Depression, Joy, Love and Loss

[Stuckin]

Having battled with depression for as long as I can remember I had recently been making slow progress to the point where I could hold down a job, be vaguely confident in myself and have some emerging semblance of self-worth. I was keeping a diary, taking more responsibility, exercising, eating well and trying to become a better man for myself and those close to me. As I write this however it seems a million miles away from me and I feel so lost and upset.

I started a new job in October last year and within a couple of weeks was introduced to a colleague who I felt a very strong attraction for. If love at first sight exists then this was certainly proof of it to me.
She was everything I had imagined my dream girl to be. Funny, open, honest and kind, a natural warmth and simplicity to her I had never experienced before and I woke up the next day wondering where she was and longing to see her again. When I was with her it was like looking into a mirror, the way she spoke, her sense of humour, her views, the things she had overcome etc. It was uncanny and I just knew she was the girl for me. Having said that I didn’t think I had a chance with her and on top of that she had a bf!

Despite this I did my best to charm, woo and win her over, we would laugh and joke, discuss our problems and how we wished things were better. I would pine for her when not at work and long just to talk to her. I had never felt like this before and hoped against hope that one day I could just hold her in my arms.

To cut a long story short I discovered her relationship was failing and that she was unhappy but didn’t want to hurt her partner or upset the apple cart. We flirted more often and spent our lunch breaks together. It seemed she was developing a real interest in me too. She would say how strong but yet sensitive I was and that I had a presence like no other man she had met. Then at the company xmas party we exchanged beautiful kisses and phone numbers.

Over the xmas break we missed each other terribly and exchanged secret txts and phone calls on a daily basis.
I was elated, she told me she was leaving her bf after xmas and we would start dating, neither of us could wait and truly can’t think of a happier time in my life. The promise of what was to come, the closeness and intimacy was so lovely and I knew I was deeply in love.

By the end of Jan she was single and we began dating. We would just sit in each other’s arms for hours on end whether at the pub or cinema etc we could not stop holding each other, she had told me she wanted to take it slowly and not rush from one relationship to the next which I understood but my emotions got the better of me.

Around this time I was head hunted for another new job, more money and better prospects, perfect! Everything just seemed to be fitting into place. No more work gossip about us or awkwardness and I could finally start sorting my debts etc out and have some money for our romance!

However things didn’t quite go like that. I had been a big fish in a small pond and now I was a very small (if better paid) fish in a much bigger pond. This started to rock my confidence but I was determined to be the man I wanted to be for us both. I struggled not seeing her every day, would worry she was having a change of heart and began to slide into anxiety about it.

I became needy and insecure, my love for her completely overwhelmed me and I struggled to cope with the strength of it. I would wake up next to her with tears in my eyes just because she was lying there in my bed next to me. She was the most perfect thing in the universe to me and I would have died for her.

I tried to keep the worst of my emotional intenseness away from her but it was no good. She was like Kryptonite to me, melting my heart every time I saw her and sometimes I could barely speak or think when I was with her! I became a puppy dog. The strong dependable man she thought I was faded into a child, I knew the power she held over me was undermining my confidence and the cracks began to show.

To keep it brief. The more I felt her slipping away the more I struggled to hold on to her and my grip choked the life out of the budding relationship. I scared her away with my desperation and only have myself to blame. I am full of regret, self-loathing and embarrassment. She haunts me and I cannot seem to get over it. This was 3 months ago and despite my attempts to heal I am still raw.

[michelle23]

Dont give up now. You have achieved so much and should be really proud of yourself. Honestly I think this would have happened no matter what. It always does when one person leaves one relationship to be with someone else. Its a rebound. You need to learn from this experience and not make the same mistakes again.

I think you should keep working towards becoming emotionally and mentally healthy. Seek counselling and wait until you are the man you want to be before persuing another relationship. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship where you are confident and strong and believe you are good enough for her so you are not overwhelmed with anxiety and insecurity.

You deserve happiness and a good woman and you will get all of that if you focus on just being happy for now. Everyone gets hurt sometimes, relationships end but you just have to be strong. She wasn't the right one-if she was you would still be together.

[Valixy]

She probably still had unresolved feelings from her previous relationship and she couldn't respond to you with the same intensity and started to pull herself away. There is nothing wrong in spoiling a woman with love and attention when she deserves it and if the feelings are mutual there is no way that could provoke the break-up. Hopefully you'll meet someone emotionally available next time and totally receptive to you and you won't feel that you are out of balance. If you tried your best and you gave it all but it didn't work, there is nothing else you could have done. Not every love is meant to become a long term relationship and not every wonderful woman is the right one or she would still be by your side today. You gave it your best, so stop blaming yourself and focus on feeling good and maybe you'll even enjoy your new job more.

You have been able to overcome so many things in life and as soon as you detach emotionally and mentally from this relationship and let go completely, you'll overcome the break-up easier. Don't hurt yourself anymore by lingering in the past, totally accept that it's over and become your best friend again, focusing all your energy on making yourself happy.

[Stuckin]

Thank you and I know you are both right its just so hard for me to seperate my head and heart. It haunts me so much, I am looking at getting some help as I know its not right. Just so tired of being me! Everything is a struggle and I put so much of my happiness into her I forgot how far I had come on my own.
I want to focus on myself, get confident and strong again I am just so tired of feeling this way, putting the mask on every day and the tremendous self doubt.
I have learnt a lesson thats for sure but I have accepted its over but just cannot move on yet.

Thanks again for listening, much appreciated.

[michelle23]

It takes time. Immerse yourself in activities that make you feel happy. That will help over time