Picky or something else?

[exrann]

To keep the story short, it seems that I constantly find flaws in men. And not just any men, but perfectly good ones.

Story Time!

Just recently, a graduate Philosophy student (who was a Teacher's Assistant in one of my lower level Philosophy classes) who I had a class with seemed to be interested in me. I am an Art & Philosophy double degree student and I would come into the class with my huge art portfolio. We'd constantly sit next to each other, talk before class and afterwards. He'd suggest how I should teach him how to draw, how I should come to his office hours (even though I told him that I was perfectly fine with the material covered in class), etc. No, there weren't any ethical issues--he had no bearing on my grade and this was towards the end of the quarter, so nothing would have happened until after the grades would be handed in.

He's very sweet and we had a lot in common in terms of life goals and tastes. I'm interested in pursuing intellectual property rights law in the future, which is something his father practices. I felt like he complemented a side of me that I cared about but didn't see as a viable career for myself (let's be honest, art or philosophy don't pay that well nor are they practical). But, as time went on, it seemed that I just got caught up in things I didn't like about him; his hair cut, how sometimes his laugh would get very annoying (sometimes it sounded really nerdy, and that sound grates on my nerves), how he's naturally got a pink tint to his skin, etc etc etc.

This guy is a student working on his Ph.D., completed his undergrad in Physics and Philosophy, and he's absolutely wonderful and I'm rejecting him because of his laugh?! I mean, I hate myself for it. Yet, despite all my logical reasonings and attempts at rationalizing, I ended up pushing him away. All the while, I have my eye on this boy in class I hadn't said a word to all quarter, nor did I end up saying anything to after it was over.

This can't keep happening. Where is this coming from and how do I solve it?

[Gratedwasabi]

All the while, I have my eye on this boy in class I hadn't said a word to all quarter, nor did I end up saying anything to after it was over.

How do you make anything happen without saying hello? Sometimes people rub you the wrong way or just don't click, that's fine, but when you let someone that seems like they do click go without even saying a word.. kinda sad.

Grow a pair. Figuratively. Say hello. Boys are cowards, me like a little push to give us some courage.

As for the laugh/pink skin/haircut thing, well, I think it's more of just a vibe you were getting or a matter of that intangible feeling missing. That said, it's kind of unfair not to even give some 1 on 1 time, ie a date, before deciding it won't happen. When you just idly chat and sit next to someone you tend to start looking at their flaws more and more. Sometimes when you actually get 1 on 1, that annoying laugh becomes endearing in its own way (or you both make fun of it and laugh together) and haircuts can be fixed. You really need to give more of a shot then just chatting before and after class and sitting next to each other. You can ALWAYS find something wrong with a person if you look hard enough.

Also, you're in Seattle? Small world.

[exrann]

It's true, I could say hi. And there were a couple of times where I was going to with that particular boy. I'm not exactly all that shy when I want something, I go for it. But the couple of times where I wanted to strike up conversation, something about him was just so arresting all I ended up doing was staring with my mouth open, haha. It's really hard to describe, but he had a very unique feel about him that seemed to freeze me in my tracks--in the good way!

I know it's unfair, but the thing is that I'm not a type of person with a lot of time in my week. If I do decide to give someone time, it's not because I just want to hang out without some additional reason (building teamwork for a project, wanting advice, etc). I barely get to see my besties regularly. :/ I know I am partially to blame for that, but it's something I can't change. I'm not looking for a relationship per se, it's just that I've noticed that I keep picking at people constantly and I feel as though it may get in the way of genuinely connecting with someone. I liked him as a person, but then all these flaws added up so quickly that I just thought it was best I step out (especially since he didn't seem to see me in just friend context at the time).

But I did try to give him a shot, the times that we've chatted after class would go on for an hour or so before I had to get to my next class. So we had a lot to talk about, and I figured in a sense I was giving him a "shot." But I'm going to try and remember that, it's good to have some personal feedback to refer to when I do get caught up in a moment where I'm being completely ridiculous.

Haha, small world indeed!

[Gratedwasabi]

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It's true, I could say hi. And there were a couple of times where I was going to with that particular boy. I'm not exactly all that shy when I want something, I go for it. But the couple of times where I wanted to strike up conversation, something about him was just so arresting all I ended up doing was staring with my mouth open, haha. It's really hard to describe, but he had a very unique feel about him that seemed to freeze me in my tracks--in the good way!

Can you facebook him or something? Any guy I know, including myself, would be absolutely flattered if a woman sent me a message on Facebook like "hey, we were in so and so's class and I always wanted to talk to you but never got a chance. Coffee?" Worst case is a polite no (if it's not polite, well, you're obviously better off!

I know it's unfair, but the thing is that I'm not a type of person with a lot of time in my week. If I do decide to give someone time, it's not because I just want to hang out without some additional reason (building teamwork for a project, wanting advice, etc). I barely get to see my besties regularly. :/ I know I am partially to blame for that, but it's something I can't change. I'm not looking for a relationship per se, it's just that I've noticed that I keep picking at people constantly and I feel as though it may get in the way of genuinely connecting with someone. I liked him as a person, but then all these flaws added up so quickly that I just thought it was best I step out (especially since he didn't seem to see me in just friend context at the time).

But I did try to give him a shot, the times that we've chatted after class would go on for an hour or so before I had to get to my next class. So we had a lot to talk about, and I figured in a sense I was giving him a "shot." But I'm going to try and remember that, it's good to have some personal feedback to refer to when I do get caught up in a moment where I'm being completely ridiculous.

It sounds like it just didn't click with you two, then. It happens, even when it SEEMS like it should be a great fit. Logic and emotions don't walk hand-in-hand. I think you did the right thing.

However! You can find time for coffee or pho or whatever. You just need to set a time limit beforehand and stick to it, if the guy isn't a douchebag he'll respect that. Ie.. "I'd love to get coffee but I'm really busy, I'll have to leave at ___. Is that okay?"

As I mentioned above, if you just try to logically decide who is going to be the person you allow yourself to invest time in it's going to go badly. Rational decisions and romance are like oil and water (typically.) The only way you're going to find a connection is by seeing if there is one. If you don't have the time, you don't have the time, but these things don't usually slap us in the face. Lots of fish in the sea but you still have to go fishing.

[exrann]

Oh man, I feel like such a creeper right now, haha. But I actually found him. I'm kinda surprised I hadn't done that earlier, I'm starting to like him even more after flipping through his FB pictures Amazing how much insight Facebook gives you on a person's character. Thanks for the suggestion, I might just do it (apparently we've got a mutual friend, too!).

You know, you've pointed to my exact flaw and strength in many things. I was really hoping it wasn't that, but I tend to be more logical about any romantic endeavors. I suppose it's just the way that I've been raised. Ah, well. I suppose this is where the personal development comes in, haha. My only worry was that I was fishing but tossing some of the right fish back into the sea for the wrong reasons. It's kind of confusing because I actually was excited in the case of the Philosophy grad student in the beginning--looked forward to seeing him, talking, etc. But then all of a sudden things went downhill with my inner critic surfacing.

[Gratedwasabi]

Oh man, I feel like such a creeper right now, haha. But I actually found him. I'm kinda surprised I hadn't done that earlier, I'm starting to like him even more after flipping through his FB pictures Amazing how much insight Facebook gives you on a person's character. Thanks for the suggestion, I might just do it (apparently we've got a mutual friend, too!).

Attractive women can't be creepers. Psycho, sure, creepers, no. And I could be off base here, but you really should try to rely less on appearances. We all do it, obviously, and attraction is crucial but from that sentence and your silly problems with the other guy's appearance, I think it's something you need to work on. I used to be really bad about this. If a girl didn't instantly hit my "I'd-love-to-sleep-with-her" mark I wouldn't give her a shot. But I met some nice people when I moved on from that (although it's worth mentioning none of those worked out and the woman I'm dating right now is insanely gorgeous. But she also has an amazing personality, which is far more rewarding for me.)

You know, you've pointed to my exact flaw and strength in many things. I was really hoping it wasn't that, but I tend to be more logical about any romantic endeavors. I suppose it's just the way that I've been raised. Ah, well. I suppose this is where the personal development comes in, haha. My only worry was that I was fishing but tossing some of the right fish back into the sea for the wrong reasons. It's kind of confusing because I actually was excited in the case of the Philosophy grad student in the beginning--looked forward to seeing him, talking, etc. But then all of a sudden things went downhill with my inner critic surfacing.
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Look, you have to go with your gut. All those long-term relationships and marriages that fall apart (well, not all) stem from people having a gut feeling but logically or emotionally overruling it and eventually it catches up. No one wants to live their life with someone that isn't, in their mind, "perfect." Flaws included. So when people push on despite something not feeling right, it might work for a while but at some point they go "hey, am I just going to live with this not-quite-right feeling for the rest of my life?"

Part of it with the grad student might have been the monotony of it. You ALWAYS did the same thing in the same surrounding and not a romantic one at all at that. You might have unintentionally shifted him to the friend zone because the only thing you were doing was being casually friends. It'd be like if this cute guy took you on three straight dates to the same coffee shop. Is it possible you'd still hit it off? Sure. But more likely it'd become kind of boring. There's plenty of time for boring later, the beginning/wooing stage of a relationship is about excitement and showing off your good side.

As an example, within 3 dates I ALWAYS cook for a woman. Period. I feel most confident and like I'm at my best when I'm cooking, so it's something I want to show very quickly. I always recommend people figure out what does that to them, maybe it's dancing, maybe it's books, maybe it's tv or video games, whatever, and put yourself in that situation early on to calm down and show off a bit.

But I've kind of diverged from the topic. Just from your three posts, here's what I think you should work on.

Less excuses. Make time for people. If it's someone in your class, offer to study together. It might be a bit distracting but you won't lose too much time.
Less visual scrutiny. If your initial reaction is that they're at least fairly attractive, you should check the physical aspect as a go. Fairly attractive should be sufficient if the personality is there.
Less logic. Go with your gut. If it seems like something might be there, check it out. A 20 minute cup of coffee has only killed a few people.

And if it's hard for you to not be logical, do this. Get a pen and paper and write a checklist of MUST HAVE qualities. Then, as silly as it may seem, when you run into one of those situations go down the list and if they get every check, you HAVE to at least try and get a date. It's like a game. For example, mine would be (in no order.)

Fairly attractive
Smart
Sense of Humor
Nice
Smiles often

P.S. - I'm betting you chicken out on contacting him. Bawk bawk!

[exrann]

Oh, don't misunderstand me, please. I'm not oriented by appearances--my past boyfriends are enough to prove that. They're not what I'd ever consider attractive, and some of them I would even consider below average. But I found something I liked about them, and often times those things that I would consider ugly grew on me. In the case of the new boy, I was referring to his pictures because I like reading people's Facebook pictures. I think it says a lot about who they are. The reason why I looked through them was that if I found a guy that was taking pictures of himself half naked and with tons of girls, I wouldn't even bother to talk to him. Turned out he's very goofy, gentle, and he had a funny haircut back in high school Overall, very cute personality. I wouldn't even consider him to be ultra attractive either, there was just something about his presence that I liked. So when I was picking on grad student guy, the haircut was just part of the critique but the main things that bothered me were his intrinsic qualities. Hair can always be changed anyway.

I do think that the monotony had something to do with it, so I'll work on that. I don't think looks are as much of a problem with me; I've got plenty to share between the two of us ;D Hahaha, just kidding. Personality and presence are the biggest factors for me, because I tend to go for my gut. I feel like there is a gut feelings, a feeling from your heart and your rational self that get involved with relationships, haha. Sometimes you love someone and there's no logic involved in it, but your gut tells you otherwise. I'll keep in mind less excuses and less logic though

P.S. You're right, I did. I'm still thinking about it :x I just really don't want to come off as desperate/creepy, and he seems like more of the thoughtful type that I don't think he'd take the message and respond, he'd probably think about it and question my actions. I think I might be better suited catching him on campus sometime.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) I constantly find flaws in men. And not just any men, but perfectly good ones.
He'd suggest how I should teach him how to draw, how I should come to his office hours (even though I told him that I was perfectly fine with the material covered in class), etc. No, there weren't any ethical issues--he had no bearing on my grade and this was towards the end of the quarter, so nothing would have happened until after the grades would be handed in.

I omitted the phrase "it seems" because it seems to me it isn't relevant.
You do find flaws in men, however you need to consider what you just said because it is a contraction
as it is revealing about you...First, you find flaws in perfect men. What is a perfectly good man to you? (Educated?)

2nd, He is interested in you -has made it clear to me by suggesting him teach you how to draw.
Did you compliment him on his work? When you told him you were perfectly find with the material covered in class...
Was this a rhetorical statement OR did you say it to elicit a flirtatious retort?

Last, Men are human> humans have flaws.
Men are like your Gucci handbag or Vera Wang dress.
In some respects they are seemingly perfect but they too have flaws and imperfections.
Men or women who may seem nice to look at conversely have glaring flaws however
these are not readily (many times) unseen until the wooing period is over and they have you in their grasp.

Polar opposites, right? Yet they both serve the purpose: possessing flaws visible on one end of the spectrum
while seemingly invisible on the other.

(2) He's very sweet and we had a lot in common in terms of life goals and tastes.
I felt like he complemented a side of me that I cared about
But, as time went on, it seemed that I just got caught up in things I didn't like about him; his hair cut, how sometimes his laugh would get very annoying (sometimes it sounded really nerdy, and that sound grates on my nerves), how he's naturally got a pink tint to his skin, etc etc etc.

Busted! When a man is said to be "sweet," having a lot in common (life goals and tastes) it doesn't tell me
that you are physically attracted to him. It sounds as though you just tolerated him and found out (while sitting
next to each other) your interests were on common ground. As time went on you got began to focus
on trivial and insignificant traits/quirks YET they are very revealing about you. People aren't lumped into stereotypical
generalizations in my world, no. Each individual is just that, although the masses usually go with the grain instead of against it.

However without knowing more about your relationship history (how they start, how they were and how they ended)
it is difficult to establish a baseline to address the "Why's" and "How Come" sort of questions you have posed...

(3) This guy is a student working on his Ph.D., completed his undergrad in Physics and Philosophy, and he's absolutely wonderful and I'm rejecting him because of his laugh?! I mean, I hate myself for it. Yet, despite all my logical reasonings and attempts at rationalizing, I ended up pushing him away. All the while, I have my eye on this boy in class I hadn't said a word to all quarter, nor did I end up saying anything to after it was over.

His education seems attractive, but is this the pinnacle of your wants in a man?
No, it isn't based on your responses. You wrote about his education first, then he's wonderful 2nd.
All this means is that you did the right thing, although I'd have just told him straight up how I felt to avoid confusion/
jealousy/creating a stalker due to this pushing him away...See you need a connection, not an interest sparked by
education/background in his father becoming what you aspire to be yourself. If you have your eye on this boy
and you did while you were talking to this other guy: Stop right there and keep your emotions in check...

Meaning: If you are just friends with the wonderful guy with a funny laugh: treat him as a friend.
Don't flirt, don't make the eye contact a person who shows interest does...Be a friend, and tell him
how you feel (since he is a friend) about this other guy. It tells him you aren't interested and well, if he did/does like
you he may push himself away. However IF you "knew" he liked you while you have feelings for another guy
it is indicative of a person with good character with an ethical and moral compass to tell him straight up the truth.

You don't have any obligation to this guy no matter what had happened previously because there isn't a commitment.

(4) This can't keep happening. Where is this coming from and how do I solve it?
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What is your exact experience relationships in general?

You need to understand that IF you view yourself as "flawless" then no one
will ever compare to this disproportionate exterior based view you may have with yourself.

If you're perfect on the outside and feel this way then humility should be your goal.