Bad feeling about relationship

[DoubleTaper]

Sorry for the length of the read...

So I'm going into my second year of college. At school, I started dating this girl near the end of last semester and things were great. However, we live on opposite sides of the state, so we knew summer was going to be difficult. So a few weeks into the summer, she came out to visit me at my home, meet the family and all that good stuff. My parents liked her and again, we had a good time. She stayed a week, then went home. About three weeks later, I went to visit her, she's in an apartment with no one else around, so we were pretty much seeing each other the entire time. About the 3rd day, I started getting this feeling, not sure how to describe it really, kind of anxious, worried about the future, even feeling a bit smothered. I figured it would go away, and tried to forget about it. Well, it stayed and the more we hung out, the stronger it got.

This is the first real relationship she has been in, so I was a bit hesitant to talk to her about it, so I called another female friend to talk about it. Even though I've never had this feeling before, she said it's something normal. As I continued trying to explain it to her, she started asking other questions, like if I wanted to break up with her...and it surprised me that I didn't say no, and said "I don't know" instead. After I got off the phone with her, I decided to go talk about it with my gf. I was still worried about how she'd take it, so I worded it a little different. As I was talking to her, I started realizing things and saying them. I told her I'm worried about how the next semester will go and that I want time to hang out with friends and stuff still. She said she understands and is fine with me having "me time." I felt a little better after this short talk, but the feeling quickly returned and only started to get worse and worse.

After a few more days, I drove home. I had a long time to think on the drive and realized some things. I like spending time with her, but I've been feeling more and more smothered by her. I know it was just us at the apartment for the week, but we had to constantly be together and she had to be holding my hand or holding each other or kissing or cuddling...we pretty much had to be touching at ALL times. Then when I left, she had been constantly telling me how much she misses me, and how much she can't wait to see me again and things she misses about me and how sad it is making her to be apart. And it seems like that is ALL she wants to talk about. We never seem to have anything to talk about. I guess I'm also starting to worry that the relationship is based solely on the physical side. We haven't had sex, but close to it, and she tells me she's ready for it...but I'm not. Everything on the physical side of the relationship moved very fast, but we still don't seem to have things to talk about.

I'm terrified to hurt her in anyway...she is very sweet and caring and deserves lots...but I'm just getting this bad feeling about the whole relationship. She doesn't have anyone with her right now since she's away from home, so she wouldn't have anyone to go to IF we broke it off, I haven't made any decisions yet though. Again, it's hard to describe the feeling. Kind of a mix of anxious, worried about her, feeling trapped and smothered and what the future will be like.

With all this, keep in mind this is her first real relationship. I just don't know what to do about this feeling. Any help or advice would be very appreciated. Thanks and sorry again for the long read.

[Yggdrasil]

Well, it sounds like she's a bit depending on you.

It may be a good idea to talk to her and explain her that in a mature, loving and healthy relation, it's ok to have individuality and persue your own interests and hobbies, have your own friends and such.

Mature couples have their own friends and interests, as well as couple friends and couple activities. It's ok to have different interests and tastes. It's ok to disagree on things. After all, you're not joined at the hip.

I believe that's where your anxiousness comes from.

Maybe you guys moved a bit to fast and should take a step back? Give eachother a bit of room to breathe?

It seems that you are a bit more mature then she is when it comes to relations, and like you said, this is her first 'real' relation.

I'd say, be patient, and give her some time to get used to the idea that it's ok to be an individual in a relation and that such won't make her less loved or cared for.

After all, it seems like she loves you and it seems like you love her or at least care a great deal about her.

I could be wrong of course, but that's what I think it is.

[DoubleTaper]

Thanks for the advice. It is all very helpful.

We're going to be apart for the next month as I'm heading out of state, so we'll have space there for quite a while. The only thing that bugs me about that is when we are apart, all she really talks about is how much she misses me and how sad she is and such. It's kind of a downer and I'd really rather talk about other things. I know this is just her way of showing how she cares for me, but I kind of feel like it's pulling me down. Can I talk to her about that without her taking it a bad way or getting hurt?

[Yggdrasil]

Can I talk to her about that without her taking it a bad way or getting hurt?

That's a good question. I'd say yes, but since she's a bit immature when it comes to this, you'll have to choose your wording carefully while trying to remember that for her this is an emotional, romantic thing. She lost herself a bit in the relation.

So, I don't know, something like: hun, sweetie, baby (whatever works for her), I understand you'll feel sad we'll be no longer together that much. I want you to know that, even if we won't spend that much time together anymore, I still will love you.

Or something like that. I think that kind of tone may have the best results.

Use *I* statements. She'll probably still will take it pretty emotional, but just bear with that for a few. She'll have some maturing to do there, till she understand that she'll be perfectly ok not being joined at your hip all the time.

Not sure if I am making sense with this.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh oh. She's more emotional and you aren't. Watch this doesn't become a point of resentment b/t you later.

There's a post I just made to someone else about the 6 Love Styles. Its important you know how to satisfy the other person, especially when your styles are different. Its not hard to do, but you should do this now before you settle into communication patterns with each other you may regret later.

Search here or just google for it. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

Use *I* statements. She'll probably still will take it pretty emotional, but just bear with that for a few. She'll have some maturing to do there, till she understand that she'll be perfectly ok not being joined at your hip all the time.

Not sure if I am making sense with this.

"I" statements are terrific for ensuring communication doesn't come across as critical to the receiver, but it doesn't necessarily satisfy any of her actual needs in this matter. "I" statements basically help to keep the conversation from going sideways, but aren't a solution to a problem directly.

Nothing personal Ygg, just making a point from personal experience. Counsellors discuss these statements as if they address the underlying reason for the communication & solve a problem. But, of course, they don't.

[Yggdrasil]

Nothing personal Ygg, just making a point from personal experience. Counsellors discuss these statements as if they address the underlying reason for the communication & solve a problem. But, of course, they don't.

I don't take it personal, you have a good point there Indi.

[DoubleTaper]

Thanks for the advice guys.

She's visiting here now before I leave the state for a month. We haven't really talked about it, but we're taking things slower, and, like Ygg suggested, are taking a step back. For example, we're sleeping in separate beds and I feel much better about the situation. So far with her visit this time, I haven't had that bad feeling inside, which is a very good thing.

Should I still talk to her about it even though it is going okay now, like, in case it is going to head back to the way it was? Or should I just ride it out and hope for the best?

[Yggdrasil]

Should I still talk to her about it even though it is going okay now, like, in case it is going to head back to the way it was? Or should I just ride it out and hope for the best?

Talking things out is always a good idea. Even if it's only as practice for the future or to ensure no resentment is created.

So I would say yes, even if things seem or appear better, don't act as if nothing happend. Don't fall for that trap as so many do.