Broken

[ConfusedCanuck]

Hey everyone,
Just turning here for some advice... and to rant, I guess. Maybe getting this off my chest will help me move on. Over the past several months, I've been seeing a co-worker (not exactly the greatest idea, I know, but it just kind of happened). We started talking and really hit it off and ended up spending a lot of time together. I would take her to movies, museums, relax at her apartment, etc. All the usual date things. We got very close and for a while we really had something going. There just seemed to be that magic spark between us: we were seeing each other regularly and things were going picture perfect. This went on for several months. Until one day, when we had plans to see a movie. She messaged me to say something had come up and she would not be able to make it to the movie. Trusting her, I understood. We would see each other on another day. After that message, she stopped talking to me altogether without warning or reason. Nothing. No messages, calls, e-mails or anything. Just dead silence. Naturally concerned over the unusual and abnormal silence, I tried to talk to her but could never get a response. She seemed to be avoiding me at all costs. After a week or so, and out of the blue, she finally asked to see me. With a mix of hesitation and excitement I agreed. When I met her, she said she "had something to talk about." Never good words to hear. She bluntly informed me she did not want a relationship (and in her own words "with me or with anyone else"). She just did not want to commit to anything. She told me she still wanted to be with me, just not under the formality of a relationship. She made it abundantly clear that this was not an ending. So, we would continue being close friends. Or so I thought. The next day, the silence began again. Figuring she just needed her own space, I let her be. She would talk to me again when she was ready. Two weeks passed with no contact in any way. All of a sudden, she messages me with something urgent. She told me she has been dating another co-worker. That was yesterday. Today I found out that on the night she did not go to the movie with me, she went drinking with a co-worker... the same co-worker she is dating right now.

The two of them have been dating for at least a few weeks now. I'm not sure what to make of this, or how I should respond. I feel very betrayed right now and hopefully I'm not being a crazy clinger in feeling that way. I also feel angry with her. She lied to me and used my trust to be with someone else she had every intention of dating and then broke it off with me. She has a boyfriend and I am left out in the cold. Unfortunately, all three of us are going to have to work together for the time being. Am I out of line in feeling angry and betrayed? How should I act and respond? We will not able to avoid each other over the next few weeks at work, so ignoring the two of them is out of the question. Anything to help me through this would be very much appreciated.

I get the feeling while writing this out, that it's beginning to sound a lot like high school drama. However, I feel I should point out that this is not high school. Hopefully I can find some kind of guidance here.

[vashti]

Yikes. It's going to suck for a while, I can't deny, but I think you should act as though you don't care. It will be extraordinarily hard for a while, but with practice, you will improve, and eventually, the feelings will follow.

Alternately, you can start job hunting.

[BeingAlpha]

Same thing happened to me. It sucks but you will get over it. Just avoid them as much as you can and i promise one day you will be fully over it. The girl that did this to md ended up marrying someone very senior. Imagine my worry that someday she would tell him she had hooked up with me and someday my career would be over. They both left. Dating is dating until you are in a relationship. Its really no different than in school. Let it go and move on...sorry

[ammi00]

I can understand why you feel betrayed, but you have to let go of this. Can you find yourself another work place? If that's impossible, try to avoid them, but in the same time act as normal as possible. Like they say "a show of envy is an insult to yourself" - try not to let them see you're affected, talk normal to them, be tactful and if she evers tells you again that she has something important to tell you, don't respond - tell her "oh, sorry, but I have something else to do now, blah blah".
On the other side, you said you dated for months and things were going perfectly. Maybe she was expecting you to make a move during these months... I think the other guy was faster.

[quangluan_bk]

I think that you needn't to avoid them, keep doing your task as normal as nothing happened with you. You must prove something to them that she is nothing with you and you continue living normally if lacking of her!

[ConfusedCanuck]

Thank you all for the responses and your sympathetic ears. They are appreciated and do help me in thinking this all out.

However, I still have a million questions gnawing at the back of my mind, which I highly doubt I will ever get answers too. Why Would she do this to me? Was I not trusting, caring, supportive and loving? I just can't seem to wrap my head around why and keep circling back to that one question. I trusted her and she led me on. Many of you have suggested that I should find a new job. Not only did I lose the girl, but now I need to lose my job too? This seems wildly unfair to me. I have worked extremely hard at my job to earn the respect I have now. It would set me right back to square 1 to look elsewhere and undo years of effort. Her and her boyfriend will get to keep their jobs and each other while I get nothing, must find a new job and must act normally? I can't accept that. Why must I suffer all this loss while she gains everything?

ammi00,
For the time being, a new workplace will not be possible. Avoiding them both is going to be extremely difficult, if not impossible. I am required to have at least some contact with them. I very much dislike the possibility that what you said about him being faster. However, I am starting to think there may be some truth to that. While I did not state it explicitly, I did make a move and she reciprocated. She kissed me and we spent the night together. To me, that sealed the deal. And it seemed that way for almost 6 months after.

quangluan_bk and Vasti,
I like your suggestions, despite how hard it is going to be. I don't suppose there is anything that can be done to make it easier, is there? I thank you both for saying it. I think I may just try and prove to them I am better off.

BeingAlpha,
I'm curious to know more about what happened in your case. How did you feel? Did you manage to avoid them? How did you handle the situation?

[ammi00]

Questioning yourself after something like this, is absolutely normal. But, at one point, you'll realize that you have to leave things as they are, because you won't find the real answers anywhere. Considering the way she acted, I doubt she knows very well what happened. 6 months is a lot of time, and from what I understand you didn't ever talk about having a relationship, you've just kissed. How often was this kiss-thingie happening (because I understood it happened only once)? From my point of view, this is how I see the situation: she kept you mostly as a friend, probably she was expecting at one point for you to make another move than kissing, you were loving and caring all this time because you thought you're in a relationship (or will be), probably she got bored... then this new guy came, moved waaaay faster and voila! Then she wanted to get rid of you. In my opinion, if she would have had "love" feelings for you, she would not have been with someone else and she would not have avoided you. Personally, I start avoiding my male friends when I see they want "more".