I don't know how to deal with my depression in my relationship.

[thene0n]

I've been with my amazing, kind, sweet boyfriend for two years. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, is everything and more that I'd want from a man and someone I could easily picture spending my life with, having kids - the whole nine yards. He makes me smile like no else, can calm me down like no one else.. He just feels like home. There's no other way to explain it. He is just the best type of person, my version of a perfect guy and I know nobody else could make me feel as secure and good as he makes me feel.

In the past year (April 2013-now) we've gone through a lot. I've never had an overly stable home life (broken family - deadbeat dad that I haven't seen since I was 2 years old, slightly autistic brother, low income family) but it became a little more complicated when my mom began to date again after 19 years single. The guy she dated was pretty much another version of what she's told me about my dad - an alcoholic with problems. She kinda just disappeared for weeks at a time when he'd come to visit her, and I hated it. He then got her pregnant, she miscarried - you can see where the stress came in from that.
Despite that, I still had a great relationship with my boyfriend during those times. He was 100% there for me, and was my rock during that time. In September, I went back to university (2 hours away fr hometown/bf), and it was again - fine. Our relationship hadn't changed one bit, and we were still very happy and in love. My room mates/best friends had a lot of drama that was brought into our home within the month of September, such as: rape allegations, messy break-ups, bringing new guys in, one coming out as gay.. again, a lot of heavy stuff. I was stressed out, but again - still doing okay and my relationship hadn't been affected.

We found out in October 2013 that he had to go away for two months across the country for a job out west that paid a great deal and would look good for his new trades degree. He'd be gone for 20 days at a time, then home for 10 days. It was hard for us, as we'd never been apart for longer than a week or so - but we were super committed. I had never cried so hard or missed him so bad as I did when he first left - it was like he was never to come back! He was torn up as well, but the whole first month he was gone, things were great. Long distance wasn't anything to us, and we looked forward to being back together again. I remember driving to the air port to pick him up for the first time being so excited to see him that I felt sick!
When I first seen him, I was so happy. We kissed, and it just felt different. No usual warm sensation of happiness that I was used to, no longing - just a kiss. That threw me for a loop, and of course, I felt kind of awkward about that - this was a guy I loved so much, shouldn't I be feeling less awkward about it? I did my best to ignore the feeling, and we had a good ten days together from what I remember.

He went back out west, and this time, I didn't cry very much at all. I didn't want him to leave, yet it was kind of like I somewhat shut down. I was sad, missed him - but it felt like a different missing. We started to bicker a little more during the month of November while he was out west again, about him not being focused on our conversations as much as he used to (ie: being preoccupied with TV when he'd call me, asking What? 235873 times after I said something b/c he wasn't paying attention..) but by the end of the phone calls, we'd be great again and be happy and good with each other.
He was set to come home for good on December 3rd, and he'd be at my university December 4th to pick me up. Again, I was excited to see him and looking forward to being together again. The morning of December 4th, I got a phone call from one of our best friends (we will call her "A") who told me her boyfriend was on the phone saying he (we will call him "W") was going to kill himself (They were fighting due to a recent break-up at the time) . "A" asked me to call my boyfriend and see if he could check on him, which I did - and he was angry, blaming "A" for being mean to "W". He brushed off "W" comments of suicide, said he'd never do that he's probably just trying to get her attention, and he'd message him. "W" never replied, and we found out on our way home that he had killed himself.

We were devastated to find out, especially since this couple had been our best friends/double date people. "W" and my boyfriend are so similar in their overall personalities, as am I with "A" and it was just hard to cope with. I remember feeling slightly resentful of "W", resentful of my boyfriend for not taking it seriously, and guilty because I just didn't know how to fix it. Our Christmas Break, which we had planned to be such a good time, had been tainted with funerals and memorials. That's when I remember noticing the sheer panic of doubt creeping into my head.

It seemed to be all of the sudden, but suddenly, I couldn't even sit next to my boyfriend without feeling extreme guilt and sadness. I was definitely grieving, but it felt like even more. I'd have panic attacks when we were cuddling, kissing - I couldn't be intimate and I was devoid of emotion for everything in my life, but noticed the most with my boyfriend. I began to doubt my love for him, doubt our solid relationship, which of course, made it worse. I began to fail out of school, not sleep at night, lose weight, was unable to cry but if I did, it was over my loss of feeling. I was pre-occupied with my relationship, and nothing else mattered. I left school for a health leave for two weeks, and during those two weeks I was to the doctor, who prescribed me Zoloft (stayed on for 2 weeks) then Wellbutrin (2 weeks of it) and I did not continue them, as I felt they numbed me even more and I felt more jittery with them.

I went to counselling, and all they have said is that perhaps I just am focused on my boyfriend because my deceased friend was so similar to him. Others have said I have intimacy issues due to my father abandoning me so young, my history of r'ships (was once with a guy for 4 yrs - feelings quit on me after a year and I emotionally cheated for 2 1/2 yrs with diff guys) and for the first time, I'm dealing with them.

I don't want anyone else, don't fantasize about single life. My boyfriend has been supportive, been amazing to me and has loved me unconditionally and I'm so glad to have him. Things have improved greatly in the past few months (April-now), but I still feel no feelings and still am struggling with doubts because of that. I'm able to laugh more than I was able to before with him, cuddle, still kiss, etc. I'm still lacking a sex drive (like, I don't even think about it/feel urge to masturbate), but we are having sex regardless, though he is wary to do so because he wants me to enjoy it as much as I used to.
I know when something traumatic happens, sometimes that can change a relationship, but to me, it just doesn't make sense. I love him so much as a person, he makes me a better person and I don't want to give him up. I'm struggling with what to do, because I just crave to feel what I used to again with him. I know I was well past the stage of limerance, as we had moved to this solid, warm, happy place/feeling.. I just don't understand what could have taken that away.
As for any other problems, we have admitted to each other we are in a rut, but we are taking the steps to fix that by planning a summer full of new and old activities and things to do together to keep things interesting.

I'm just scared. I don't know what to do, how to fix this and where to even begin. I crave my old self, the love I know I'm capable of giving and not this half-ass stuff that is going on now with me. I hate myself for doing this to our relationship, but more importantly, him. He is everything to me, and I just want to be better for him, and myself. We both deserve that. Again, I have noticed the lack of feeling for everything, but it bothers me the most with him :(

Here's my conclusions:

1. a) I'm depressed/anxious because the relationship has run it's course and deep down I know it
2. b) the depression and anxiety has just built up so long that it invaded my relationship.

What do I do? I love him. I love him so much as a person, as a man. He is not only the best boyfriend, but the best friend I've ever had. I have never trusted a man so much, loved a man so deeply or wanted something so much as I want my relationship with him. I want him to be the father of my children (if destiny allows it), I want him next to me as we overlook our land on our porch, I want to snuggle him the rest of my life.. the whole nine yards. What do I do? Where do I begin? I just want insight, some kind of advice, anything. Mostly, I want people's take on my situation - am I doomed to fail? :(

[bulrush]

I went through similar things in my childhood. I also had intimacy issues due to a highly neglectful mom. But I did begin to deal with them in college.

First, you've had a rough childhood which made a rocky foundation for further relationships as an adult. Second, the suicide and funeral was like an earthquake that shook your already weak psychological/emotional foundation. You grew up expecting things to go bad, and now maybe you focus on just things that are bad, instead of the good things. Your brain must be retrained to see the good things more often than the bad, but without putting yourself in danger at the same time.

So now you have doubts because the honeymoon phase is over. That's the phase of uncontrolled infatuation, that people often confuse with love. However, you said he makes you feel comfortable, like you're home. I see that as a very good thing. You should keep that part in mind.

So I also think, since you are feeling numb, this is a symptom of depression. Just because the honeymoon period is over does not mean you two are incompatible.

I think you should keep trying different meds, even if they have minor side effects. Zoloft and other meds can kill the sex drive, so watch out for that.

Next, stop focusing on "feelings" of love. Love won't fix your relationship when life gets rough. Only good communication and appropriate actions will. Love does not power the relationship, it is a side effect of the relationship. You will have days you feel in love, and days you do not.

1. Ignoring love, how do you FEEL with him?
2. Does he meet your needs?
3. Is he kind?
4. Can he communicate and solve problems without yelling?
5. Can he compromise to meet your needs? When two people are really compatible, it's much easier to compromise to meet the other's needs. So, compatibility in sex, kids, and money is CRITICAL.
6. Do you feel like he actually adds something to your life?