Thoroughly confused and hurt

[Toddstar]

My ex and I had a good relationship but things went wrong somewhere. And along the 4 years together she started to distrust me. I never cheated but I did lie about a few things; drinking, etc. Nothing too major I though. I was wrong.

On my birthday, three weeks ago, as I went to her home to visit our son, she told me point blank that she: A doesnt trust me and doesnt think she ever can again, B she doesnt think she can even trust me as a friend and C we will never get back together. Ever. I get home that day, my birthday, and there is an email from her saying: "I cant believe you made me break your heart on your birthday. i am so mad at you." Ok, i think, whatever.

So the weeks have gone by, she emails me here and there, but never to ask how I am, always to ask if she can have or use something, like is her cell phone I'm paying for working, her van needs an oil change, etc. Her daughters birthday was last week and, as I was her kids stepdad, I sent a gift in the mail. I wasnt invited to the party though. A day after the party I get a nice email saying her daughter loved the gift. I dont respond. I dont think I need to.

A day later, just last Monday, I get another email regarding 2 of her cats that need to go to a shelter. I dont want to get involved so I dont respond. She emails me back TWO more times until respond. Yes, i will take them to the shelter for you. So I do, drive an hour to her place, and she doesnt even say thank you, just a "you smell nice" when I pick the cats up.

Then I get my Visa bil in. She has a card of mine with a very low limit for emergencies for our son only who has some special needs. The bill has Walmart on it. I email her and ask if she used it for our son. Nope, she used it to buy her daughter a present, the same daughter who I bought a present for and whos party I was excluded from. She says she was sorry but embarrassed to tell me. yet when I picked the cats up there was new drapes on the windows. Hmmmm.

Whenever I sign off an email with her I say "have a great day!" or "hope things are doing well for you!". With hers, I dont even get a bye.

I cant stand this. I cant be trusted to be a friend or in a relationship with her and, aside from our agreed upon support for our son, she has no issues trusting my money enough!

I am not sure what to do. I am trying to let go of her, a litle bit day by day, even though it's only been 3 weeks, but she keeps pulling me back in. I know we share a son and have to communicate that way, but why wont she just let me go??

Thanks for reading, I know it's a little long.

TS

[girlanachronism]

It looks like she is really taking advantage of you. I know that you have a child together, and that you feel like you need to help support her, but I really think it might be time to just cut your ex off monetarily. Continue paying child support, but there is no reason that you should be paying her phone bill, her car expenses, or a credit card for her. If she isn't working, and you really feel like you have to continue supporting her for the time being, make a contract with a stated end date that you will stop paying her personal expenses. It sounds cold and heartless, but I don't see any reason why she would stop taking advantage of you unless you make her. This is such an awful situation, but really, she needs to stop.

[Toddstar]

I think I am doing these things because one fine day she'll see me in a better light and want me back so we can be a family again. I guess until I realize this WONT ever happen, I cant bring myself to cut her off because I dont want to upset her.

Crazy, I know.

[girlanachronism]

No, not crazy, it's human. I'm just worried that she will bleed you dry and never come back to you. I worry that even if she did want to start a relationship with you again, it would only be because of what you give her, not necessarily what you feel for her or she feels for you. At least that is how it appears on the surface to me.

I don't know you, and I don't know her. However, from appearances, she is only interested in what you can do for her. There may be more to the story than you have presented so far, and if so, then you need to think long and hard about what you want. But, if there isn't really more to it, then you need to let her go. If she really loved you, it would not be dependent on what you give her. I know this is a very hard decision. I hope that it all works out for you. *hugs*

[Agape]

"but why wont she just let me go??"

She doesn't let you go because she 'needs'/'uses' you. . . pretty much, you two are ex's - treat it like that. . . only do child support, that's all.