taking back a cheater, in need of advice!!

[jessica08]

Hello all,

After finding out I had been cheated on I broke it off immediately and got out of the relationship to think about everything that had happened. I NEVER in a million years thought I could stay with someone who had cheated on me. Well, since the moment i broke it off, he immediately started counseling, wrote me weekly letters telling me of his progress he had been making in counseling, and continued to show an immense amount of remorse and true signs of effort toward getting me back. After the initial devastation, i was so hurt and down that I turned to my family and a close friend for support. They helped me so much during this time, however, I am one of those people that believes in second chances, and after all the effort I am seeing from him, I am truly thinking about giving it another go. We have been taking things very slowly and he has been taking me on dates and showing me a lot of continual effort to make sure that I am comforted during this time. I feel deep down that he is truly changing, however here is my dilemma: My family says they support me in whatever I choose, but they say they want nothing to do with him. Is it wrong of me to give this relationship another try even though my family does not approve? I feel like if we do work out this second time around they will eventually come around down the road but I dont know if it is wrong to be with someone that my family doesnt approve of anymore. Any and all advice would be great!!

[basilandthyme]

Jessica, I can't tell you whether or not to take him back.

However, do not be tricked by your family saying they 'support you in whatever you choose'. Their choice to exclude him from the family very clearly shows their absolute lack of support in you taking him back. If they truly supported you if you choose to take him back, they would demonstrate that support by helping you have the best relationship you can.

[Hotaru]

It's hard to say, what was the nature of the slip up? Once? Twice? More than twice? One girl? More than one? How did they meet? What reason did he give for cheating? To me, that kind of stuff matters.

[jessica08]

well my parents said that they support ME as in they want whats best and they told me they just dont wanna see me get hurt again. However, they are not just going to open their arms to him so willingly like they did the first time around because they know now what he has done and they (like myself) have a hard time trusting him. I feel as though eventually down the road if they see that he has not hurt me again they will start to trust him again as well but I am just feeling unsure of the situation I am in right now and feel bad for being with someone my family doesnt like. But ultimately, I need to do what feels right and what makes me happy.

[haxan]

It just depends on your long term mindset. Can you get over the fact that he preferred having sex with another woman when he had you? With some people, that ugly demon keeps raising it's head with every disagreement or 'fight' down the road.

[Fruitsss]

im thinking like if u want to take him back why wait for all of that? why did u not just
take him back as soon as u found out?
and there is no security in life that him or whatever guy will not cheat. so if u think taking him back means
him never cheat or do something to hurt u is stupid. and naive and u will get hurt back.
so what ever u do dont be naive. be real with life.
why alll that crying and annoying your family with your problems and all of that just to take him back
at the end?

i know u will take him back cause someone that wont would not even ask but had already make a choice.

so u r kind of wasting out time 2 now.

[steviej]

Fruitsss you are genuinely nuts, lol!

Jessica, the nature of the indescretion is important, was it a drunken one night stand, were you having problems in the relationship, was it an affair that lasted many months etc?

How long have you been with him?

[smackie9]

All your family saw was you getting hurt. If you have seen a change in him, then eventually they will too. If he is your future husband, then you all need to heal together. Maybe if he had an honest conversation with your family, and showed some remorse, and gave some kind of an apology (man up), then it might smooth things over.

[IndiReloaded]

Agree with the others. Before you decide to forgive, you need to know what you are forgiving. Is this a one-time 'oops' or a more thought-out choice he made? You have to decide if this is part of his personality (which won't change, understand) or not.

The risk with taking back a cheater (or an abuser or anyone who hurts another) is that by doing so, you have told them you are, at some level, okay with what they did. The chance he will do it again is much higher. Up to you if you give rabbit foo-foo another chance.

[drmessup]

Sounds like the same situation im in only im the cheater. I wake up every day all alone with regrets and all i want is a second chance but her parents will probly disown her for takin me back. It comes down to you deciding if the person who hurt you in the past is worth stressong a relationship with your parents over or if losing the person you clearly love is worth your parents approval

[jessica08]

Thank you all for your honesty. This was a one-time mistake (or that I know of). We had an amazing relationship aside from this and he really seems to be remorseful. The only reason i told my family to begin with was because I never thought I'd be able to be with someone who cheated and i needed support to get through it. But to my surprise, I really do see us becoming stronger and working through this in a positive manner, so maybe it can work out. I know my family will never disown me, but I wonder if they will ever be able to trust him down the road.

[BennyBillion]

You need to know if he's sorry for doing it or for being caught?Understand the difference.

[smackie9]

Hey Jess it's all up to you and how strong you can be about it.

[Guybrush]

This was a one-time mistake (or that I know of). We had an amazing relationship aside from this and he really seems to be remorseful.

Since what you had seems potentially worth saving, let's just assume that he is honest about his intentions about changing.

Still, in order to avoid eternal trust issues it is important to understand how he allowed this "one time mistake" to happen. Do you know what exactly happened?

[IndiReloaded]

Hope dies last.

Know *what* you are fighting for, Jessica. What makes you think he has really changed? What is he saying to you about cheating, in general? Does he really understand what he betrayed. Hint - its not just that he betrayed you, without minimizing what you feel, that's the least of it. If he doesn't understand the principle *for himself* (you telling him doesn't count), then he is doomed to repeat this behaviour.

Sometimes, you need to lose something important to truly understand the consequences of a behaviour. Consider *that* may be the purpose of your relationship (and that you need to move on to someone more compatible).

Think about it, okay?