I dont understand her...

[lotsa1s]

There's this girl I've been into for awhile. We've been friends for a few years but we've only started hanging out this past summer. We'd always end up kicking it way late into the night, staying up till like 4 in the morning watching old movies and wandering around suburbia. She joked at one point how "we could of totally had sex like 100 million times by now if we wanted."

She had also been dating this one kid for almost 2 years until they broke up at the start of September. From what I gather, she really just got tired of being in a relationship. Like, they're still friends and everything.

Now, at the end of September, me and her were hanging out, late at night, as usual. We were lying next to each other, and she just started edging closer and closer to me, putting her head on me, holding my hand. We eventually kind of just stopped talking and melted into each other. We kissed. I told her I liked her and I'd really like to date her, and she said its pretty obvious that she liked me back but that she wasn't in the right place for a relationship, and that this was "just for tonight".

She later tells me she doesn't want commitment or responsibility, which is fine. I tell her I wont wait for her if shes not ready now, and we remain friends. but during this time little clues as to how she feels about me keep popping up, like how at the end of summer I gave her a stick of the incense that I constantly smell like and how shes kept it since then (and keeps bringing it up). She steals things from me playfully and makes me chase her around and wrestle them from her... She came to my house once when she was really down just to see me for a few minutes... I wasn't really pursuing her at this point but I noticed signs every now and then. Then...

2 weeks ago, we're hanging out, late at night (as usual), watching old movies. (Apparently she had lied to all her friends to hang out with me that night.) She lies down next to me and, well, basically the exact same thing happens. We stop talking and start to melt into each other again. An hour into the movie she's essentially wrapped around me, breathing heavily, with her eyes closed. So once again, I (wrongly?) interpret this as "I really like you". I tell her, again, that I'd really like to date her, and once again I get the same dodgy response. She eventually leaves and I'm left as confused as before.

I shot her an email asking where we were, what I meant to her. Here's what she said in response:

you're one of the easiest people to be around right now just because you don't judge me and you don't hate me for every other thing i do. if anything, i need to apologize because you're right, i don't give clear signals. one of my problems (well, it's only a bad thing depending on how you look at it) is that i have a lot of love to give, and there are a lot of people i love, but only i understand (sometimes lol) in what way i love them, if that makes any sense. so for example, i love you, but i don't think dating you would work out. so i guess technically we work as friends, but that doesn't mean i don't love you. and it's really annoying because no matter how i word it, it sounds like i'm just turning you down or something but that's not really what it is, i just can't explain it well enough. it's not a relationship type of love i guess you could say, but i want you to know that i do love you.
idk, i really just kinda hate myself right now for not being able to deal with other human beings adequately. why can't i just be normal? be single, be taken. and you really don't deserve to be tied up in my emotions right now, if i had a choice even i wouldn't.
so, to try to answer your question a little more directly now that i've blabbered incoherently for a novel or two, i guess i'd say that to me you're one of the few people who can actually make me feel loved, and you know i love you back, but we're probably best off rolling as friends. and as far as the future goes, i am 100% clueless.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I just don't understand her right now. Her words say she doesn't want to date me but her actions say that she's really into me. Do I have a chance at all with her, now or in the future?

(EDITED: For clarity)

[lastwish]

she likes you. But it sounds like she still has feelings for her ex that she can't get over yet. Don't push her (meaning: don't be the first one to bring up the topic of a relationship again). Let her get over her attachment and if she's ready, she'll be the one to bring up the relationship.

[carl1222]

I wish you had posted here BEFORE you sent the email. It's clear she's really into you, but it's equally clear that she's unable to commit right now. She's less than 3 months past the breakup of a 2 year relationhip so that's understandable, but don't be surprised if she doesn't react well to your letter.

Nobody breaks up after 2 years just because they decided one day that they didn't want to be in a relationship in the abstract. So there are reasons behind her breakup that you don't know yet. Respect her need for caution, and stop telling her how much you love her. You'll cause her to bolt!

Good luck,

Carl.

[lotsa1s]

I wish you had posted here BEFORE you sent the email. It's clear she's really into you, but it's equally clear that she's unable to commit right now. She's less than 3 months past the breakup of a 2 year relationhip so that's understandable, but don't be surprised if she doesn't react well to your letter.

Nobody breaks up after 2 years just because they decided one day that they didn't want to be in a relationship in the abstract. So there are reasons behind her breakup that you don't know yet. Respect her need for caution, and stop telling her how much you love her. You'll cause her to bolt!

Good luck,

Carl.

Oh sorry dude, I didn't make that clear. The quoted paragraph was her response to my letter. I just asked her where we were as friends and what I meant to her.

[carl1222]

Sorry, man, you were clear, I just misread. I agree with lastwish's comment.

Carl.

[lotsa1s]

she likes you. But it sounds like she still has feelings for her ex that she can't get over yet. Don't push her (meaning: don't be the first one to bring up the topic of a relationship again). Let her get over her attachment and if she's ready, she'll be the one to bring up the relationship.

Thanks. I know for a fact her ex still has feelings for her. He expressed them to her a few weeks ago and apparently it made her kind of depressed, so... I don't know.

I wont mention it again, but should I ask her what it means if she starts cuddling/melting on me again? Cause I'm never the one to initiate that and I interpreted it both times as as "I want you". Gets somewhat confusing.

Mixed messages... Ugh.

[kitty001]

Is she the type of girl who is popular and well liked by most guys she hangs out with?
I think you should listen to what she told you..she "has a lot of love to give". She likes giving and receiving attention, which is perfectly normal. It makes her feel good. But like she said, she may not see you as boyfriend material, at least not right now.
Im the same way with some of my guy friends. I'll joke around with them, hug them, laugh and laugh with them, almost to the point of being flirtatious. I do not see most of them as boyfriend material, though. I just enjoy having fun with them. One friend in particular..we had tons of fun, an awesome connection, and we would have made a great couple if we'd ever gotten together. I LOVED him, I just never felt attracted to him in any romantic way.

Give her time, especially since she's just gotten out of a long term relationship. Her emotions are all mixed up right now. She doesnt seem to want you as anything more than a friend at the moment..so let it be. If she has a change of heart, you'll know.

[carl1222]

Really Kitty? I don't think she thinks of him as friend-zoned at all. They've gone considerably beyond flirting ... far past what most women would do with a guy who she "doesn't think of that way."

Lots ... I don't think her rejection is specifically addressed to you, take her at her word that she has real romantic feelings for you but needs time outside of a relationship to sort out her breakup. It has nothing to do with not being "boyfriend material."

Patience.

Carl.

[lotsa1s]

Thank you both. kitty I'd think exactly what you said and consider my self friend-zoned if her actions didn't betray other thoughts, but they do, which is confusing as all hell.

I'll give it some time I guess.