by a thread and that such things will not fly with you. He needs to choose- you or his current relationship. You can't talk him into anything. You also can't talk him out of anything. If he needs time, so be it. It's a big decision and it sounds like he has quite a bit on his emotional plate. Again, don't let his own problems wear you down. You are strong, lovely, and worth chasing. There will be someone who sees that in you. Never forget that.

[Sammiijo]

Thanks Eksink!! I have given up all thought of us getting back together. I don't think it's fair on the kids to be messed about like this. Last night I went to pick my son up from school, his son came out, saw me and his mum standing there and didnt know who to go to!! He looked so sad and confused, bless him!! The mum looks as miserable as ever!! I realise now, it's not my problem anymore, J made his decision and I must respect that. As I have to believe that he meant everything he said to me whilst we were together.

[Sammiijo]

Update!! On Monday J phoned me to say he's made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted me to take him back. He was sobbing his heart out, saying he'd taken his ex back for all the wrong reasons and he couldn't face going home. I told him he had to go back for his little boy who's had so much confusion in his life. He went home and I told him that I don't think I'm the best person to talk to as I'm too involved but I would try and help. He's decided he's moving out, living alone for 6 months to decide what he truly wants. Sorting custody of his child is priority. His sons the most important part of his life. And he's going to carry on with the divorce proceedings, but I'm not really bothered about that yet or even us getting back together. This is about him being happy in himself instead of trying to please other people and his son feeling secure in his dads love. Thanks for the replies!! You really helped me through this awful time!!

[eksink]

I'm happy for you! I hope he sorts things out soon. It seems both of you are learning to move in better directions. I'm so glad you're happy!

[Sammiijo]

Thought I'd give an update now it's 6 months later. I found out I was pregnant in January but lost the baby due to stress. After 5 months of messing about J decided to stay with his family. I no longer care. I feel better now I don't have the worry and stress. He gets to see his son everyday and doesn't shame his family by getting divorced. So he's living a lie because he's scared to tell his wife he's only there for the kids and she's so grateful he took her back she'll put up with anything.