Winning her back - / - proving myself.

[troubled]

Hey all,
I’ve put myself in a bit of a crappy position:
A few months ago I got to know this girl better through a friend. We’ve talked a few times before but only briefly and we didn’t really hang out or anything. But then we started seeing each other more often and we were both interested in being friends with benefits. We went to music events together, and made out a few times and even attempted sex a few times. After a while we started developing feelings for one another and she confesses to me that she likes me more than just a friend with benefits, and is interested in dating. So I take her out on our first date, which I believe went well.

After that I made a stupid rookie mistake and didn’t call for about two weeks. Oops. So naturally she thinks I’ve lost interest in her (I never did, I just was too shy/lazy). Also she mentioned on our first date that she would cook for me, so I relied too much on that being our next encounter.

So just when I was about to confess my feelings to her and make things right again and start a proper relationship with her, she gets into a relationship with a different guy whom she had been seeing. If I had kept in touch with her more often I could have had her to myself, and I hate myself for it. A day after they got together, we both got drunk and she flirted with me and we made out. But she felt bad the day after because she cheated on her new boyfriend and admitted this to him.

Anyway, this new guy comes off as pretty needy and somewhat clingy and tries hard to please her, to which she has admitted. He is about six years younger than her and takes drugs and doesn’t really have any proper ambition in life. But apparently he makes her happy.

I personally believe I can make her happier. I don’t indulge in hardcore drugs and she even told me before that I am the best kisser she ever had, which I’m sure means a lot to women. She even badmouths him to my friend and she said she thinks she can “change” him.

A week after these two got in a “relationship”, she tells my friend (the same one who introduced us to one another) that she wants to meet up with me and hang out. She told my friend that she wants to kiss, which I find interesting even though she is in this relationship. Needless to say, the boyfriend shows up, but only because he called her, wondering where she was. And I find out later that they had a fight about her seeing me, even if we didn't end up kissing. But she was fighting for me and standing up for me, telling him that she can hang out with who she likes.

She must still have feelings for me and is not 100% certain of this new relationship. Feelings don't die so easily.

I personally believe she is in this relationship with him because he makes more effort contacting her and keeping in touch and giving her affection and admiration. As I said, I know for a fact I can make her happier and make her feel more special, with better kissing, passion and intimacy. I think I am just that kind of guy. I just keep to myself quite a bit and can be shy at times.

How do I win her back and prove that I am the better man for her? It’s been about two weeks since they got together. Oh and when we do see each other, she is happy and smiling and pays attention to me and starts conversations with me.

[Cerby]

Here is one simple truth - its both arrogant and ignorant to believe that "for a fact" you believe you can make her happier. You don't actually know what he brings to the table, just what she has told you. Secondly, if I went on a date with someone I was interested in I wouldn't wait 2 weeks to call again. Shelf life on locking in a second date is 3 days. Shy/Lazy isn't a reason, its an excuse - if your feelings were genuine you wouldn't have been able to wait to call her - let alone 2 weeks.

Now lets talk about her, who wants to be with a girl that has no problem arranging to cheat on her current boyfriend? All it means is that she will likely be looking for more on the side when your relationship actually starts. She isn't the kind of girl worth putting time into.

As for the advice? I have none, I don't see anything here that actually convinces me you're the "better man".

[Amber2011]

Sounds to me that she's playing off one against the other. Don't beat yourself up any more about this girl. Walk away and find a nice girl who will treat you properly - and next time don't wait two weeks before asking her out on a second date.

[smackie9]

Here is one simple truth - its both arrogant and ignorant to believe that "for a fact" you believe you can make her happier. You don't actually know what he brings to the table, just what she has told you. Secondly, if I went on a date with someone I was interested in I wouldn't wait 2 weeks to call again. Shelf life on locking in a second date is 3 days. Shy/Lazy isn't a reason, its an excuse - if your feelings were genuine you wouldn't have been able to wait to call her - let alone 2 weeks.

Now lets talk about her, who wants to be with a girl that has no problem arranging to cheat on her current boyfriend? All it means is that she will likely be looking for more on the side when your relationship actually starts. She isn't the kind of girl worth putting time into.

As for the advice? I have none, I don't see anything here that actually convinces me you're the "better man".

I couldn't have said this better myself.