my VERY complicated situation

[ilubladybird]

Where do I start this from? Alright. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have been together for a very very long time. She is older than me. She's 24 and I am 23. My family and her family are really close together. I mean they hang out together and it is gonna be awkward if we broke up.

There's this major problem that bugs us. Marriage. She wants to get marry at 25 while my ideal age for marriage is 27 or 28. She does not want to wait until so long but at the same time, she does not want to break up with me. I have my reasons for not marrying her so early. First, I just enter workforce this year and I cannot afford to marry her. I need more financial stability before marriage. Second, I don't want to be committed to be a responsible of a husband and father. I mean I'm still so young and I am not prepared for it.

Because of this issue, we broke up in the beginning of 2010 for 4 months. But ironically, I was the one who find her back as I realise I missed her badly in that period. However, after patching up, I realise something about her has changed and I do not feel the passion, the love for her as before. I feel that the feeling for her is gradually fading.

I really do not want to hurt her as she is really good to me. But because the pressure from this issue, we have been quarreling recently and currently not talking to each other. I tried to love her but it is really pointless.

To make things further complicated, I think I'm falling in love with another girl. A girl that I have not even seen in real life. Only in Facebook. She's the type of girl that I could only dream of. Studious, friendly, pretty, sporting, outgoing. I know it's ****ing pathetic to ditch your 6-years old girlfriend for a girl who doesnt even know if you exist. But I'm struggling each there thinking of this and how sad my current girlfriend would be if she knows about this.

I know I am a selfish bastard but love is a very weird thing. Within the 6 years relationship, I never fall for any girl besides my girlfriend. And now I am getting all the vibes of falling in love again. Only problem is she's a girl in the facebook. OMG pathetic.

I could force myself to continue this relationship but what's the point if I am not happy? Please advise.

[pisces25]

I could force myself to continue this relationship but what's the point if I am not happy?

You answered it yourself.

Your GF and you are at different stages. She is ready to marry, you are not. As for your feelings for this other girl I would hazard a guess and say she is very attractive to you right now coz of the trouble your relationship is in. Not saying you aren't attracted to her but she is more attractive to you at the moment coz she is an escape from your GF and r/ship.

Deal with your current r/ship whether that be deciding to continue or break it off and then concentrate on what comes after. Getting involved with someone else at this point would be foolish and only hurt people.

[MynameisJesus]

My sister broke up with her only boyfriend for the same reason. After all those years it was strange for her too. The families had gotten close as well.
She has regretted it several times but now we're 2 years further, she is happy with her decision and I bet you'll end up feeling the same way.

He wanted her to get married while she was still in college. He wanted her to move to the other side of the country with him.
He wanted her to stop seeing her friends so often etc etc.
He wanted a whole lot. The more time passed by, the more it became obvious that they wanted different things in life.
You can get away with those things in the beginning of a relationship but as years go by, it all comes to the surface and if you aren't meant to be together it won't work out anyway.

When it got to the extent that she was crying over it and said she'd break up, he'd give up on all of his demands. But it just doesn't work out.
If it doesn't come naturally, it doesn't come anyway

Love is freedom and accepting each others differences and preferences. Marriage is the end of freedom and the start of a lifetime contract.
I will never ever get married and I don't want kids either.

It sounds like your relationship has become a boring habit and now it has been going on for so many years, you are facing a decision that has already been made.
You do not want to marry her, it's clear.

However, after patching up, I realise something about her has changed and I do not feel the passion, the love for her as before. I feel that the feeling for her is gradually fading.

I really do not want to hurt her as she is really good to me. But because the pressure from this issue, we have been quarreling recently and currently not talking to each other. I tried to love her but it is really pointless

Sounds like you've become friends.
How is your sex life with her? A boring routine?

You said you missed her. What exactly did you miss? It has become a routine so it makes sense that it feels awkward to not be with her.
Doesn't mean that you are still attracted to her

[ilubladybird]

@pisces25 & mynameisjesus

At this moment, yeah I am not ready to marry her. But if I were 28 today, things might be different.

When we broke up last year, I really missed her badly. Can be due to the fact that I am lonely and I was really free that period ( i was a student that time) and not occupied with her. So as loneliness set in, I realise I need her to accompany me. And I have to say I still love her in that period.

But after we patch up, I realise the marriage issue is still there. We talk about it but it ended up both of us being moody. This has taken its toll on me and I feel that the love is slowly fading away.

[bulrush]

My opinion: it appears you have not dated enough girls to decide who is the right one to marry, therefore you should not get married until you date at least 15 girls. Then I think you will have a better idea who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Without this experience you will not have the wisdom to choose the right girl.

Also keep in mind that women get married only to have the man pay for their children. Once you have kids, you are no longer #1, and you will never get the attention you once did. Once you have kids, sex stops with most women. You need to accept that, or not get married. Marriage can be nice with the right person, but I don't want you to be surprised by certain things I mentioned above.

(I've been married, had kids, and divorced. So I know how this works.)

[MynameisJesus]

@pisces25 & mynameisjesus

At this moment, yeah I am not ready to marry her. But if I were 28 today, things might be different.

When we broke up last year, I really missed her badly. Can be due to the fact that I am lonely and I was really free that period ( i was a student that time) and not occupied with her. So as loneliness set in, I realise I need her to accompany me. And I have to say I still love her in that period.

But after we patch up, I realise the marriage issue is still there. We talk about it but it ended up both of us being moody. This has taken its toll on me and I feel that the love is slowly fading away.

Have you asked her why marriage is so important?

Is she one of those women that don't believe you when you say " I love you" unless you back it up with an expensive ring and a big wedding?

I am against marriage and against kids and no woman on this planet will ever change that. I've seen enough people getting depressed because they have kids with someone they're not supposed to be with.
My dad, my 2 uncles. 50% of the married couples I know tbh. I won't go down that road and I hope you won't do this either.
It's very obvious that you are not ready for this

[ilubladybird]

@bulrush & mynameisjesus

Her reason to get married is that girls should get marry early. Once a woman is old, she might not find the ideal partner she wants. Unlike guys, we can get young girls even we are old. Like I said, I am an Asian and our cultures work this way. And also, she wants smaller gap with her children.

Anyway, I cant have 15 girlfriends. That's too many for me.

Yeah, I know I am still not ready for marriage and that is why I am so frustrated about this. I dont wanna marry her and in the end divorce.

[pisces25]

Does she realise that at 24 if you guys broke up then she would have a very, very slim chance of meeting another guy, dating him, starting a relationship and marrying him by her goal of 25? It isn't impossible, but highly improbable. However, if she was to wait another 3-4 years when you are ready she will get married to you and most likely be able to have a child by the time she is 30. If you break up, that will be the most likely scenario for her anyway as she has to find another guy she connects with, loves, he wants marriage/children, etc. That all takes time.

So don't be pushed into marriage by her. If she is so desperate to have children and be married at 25 then she has one year to find that. Otherwise she can do the right thing and wait til you're ready.

[MynameisJesus]

@bulrush & mynameisjesus

Her reason to get married is that girls should get marry early. Once a woman is old, she might not find the ideal partner she wants. Unlike guys, we can get young girls even we are old. Like I said, I am an Asian and our cultures work this way. And also, she wants smaller gap with her children.

Doesn't matter if you are yellow, green blue or purple. Many women have that desire and society almost forces you to get married.
It's hard to live on your own in Europe too. People have partners because the social ladder forces you to and it's the same with marriage

Getting married to have the social status that women want is a terrible idea. A recipe for failure, a divorce or a bad marriage.
Yet it is the reason why 90% of couples get married anyway. She'll put emotional pressure on you and try all it takes to get you so far.
Women will never tell you why they want to get married.

" Her reason is that young girls should get married "

is not a reason. It is a bad excuse for saying " I'm not sure if I can trust you and I want my security "

If you marry her, the next step is that she wants kids and then you are really cornered.
Then she has the security that she wanted. She'll start eating ice creams, let you do the chores and reading the newspaper will be more exciting than your sex life

[ilubladybird]

@pisces25

She's afraid that if I do not marry her now, chances are I will not marry her in the future either. I am not sure I will marry her in the future or not. No one knows right?

I am not gonna be that selfish anymore to ask her to wait for me till I am ready. Who knows there might be a better guy for her out there? I do not want her to miss him because of my selfishness.

[ilubladybird]

@mynameisjesus

I am not afraid of life after marriage where she'll make me do all the chores. But instead, I am afraid that even after marriage, I cant play my role as a husband and we ended up divorcing. And of course, I dont have the financial ability to get married and get children.

[MynameisJesus]

@pisces25
Who knows there might be a better guy for her out there? I do not want her to miss him because of my selfishness.

That's a nice way to avoid telling her that you're not in love with her anymore.
What are you going to do if she will cause drama and say " No! You are the only man I love and there is nobody better for me! "

Telling her that you are not ready (YET) implies that there will come a time when you are ready.
But since you don't feel a spark, do you think you will ever be ready? I think not
Therefore I believe it's best to go for the short pain and end the relationship

[devonbrown]

After reading the OP and through your responses, ilubladybird, I have to conclude that you are just not mature enough for marriage, or even a serious relationship right now. That is not meant negatively, it is just where you are in your life. You don't want to get married yet. Fair enough. But your second reason was because you don't want the responsibility of being a husband and father. That tells me that you haven't reached a place in your personal development to put yourself in that position.
You broke up with her once but got back together with her. That is just because you missed her and the place she had in your life. Not necessarily because you couldn't live without her. Because if that were the case, you would probably think differently about spending your life with her.
As for the Facebook girl, forget about that. This situation has nothing to do with her or anyone else. It has everything to do with you and your girlfriend.
It might be hard, all breakups are hard, but it sounds like you know that is what you want to do.

In the future though, don't get so caught up in numbers like age. Trust your gut, emotions and thoughts. In this case, it sounds like your gut is telling you to break it off with her. I think it just has to be done for both of your sakes.

Good luck.