He says he loves me and wants to support me-but doesn't want to be with me. Help!!

[anon9086]

I am a 27 year old student whose 36 year old boyfriend of 5.5 years just broke up with me. We have been best friends and companions and he has gushed numerous times to myself and friends that we would be together forever. About 2 years ago, he stopped sleeping with me, around the time he started a new job and took an important position. I, naturally, suspected that he was seeing someone else but he never left the house except to go to work and didn't treat me any differently, except when it came to intimacy. Then several months ago he started noticeably pulling away, I tried to talk to him and figure it out, he would reassure me that everything was fine. Then, about a month ago, he told me were were no longer together, I made him unhappy, he no longer found me attractive. He called it a break and said that he hoped we could be together again one day, when I am more mature and have a life worth sharing (I contribute, not always doing homework, etc.). Over the last few weeks he has become a verbal loose canon and has expressed how he wants me to move out, my sadness over losing him only makes him angrier. He says he loves me more than I can possibly imagine but now does not see a future for us and does not want to get back together.
He does, however, want to pay for my new car, pay my rent when I get a new apartment, and pay for my cell phone, buy me furniture, etc. But he doesn't want a physical or emotional relationship. What-the-f*ck-is-this? Can someone please decipher what is going on here? He went from singing me goofy songs about being in love with me to make me laugh and talking about how we were family to wanting me out and away from him, but not without financial support from him. Last week he said he would abstain from sex with other women since he knows it would hurt my feelings and distract me from college, this week he took it back. I am going absolutely nuts.

Guys--what's the deal here?

**EDIT--I should also add, because I'm sure someone would say it--I have not put on any weight since we've met I'm 5' 9" and 118 lbs and according to him the best looking girl he's ever gone out with. So, before someone asks "Did you get fat?"....

[blent]

You guys have been together for a while, maybe the spark is gone for him. He still cares about you and that is why he's willing to support you financially, but it seems like he just isn't attracted to you anymore. It's nothing to do with the way you look, he probably just wants to move on and meet other women. Many men and women are like this, once the hormones tend to slow down the relationship becomes harder to manage.

[Boisdevie]

Talk to him - without communication you have NOTHING. But to be honest he sounds a bit wierd.

[sweetkissesforu]

It sounds lkie the spark is gone but he still loves you remove yourself from this and become more independant then maybe he will see you possibly in a new light

[quart]

The only time my ex ever raised his voice to me was when he hurt my feelings and i started crying. My dad also does/did that. Some guys are emotionally challenged and cant deal with hurting someone they care about, so they react with anger. I also at times will yell to prevent myself from crying. So that may explain why he gets angrier when you express being upset. But as for the rest... I have no clue. Hopefully some guys can help you unravel that one.

[Incognito]

My first guess would be that he is cheating. Remember there is such thing as an emotional affair.... I know all too well. Anyway he wouldn't need to leave the house to carry on such an affair, and I can personally attest to the fact that such an affair can lessen sexual feelings for one's partner. Now, this is all conjecture, but I would think that his willingness to buy all of that stuff to help you out is simply guilt. Without details it looks like he's having an affair, that he wants you gone so that he can pursue it further, is trying to push you away with anger, but is feeling guilty about the position he will put you in and therefore wants to "help you" (which is just a move to make himself feel better).

[Incognito]

Also there is rarely one party that is to blame for a breakup, so what have you been doing that contributed to this? What have you not been doing that possibly contributed?

[Gratedwasabi]

Is he gay? Just from the context of that post, that's the first thing that popped into mind "maybe he came out of the closet in his mind but not in reality."

Could be completely off, just my first reaction from what you wrote.

[Charisma]

erm, I'd be more concerned that you've gone for 2 years with him without having sex!!! What the hell made him decide to do that, huh?!?!?

I think I'd agree with others that he's possibly cheating. A lot of the time your instincts are right. What you should be thinking is how to move out and find a decent bloke who won't mess you over like he did. Normal honest people don't one day tell someone that the relationship is over without working at it, so something on his side happened and he's managed to hide it.

Look ahead at what you'll do with your life, don't look back and think of how to get him back. He's a plonker.

[Ryan Heitzman]

The title itself doesn't make any since to me. No Offence.

[anon9086]

Thanks for the advice. I have confronted him about cheating, he has been VERY vocal about that not being the case, but my instincts tell me otherwise. I've never met a man who can go that long living with a girl and not have sex, or something, anything, with another person. Because he won't admit to it, I, admittedly, have become a bit hypervigilant in looking for 'signs' and they are there. His phone and computer are password protected, he does not answer the phone when he is out with friends (which is happening alot nowadays), and when I offer to tag along he won't allow it. His reasoning for not answering are the following:
-I didn't feel the phone ring, I was talking to someone, I don't want an awkward conversation in a bar full of people.

But even direct confrontation about this and all other signs have brought me no admissions from him.
I, also, suspect cheating. But, I feel like if it were happening he might not come home at night or something... I dunno, this seems pointless as I write this. If a man doesn't have enough backbone to say he's moved on, then it's not really worth pursuing.

[Incognito]

Well you said that he doesn't leave the house except for work, now you say that he goes out with friends and hangs at bars and such. ??? Which is it? What else are you not telling us? I'm not taking up for him because all of those things put together point to cheating, but as you said there is a reason behind it. People don't just open their eyes one day and say "Alright, time to get up, go to work, have lunch and cheat on my significant other.". It just doesn't happen that way. You conveniently didn't respond to post #7, so I'll ask AGAIN: What have you done (or not done) that contributed to this current situation? There is rarely a totally innocent party in circumstances like this, and it is easy to paint the picture in your favor since we are only getting one side of the story. We can't give you any good, usable advice unless you are more honest and detailed.

[RdHrshyKss]

^^oh snap

[anon9086]

Easy, tiger.

He's been going out much more frequently over the last two weeks. Before that time and over the years we have been together he, typically stays at home (and plays warcraft ) . But, yes, right now, during these last couple of weeks, he's out and about more than ever.

In response to #7-I've always been a doting girlfriend without trying to be too smothering, but I think alot of it has to do with me going back to college. Once I started (heeeey, 2 years ago) I became fully engrossed in working, studying, and homework and stayed up late doing my stuff in my room (we have a bedroom, and my office-which has now become a second bedroom while we continue to live together). Looking back, I feel I could have made an effort to hangout with him in a social setting perhaps like we did when we first met, maybe. But it takes two, he could've done the same as well.

Yesterday, I offered to hang out. I said 'hey let's go out with your friends this weekend', but he has plans all this weekend, none of which I am invited to, so that plan is out the door.

[Incognito]

Well that was a very brief synopsis, but at least its something. Are you telling me that for two years you have done nothing but bury yourself in your schoolwork? Passing is important obviously, but when you're in a relationship you have to strike a balance. If he is a big WoW person what did you two used to do together? Did he make time for you out of his WoW schedule, or is this a recent obsession? I wouldn't doubt if he met and/or keeps in contact with this other woman through WoW since he spends so much time on it (assuming there is another woman). At this point I doubt you'll be able to get him back. If he's already going out to presumably meet her then you two are done. If he isn't going out to meet another woman he is, at the very least, putting significant emotional and physical distance between you two. Yet another sign that you two are finished. Also, since most men's emotional attachment is strongly linked to sexual intimacy it is a very very bad sign that you haven't had sex in so long. I'll go out on a limb and say that you are merely taking up space in his life (from his perspective).

The question then becomes "well why doesn't he end it?". Well men are creatures of habit, and he is used to having you around. Yes, it is wrong, but that's how it is. Some men will go as far as to become very hostile in an attempt to make women want to leave on their own instead of just breaking things off in an up front way (actually many men do this, not that it is right). Have you simply asked him if you two should move on, or are you afraid of the answer?