would like to hear your input (long)

[Ericka]

Okay here is the story or should I say my version of the story, I had a boyfriend which dumped me 2 month ago, we were together for approximately 16 month during which at that time marriage was proposed, wedding plans had been made but they were halted after my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away 3 month ago, I am 35 yrs old he is 33.(he is a social worker in process of obtaining is psychology doctorate, I am a foreign general doctor but I work as a central manager for a diagnostic facility)the thing is we had had a discussion prior to him making the decision of breaking up with me on moral, ethical, religious values. He has a “conservative religious background”.. I believe in God Period, I don’t go to church, I don’t preach but I believe in being the best I can be, that actions speaks louder than words, I believe in speaking up, people sees me as aggressive, I see myself as assertive. Concerning ethical issue; we also have different opinions example Martha Stewart case I think she was used as an example, that anyone with a lot of amount of money will protect what is there’s and if you would have that opportunity of someone telling you what is about to happen, one would take the chance, he says it was right for her to pay the price, because it was wrong period. Moral don’t let me get started I told him he can’t talk about morals because he would be hypocrite because if he was very religious why didn’t that stop him from us going to bed (that was not the words I really used) besides that when he broke up with me it was because he stated that I was not humble enough (humble for me = doormat), that I was not in the same line of thoughts as him within his religious beliefs and he felt I didn’t provide emotional support. Of course I believe in acceptance to other point of view, I respect other point of view but that doesn’t mean I have to change my ideals, my ideas and my thoughts. Supportive, damn I surprised myself I was beyond supportive, during the first month of my mom dying, I stayed in his house (I have my own place) and during that month not only was I there for him (instead of him being with me in my grief stage) when I would return from work I not only cooked (I don’t cook for myself but here I was gleefully cooking for him) I cleaned, studied with him, help him out in his reports, talked, and we did activities together. When I decided to move back to my place, he stated he felt like I was abandoning him (I wasn’t going to move into his place without being invited.) then he tells me he is going to get a roommate to rent his spare bedroom (????) then we go to Virginia so he can meet my girlfriend, we have a wonderful weekend and zoom he calls me during the week and he feels we should brake this off. I didn’t see this happening, I thought we had great communication skills, we talked, we shared our opinions and it wasn’t about being right or wrong it was about accepting one another’s point of view. So the thing is we have talked (I don’t call him), we have seen each other, he tells me he has sad days and bad days but he is waiting for God to give him a sign. Look I love this guy, I feel he is the one for me and I really think it’s not my ego interfering with my thoughts, I told him sign??? And what are you doing to seek for the sign? Are you meditating? Praying? And what if god has given you a sign but at this moment of time you are not ready to see it, you can’t see it? He says he can’t imagine not having me in his life but he wants to make sure he is doing the right decision, but he doesn’t want to think much about it, he just wants the answer to be dropped into his laps.
I told him that I was not giving him time that I was not asking for time that I was not going to be waiting for him until he made his decision that I was moving on, that I was working through this experience (I am seeing a therapist) and that I was using this experience to become a much better person. That I still loved him, that there were times where I wanted to yank him out of my life but I was scare to do so. That I was not willing to put my life on hold nor hope for us to be together again, that I felt somewhat disappointed because when he did take that decision it wasn’t based on us but on him, as an individual, that knowing what we knew know I could see he was to scare to believe and fight for us, to meet me half way. He stated that he still loved me but he didn’t know what to do, that yes indeed he was afraid, that he had come to realize that he was being critical and judgmental towards me and he didn’t want to do that, that he believed he shouldn’t ask me to change nor does he believes people are capable of changing and he knows that he had hurt me very deeply and that was the biggest thing he regretted. Because he knew who I was deep inside (I try to project myself as a very strong , independent person , when in reality I can cry for the most stupidest thing and I have to think thing thoroughly before making a decision).
When we get together (once every 2 weeks and he calls me like 3 or 4 times during the week, of course that is if I pick up his call) the atmosphere is layback, we talk more openly, we have addressed the relationship issue, he is the one who brings it up one way or the other (normally I try avoiding it because he is the one who starts crying, he is very much connected to his emotions and he express them freely which I do admire that in him).
So guys I want your input of this drama.

[cycletease]

Wow, you are in quite a dilemma. I am sorry to hear about your mom, then the break-up, this must be a very hard time for you.

From what you describe it sounds to my like your guy has some preconceived notions about how women should behave and think. You are successful and free-thinking, which is probably why he likes you, but it somehow doesn't jive with what he thinks a "wife" should be like. Of course, this is purely speculation since people and relationships are always more complicated that a quick post can summarize.

If this is the case then the problem won't go away with a sign or anything else. He is going to need to mature a little and be able to reconcile his feelings and expectations. As hard as it may be I would say that he really needs some time away to reflect on things. He can never see what life is like without you if you are always there.

Also, his need to figure things out is no greater than your need for someone who knows your worth and knows who they are...he shouldn't be the only one calling the shots. You break up because he is unsure, you still see him because he is unsure, you listen to him compain about his decision to break up with you. I think you are right to stick to your guns about not waiting around for him.

Now go out and live your life so that he knows you mean it.

[Fawn]

I agree with cycle.
This has been a long and tiring relationship for you. Its great that your learning to move on. I think he is in a very bad spot right now. He doesn't know what to do with his life and seems confused on relationships & religion. I also think he's had "cold feet." Most guys get that when they just realise that this is the last person I'll ever be with, type of thing.

Good Luck with this situation. Its deffinitly a hard one.

[Junket]

Paragraph Seperation

[Ericka]

Cycletease, Fawn,
I thank you for reassuring me, I feel good with the decision I have made and I will continue to stick to my guns... and I am definetly going out there and live ,because life is an adventure and I am sure as hell going to live it!!!

[cycletease]

Cycletease, Fawn,
I thank you for reassuring me, I feel good with the decision I have made and I will continue to stick to my guns... and I am definetly going out there and live ,because life is an adventure and I am sure as hell going to live it!!!

That is the right attitude! The other benefit to living this way is that being happy is about the most attractive quality on anyone.

[Colleen]

Well, I don't have a lot of good to say about your boyfriend. You've just been thru a hell he can never understand unless he has lost a parent, too (has he?) Yet during a time when he should have been taking care of you, you were trying to tend the relationship. Throughout your post you consistently revealed yourself to be someone who is strong and committed. You are mature enough to understand what is needed to maintain a real relationship, while your Ex sits around waiting for a sign from God. I am not a holy roller but I consider myself pretty spiritual. Spiritual enough that I have called more than one holy roller (and sigh, in the south they are rampant) on their false assumption that God will cover their complete lack of accountability. I had one boyfriend who quoted scripture to me while getting drunk and failing to pay his kids bills. That didn't last long. God expects us to be mature enough to guide our own life. Sure we can pray as a way of thinking things thru, but someone who openly says they are waiting for a sign, well, they are just admitting they don't want to do anything. So they put it all on God. But God knows they are losers too so of course he isn't gonna give them a frickin sign. Geesh.

I'm sorry you are going thru this. I was lucky in that when my mother died my fiance stood by me completely. We are divorced now (married 8 years) but we are still the best of friends. I admire him as a man because he IS one. You will find one too. This guy ain't it.

I'll close by saying it's regrettable I'm not a dude cause we sound totally compatible. LOL! Oh well!

Best to you.

Colleen