Help from the big girls..

[artyemi]

You know, when I'm not dating anyone, I can always think of something to do or stuff to keep me busy. Never short of anything.. I call all of my friends up, and get together and have a great time. Then, when I date, I turn into this obsessive, clingy person that is completely opposite of what I am. Just really clingy and so not the independent happy person. Why does that happen?

And I'll do stupid things like analyze everything that other person does. And i analzye everything the I do. I just become so insecure, which is so bad.

How do you lovely women develop this security when you are with someone else?

For example, if I'm by myself, I think of eating out at a Japanese restaurant, I'll call my friends up and go eat at the Japanese restaurant.

But, if I'm with a guy, I want to go eat at a Japanese restaurant and he doesn't want to go eat a Japanese restaurant, then, I don't want to either. Is that a good compromise, or is it giving up your ground?

so, how do you determine if it's a good compromise, or just compromising, or whether it's always giving in to what the other person wants?

[shh!]

A good compromise shouldn't make you feel like you've been had. I always give in if I see that something is really important to my husband, but I hold my ground if it is really important to me. You'd be surprised at how seldom there is real conflict, but we negotiate the few things that are equally important to us both.

[artyemi]

Sometimes, I feel like a good compromise one too many. Like if it's a Japanese restaurant, then the type of beer, then what activity to do for the whole night, then the activity to do for the next day, then the breakfast food to cook..

[Chlorine]

Artyemi----Hello waving penguin. Don't think so much. Just do what you feel like doing.

[artyemi]

i know, i know.. see, that would solve so much of the problem..

[HalfwayIIHeaven]

I'm like that too unfortunately. Or used to be. I like to think that I'm doing better now. lol I think it's just that we become a little *obsessed* with our significant other, especially in the beginning of a relationship and we wish we could be with them all the time because we are SO into them and we feel like we cant do things on our own anymore..
Other than that, it's just a matter of trust and of maturity. We need to learn to keep our spaces and live our own lives. It's ok to be alone, and it's ok to do things for ourselves..

[artyemi]

I'm okay with doing things alone, when I'm single.

I don't know. Maybe, lately, I feel emotionally stripped, and I keep thinking that somehow, physical closeness will satisfied the emotional void, and it doesn't. It just doesn't.

Oh well. I hang out with my friends more now, but I don't seek out hanging out with them. If they call me out, cool, I'll go hang out. But I don't call them to hang out because I just don't feel like it.

Hopefully, that will pass.

[HalfwayIIHeaven]

I'm sure it will. I think you just need some emotional confort from this relationship. You need to FEEL it's good, and that you're loved. Talk to him, see what you can do to fill that void..

[artyemi]

wait.. haha.. i don't have a relationship. i'm not in one. i'm just reflecting on having been in them..

i enjoy the independent me that i am when i'm not in a relationship..

i think i'm more outgoing when i don't have a boyfriend. when i do, i get too clingy..

see, if i had a boyfriend, i wouldn't have gone to visit misombra..

you need to be an independent spirit to do that.. cause misombra is a wicked cool person.

and if i had a boyfriend, i would not have gone to parties and meet strange men who are now my dear, dear friends.

but that's what i mean.. how come i get so insecure when i'm in a relationship?

[HalfwayIIHeaven]

oops. sorry, i misunderstood. thought it was a specific case, while it was a generic question. lol
I guess you get insecure because you make yourself emotionally vulnerable. You share your life with someone else and find that so much depends on them.

[Rosebud]

I think it is a matter of insecurity but your not the only one. I do the same thing. But I think you do have to stand your ground on some things and make time for yourself. It's important to keep your independence when your in a relationship and not do everything the other person wants just to make them happy.

I'm a very independent person but at the same time I find a compromise to make us both happy. If he wants italian and I want a cheesburger we'll go to a restaraunt that has everything, or we'll do one on one night and the other the next night. Which I know that's trivial but I think doing those things helps to be able to still maintain who you are.

[Tone]

Everyone should just go single RIGHT NOW and start over and let's see what happens.

[TAVS]

Everyone meaning everyone on here or everyone in the world?

[Junsui]

Right.....

[Tone]

Huh? You lost me.