We get on really well, but he said he needs sex, but I'm a virgin?

[Jaelisha]

I just turned 20 a while ago. I'm a virgin. I'm single and always have been. I am pretty inexperienced when it comes to dating, I have dated one guy in the past but I ended up really hurt. I would label myself a good girl, I experienced things late, haven't really been on a proper date before, etc.
Even though I am a virgin, I have done other things,such as a handjobs, blowjobs (only a couple times) and I've been fingered (only a couple times too)

Now I've met this new guy, we get on so well intellectually, we just click, and it's rare to find that these days. The attraction was there from the beginning. He got my number through my friend (she hooked us up), we started talking for about 3 weeks through WhatsApp and phone calls, and decided to meet up over two weeks ago. I stayed at his for about 4 hours, as we were talking he found out I was a virgin and told me it was a slight put off, I didn't think much of it until I got home and he changed his attitude. He didn't talk to me the way he did before, no more phone calls, no more flirting/banter/jokes, he took hours to reply back and just seemed more distant. But, he still agreed to meet me again the week after.

Now we met up again, I was at his place for about 5 hours, things got a bit heated I ended up giving him a handjob and he fingered me.. But he stopped himself from getting too excited and didn't allow me to finish the handjob off because his mind was on sex, so he said he preferred to completely stop rather than go half way (as handjobs don't really excite him).
On Thursday, we also spoke about the virgin thing properly too, I told him I was surprised he wanted to see me again because he's been distant all week and he said he hasn't been, I told him he doesn't speak to me the same way, his replies are slow and vague and he told me he hadn't noticed properly, he knew he was a bit slow but he said subconsciously he didn't realise how his attitude had changed towards me cause he had lost a bit of interest.

I couldn't understand this, but I told him, although I'm a virgin, I would like to lose it (which is true, I have wanted to, I just haven't really met someone on the same wavelength as me before, I haven't truly met someone I can hold a good conversation with and connect with, until I met him)
He told me that the two main factors for him in a relationship is how the person is (their personality, their attitude, how he connects with them and talks to them) and sex. He told me, that one of the main factors is there, he knows we get on really well, but sex isn't there... He said as we got to know each other through messages and phone calls and when we met up it was great, he knows that there is potential there, but he also said sex connects him to that person too, which is essential to him. So I brought up the fact that I've only properly seen him twice now so l couldn't just have sex with him so soon (even though I wanted to but I will get to that bit later), but that's when he brought up the time length issue, and said "if I'm able to connect with that person intellectually, I know I can do the same physically, so even if it is sex on the 1st date, I need that connection to know we're on the same level and we're moving forward together"

So in other words, he's starting to lose interest because he hasn't connected with me physically, which I sort of understand but not completely. I'm just glad he was being honest with me and told me the ball is in my court.

But I know this guy has potential, I asked him to just hold out for a bit, cause I know the type of person I am and I just need to get to know him a little more, but even though in person he does have interest in me, and we're able to talk and flirt and joke around, I can tell that through texts and whats'apps he's losing interest, because he said, the sex thing will always be at the back of his mind.

Now as for me wanting to lose my virginity - I know I want to. I don't want to do it with just anyone though, that's my issue, I want to do it with someone that has potential or someone I'm seeing or getting to know. (The reason I'm still a virgin is because I've never had this sort of connection before).. His answer to this was "we've already gotten to know each other, I know you have potential to be my girlfriend, cause you're one of the nicest girls I've met and we get on really well, but if I'm not sexually in touch with you, I know I'll lose interest, I hope this doesn't sound bad but I'm just being truthful as it's better than me lying to you and telling you it's totally fine"

We had this whole conversation in his bed, and he was cuddling me the whole way through, telling me not to overthink things and said the power's in my hands, and that he doesn't want to force me. So I went home that night, things were alright over WhatsApp, still a bit distant though, and I was thinking about what he had told me and I was a bit busy, but then the next day, he asked to see me again! In my head I was thinking, 2 days in a row? So I went again..

Saw him on the Friday now, and I was there for a while, I got there for 6pm and I was planning to leave for 9pm, but ended up staying til about 1 in the morning.

Again, we were talking and getting to know each other for a while, we watched a film, ate dinner, etc. That was also the night things got a bit heated between us again. I gave him a handjob but I know this wasn't exciting him again, I could tell by his body language. He was fingering me and I was obviously VERY horny, he was just doing everything right, he was kissing the right spots and turning me on the correct way (noone else has been able to do this before). And that's when I wanted to turn him on, the way he wanted to be turned on (sex) but I was still in 2 minds, I was definitely considering it, and in that state of mind I thought "why not give it a try?" Now, we tried, and even til now I don't regret it (which must be saying something right?) but it didn't fit in lol, I was way too tight and just as he had fit the first inch in, I was in agony, it felt like a sharp stabbing pain, I read up on this and it says the vagina walls are ripping to fit the penis in but it was unbearable so I had to stop within a few seconds, he seemed disappointed but he carried on fingering me, and pleasing me the whole night, which made me feel selfish, because he was still willing to excite me.


Now it's been about a week and a half, since I last saw him and it's changed. At first we'd still talk but day by day he's just become much more distant, I honestly thought he was different, I have never ever been able to get on so well with a guy before, I don't know what's going through his mind.

He also didn't understand the fact that I let him finger me multiple times, I've given head in the past, but I wouldn't have sex. Now, my reason is, its not the act of sex that scares me, its the reaction afterwards, will things change? Will I be more needy/clingy? The first time jitters also scare me, the "title" itself, I will no longer be a "virgin", I personally think I'm holding onto the title of virginity more than my actual virginity itself, deep down I know it's not the end of the world if I lose it, but I dunno why my head is telling me it is.. Before I gave my last guy a blowjob I was so nervous, thoughts were running through my head, but once I did it, I wanted to do it again, and looking back at it now, it wasn't a big deal whatsoever.. I have been in two minds ever since that conversation, for nearly two weeks, a voice in my head is telling me to do it, and another voice is telling me not to, one day I feel like I'm ready to lose it cause I've been so curious to know what it feels like, then another day I'll feel down about it and will change my mind. My thoughts are a mess and I keep changing my mind. I'm soo confused I dont know how a guys mind works either, if he was just looking for sex, would he say it so directly? I mean, if I wasnt a virgin, do you think it would have made any difference? I cant tell if its my inexperience that scared him off or if its the fact that I just havent had sex with him, regardless of whether im a virgin or not.

[R.alexa]

Stop consuming yourself!!! he's a jerk, he's in it only for the sex. he knows you don't have any experience and thinks he can manipulate you into doing it. believe me that's not how you want to remember you first time. If he already told you that in order for him to understand if you're girlfriend material he has to sleep with you, it means that he's preparing you for the after speech: " Well, we didn't click sexually, and you know how important sex is for me". let him go!!!

the first time should be about you, whether you want it to be wild and an adventure with a complete stranger or a loving and romantic experience with someone special, but do it for you, not to impress anyone or to keep a jerk close for a few more days.

[Wakeup]

I think you should think more about if he's connecting with you and less emphasis on the fact that you're connecting with him. He doesn't seem to care much for you or do anything special with you and once he found out you were a virgin he started to back away.

Your call if you lose your hyman to this guy, and yes it will hurt so it's nice to do it with someone that understands that and makes sure you are lubricated sufficiently, but do be careful that you don't think that it will get you girlfriend status with this one. I think if you want to do it with someone that you have potential with, then this guy isn't the one to do it with.

How does this guy treat you in general? Does he take you out on dates, has he introduced you to his friends?

I'll add that whoever you do it with, make sure he is wearing a condom and keep one in your own purse or pocket so if he says he doesn't have one, you can produce yours. If he won't put it on then don't let him in. You can get pregnant when you have sex.. it's not a blowjob.

[Boisdevie]

He's probably getting distant because the lack of sex is getting him very frustrated. You want the first time you have sex to be 'special'. Well for most of us it's awkward but once it's over we're glad it's out of the way. Big hurdle over. Then you can start to learn to enjoy sex rather than stressing about it. Will having sex make things different. Of course it will.

[BlueberryCookie]

I feel sorry for you for being in such a position. I was pressurized into giving a guy a blowjob when I was younger and I did it to just to please him. I regretted it later because he was not the guy I hoped he would be. If you do it out of guilt, thinking he has "potential" but have not really seen him prove it to you, I suggest you to NOT give in to the pressure. You will regret it.