I just broke up with my girlfriend. Are my reasons justified?

[powers]

I am 26. She is 22. We had been dating for a year and a half. Her ex boyfriend has been texting her weekly for the past 3 months. He always texts late at night and every single text consists of him trying to get her to come over to hook up. I told her 3 months ago that i didnt want her to talk to him anymore.

Last night, he called her at 3 AM, lookin for a hook up. I had her show me her text messages and I found out that she secretely met up with him yesterday.

She asked him to hangout and smoke a blunt. She was the one who wanted to hang out. When I asked her earlier in the night what she did for the day, she didnt mention hanging out with him, ALONE at his house. She also told me that she was gonna cut a friends hair the next day, but she didnt tell me she was planning on going to HIS HOUSE to cut his hair.

She knew that I didnt like her talking to him, and she went behind my back and hung out with him ALONE at his house.

Remember, all this guy ever wants to do is hook up with her. She claims that she met up with him to tell him that she cant be with him, but they also talked on the phone at midnight for half an hour the night before. Her reason for talkin on the phone was that she was telling him to cant be with him (again). What do you girls think about this situation?

[HeartIsAching]

Good lord. I'm glad she's escaped from your controlling ass.

[Wakeup]

She also told me that she was gonna cut a friends hair the next day, but she didnt tell me she was planning on going to HIS HOUSE to cut his hair.

She knew that I didnt like her talking to him, and she went behind my back and hung out with him ALONE at his house.

So she can't give up the attentions of an ex who still wants to hook up with her and she lied to you through ommission where she was going.

I'd say You're the lucky one that you had enough sense to disengage now rather than later. Good for you. No one who truly means that "they can't be together" goes to that persons house, alone the very next day. Notice how she said "I CAN'T be with you" and not "I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU" a subtle difference but yet is still a loud and clear one as to where her head is at.

To add: If she can't respect this one relationship boundary and she went ahead and spent one-on-one time with him knowing how you feel then I think you're better off not being her rebound. How soon did you start dating her after they broke up?

[powers]

So she can't give up the attentions of an ex who still wants to hook up with her and she lied to you through ommission where she was going.

I'd say You're the lucky one that you had enough sense to disengage now rather than later. Good for you. No one who truly means that "they can't be together" goes to that persons house, alone the very next day. Notice how she said "I CAN'T be with you" and not "I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU" a subtle difference but yet is still a loud and clear one as to where her head is at.

To add: If she can't respect this one relationship boundary and she went ahead and spent one-on-one time with him knowing how you feel then I think you're better off not being her rebound. How soon did you start dating her after they broke up?

We started dating 2 months after they broke up. I will never know what happened when they were alone a couple of days ago, but I believe that the fact that she went behind my back and met up with him was inappropriate, regardless of what happened. I dont see the point of meeting up with him ALONE at his house, when her and I both know that he is just tryin to get in her pants.

[Wakeup]

We started dating 2 months after they broke up. I will never know what happened when they were alone a couple of days ago, but I believe that the fact that she went behind my back and met up with him was inappropriate, regardless of what happened. I dont see the point of meeting up with him ALONE at his house, when her and I both know that he is just tryin to get in her pants.

Well it certainly sounds like you were her rebound and now that the honeymoon period is over with you and her, she's entertained by his attention. In any event you don't trust her (i do think you have good reason not to for what my opinion is worth) but none the less, if you don't trust her then the relationship would have ended soon anyway either because of her being untrustworthy or because she caved to his attention and she hooks up. (If she didn't already).

So, In my opinion yes, your reasons for breaking up with her are justified. I don't believe this has much to do with you having a need to be in control but rather a case of her disrespecting yours and her relationship and she's crossed a very fundamental relationship boundary. (that obviously you two could not agree to or compromise on)

Is she crying for you to take her back?

[powers]

Well it certainly sounds like you were her rebound and now that the honeymoon period is over with you and her, she's entertained by his attention. In any event you don't trust her (i do think you have good reason not to for what my opinion is worth) but none the less, if you don't trust her then the relationship would have ended soon anyway either because of her being untrustworthy or because she caved to his attention and she hooks up. (If she didn't already).

So, In my opinion yes, your reasons for breaking up with her are justified. I don't believe this has much to do with you having a need to be in control but rather a case of her disrespecting yours and her relationship and she's crossed a very fundamental relationship boundary. (that obviously you two could not agree to or compromise on)

Is she crying for you to take her back?

ya, she is crying for me to take her back. I didnt want to end the relationship. But I feel like her actions speak for themselves. It is difficult because I feel like she threw it all away for no reason. It doesnt make any sense to me. I want to be with her, but I cant because she lied numerous times and now I lost my trust in her.

[Red Apollo]

I don't see how you were being controlling. You made a very reasonable request, and when she continued to talk to him you became suspicious. You had every right to ask to see those text messages in my opinion. It would have been different if she said it was harmless chatting, but she straight up told you he was trying to bang her.

You made the right call. If he texted her as much as you claim, you don't know how many times you weren't around and she actually did hook up with him. Especially since you caught her in a very revealing lie, and the fact that it has been going on for months. Most guys would have given up by then. Well, unless they were desperate.

[HeartIsAching]

I don't see how you were being controlling. You made a very reasonable request, and when she continued to talk to him you became suspicious. You had every right to ask to see those text messages in my opinion. It would have been different if she said it was harmless chatting, but she straight up told you he was trying to bang her.

You made the right call. If he texted her as much as you claim, you don't know how many times you weren't around and she actually did hook up with him. Especially since you caught her in a very revealing lie, and the fact that it has been going on for months. Most guys would have given up by then. Well, unless they were desperate.

Please tell me you're kidding.

[Wakeup]

Powers: I think that since you're asking if you did the right thing and she is crying to have you back that you will eventually cave and take her back (correct me if I'm wrong) because you obviously still have feelings for her but, you don't trust her. I think it's a good thing to let someone go if you don't trust (especially when they've proven to be untrustworthy) them but love, not logic usually prevails when push comes to shove, so: I suggest that IF you do give her a second chance that it be under the condition that she not spend any one on one time with this guy or text or have anything else to do with him. If she can't do that then you simply are not compatible in your relationship boundaries and it would be in both your best interests to let each other go to find someone for her who is more laxidasical in who their partner hangs with and you find someone that agrees with your sensibilities.

Anything less than both of you on the same page is just wasted emotion and fodder for more pain when you break up once again because you can't come to terms in a very fundamental relationship boundary that more couples than not feel comfortable being in.

Cheers.

[Incognito]

Good lord. I'm glad she's escaped from your controlling ass.

Please tell me you're kidding.

HIA, I thought you were joking when I read your first post, but your second made me think that you were serious about the OP having control issues. Please explain, because I certainly don't see how noticing a questionable situation, addressing said situation, catching your gf in two lies regarding the same situation, verifying your suspicions by her texts and then dumping her is controlling at all.

[HeartIsAching]

HIA, I thought you were joking when I read your first post, but your second made me think that you were serious about the OP having control issues. Please explain, because I certainly don't see how noticing a questionable situation, addressing said situation, catching your gf in two lies regarding the same situation, verifying your suspicions by her texts and then dumping her is controlling at all.

Alrighty.

I am 26. She is 22. We had been dating for a year and a half. Her ex boyfriend has been texting her weekly for the past 3 months. He always texts late at night and every single text consists of him trying to get her to come over to hook up. I told her 3 months ago that i didnt want her to talk to him anymore.

Last night, he called her at 3 AM, lookin for a hook up. I had her show me her text messages and I found out that she secretely met up with him yesterday.

She asked him to hangout and smoke a blunt. She was the one who wanted to hang out. When I asked her earlier in the night what she did for the day, she didnt mention hanging out with him, ALONE at his house. She also told me that she was gonna cut a friends hair the next day, but she didnt tell me she was planning on going to HIS HOUSE to cut his hair.

She knew that I didnt like her talking to him, and she went behind my back and hung out with him ALONE at his house.

Remember, all this guy ever wants to do is hook up with her. She claims that she met up with him to tell him that she cant be with him, but they also talked on the phone at midnight for half an hour the night before. Her reason for talkin on the phone was that she was telling him to cant be with him (again). What do you girls think about this situation?

Commenting on the bolded portions in order:

1. Not his call. He can tell her he doesn't like her talking to him, but he doesn't get to tell her what to do. She'll have to make her own decision about whether or not she talks to him, and he'll have to decide whether or not he can live with it. Telling her she's not to talk to him anymore is exceedingly controlling.

2. MADE her show him her text messages? That doesn't really need comment.

3. Yep, she knew he didn't like it. That's acceptable, but the expectation of obedience is not. He does not own her.

Was she wrong to do what she did? You bet. I don't know, as I don't really know detail in the situation, but I'd be willing to believe that she got tired of his (glaringly obvious) controlling ways, and was looking for a way out. She went about it wrong, but I'd bet that was her motivation.

[Wakeup]

Alrighty.



Commenting on the bolded portions in order:

1. Not his call. He can tell her he doesn't like her talking to him, but he doesn't get to tell her what to do. She'll have to make her own decision about whether or not she talks to him, and he'll have to decide whether or not he can live with it. Telling her she's not to talk to him anymore is exceedingly controlling.

2. MADE her show him her text messages? That doesn't really need comment.

3. Yep, she knew he didn't like it. That's acceptable, but the expectation of obedience is not. He does not own her.

Was she wrong to do what she did? You bet. I don't know, as I don't really know detail in the situation, but I'd be willing to believe that she got tired of his (glaringly obvious) controlling ways, and was looking for a way out. She went about it wrong, but I'd bet that was her motivation.

Okay, what you're saying is true, asking is one thing, telling is quite another but at the same time it's splitting hairs. The bottomline here is that she knew what he didn't want her to do, then she lied to him and did it anyway. There is no indication that he acts that way with any of her other friends or as a rule.

I don't think she had this motivation:

but I'd be willing to believe that she got tired of his (glaringly obvious) controlling ways, and was looking for a way out. She went about it wrong, but I'd bet that was her motivation.

because if she did, if that was her motivation then she'd not be crying for him to take her back.

His question asked if he was justified in breaking up with her... most of us think he was. I certainly do whether he told her or he asked her to respect his feelings and their relationship.. either way. Op: In future ask someone to stop doing something that bothers/disrespects/crosses a relationship boundary and if she/he/it doesn't stop then make a decision then.

[powers]

Good lord. I'm glad she's escaped from your controlling ass.

I dont believe that I was controlling. I did not want her to respond to a guy who has been trying to have sex with her the past 3 months. I believe that as her boyfriend, I had the right to express that she should not be talkin to him. That was very inappropraite. As far as having her show me the text messages, I believe that if she had nothing to hide, it wouldnt have been a problem. But I knew that something was not right when she was receiving text messages at 3 A.M.

[smackie9]

We don't know you, we can only go by what is posted and express opinions. Anyways, it was justifiable, so why are you still talking about it......you got your answer days ago.

[Incognito]

We don't know you, we can only go by what is posted and express opinions. Anyways, it was justifiable, so why are you still talking about it......you got your answer days ago.

I'm guessing he responded again because HIA was saying that he was controlling. I'd have responded too.