I love my girlfriend more than my life but i dont lust her enough

[retro]

Hello all,

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG POST. CANT FIND A BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

I am really frustrated and i have ran out of options. I really wanted to open to someone and get advice and came across this forum.. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful amazing girl for almost 5 years. I am 23 and she is 21. We connect to each other at many levels, she has the most wonderful personality i have seen in any person. she has no problem saying what she feels. Me on the other hand is not very social and always have a problem saying "no" to people and telling what i really feel for the fear of hurting them.

Though we love each other more than anything, i dont find her sexually attractive. She is my first and only girlfriend. Both of us are still virgins. we ve been having this problem for all these years and we still dont have a solution. We both have average looks but my problem is i simply cannot look at the person i love the most sexually. I had a crush, (though she did not reciprocate) on another girl before meeting my current gf and even back then i liked her for some reason but it was not for her looks. I din even imagine having sex with her.

Same thing with my current gf. Not that i dont like having sex with her but i simply don lust her. This is getting complicated because she is very unhappy though she loves me and she even thinks i am not interested in sex altogether. I love sex a lot and watch porn almost everyday and physically also i don hav any problems. ED, premature ejaculation etc. We do have sex once in a while but it lacks passion, though i pretend its not so. But its obvious.

This is taking a toll on out relationship because pretending to be sexually attracted to her doesnt work and i end up hurting her even more. I don know how the future looks. We love each other so deeply and i know the right thing to do would be break up and let her go.

I simply cant imagine letting her go.. In fact i would never have the guts to do it. I cant even imagine a minute without her in my life. But i cant go ahead hurting her either. I am really confused and frustrated and i dono what to do. Please help me by letting me know your views.

I wanna marry this girl and wanna live the rest of my life with her. Even she loves me more than anything except for the fact that our relationship lacks romance.

I want her to live like a princess when we get married. I am even willing to learn cooking and do all the household chores so that she wouldnt have to do a thing at home. I want her to have the best life possible. I dont think that could love anyone the way i love her ever and its even more weird because i really dont know why i am so obsessed about her and love her this much. I mean when we have good times i feel on top of the world, and when she is upset with me for even one day or one hour for that matter, i lose interest in everything else in life. Work, food, workout, sleep my friends everything. And trust me, we dont have problems about anything else except the romance and sex part, because i ensure and almost constantly think not to upset her with anything else in life.

Even she is aware of the fact and she knows that she loves that i am the best possible match for her, except for sex.

So i ask you. I am ready to do anything for her and lose anything for her except her. If the love i have for her is not "romance", then what is?

Do you mean to say that romance exists somewhere in between love and lust?

I am very confident that i could have a normal sex life her. The reason i say this is because, though i said i dont lust her, i do enjoy it a lot when i have sex with her. But she just could not scratch out that feeling of me not being sexually interested in her. She does try, but honestly when we are sexually intimate she keeps thinking that I have sex with her just to pretend that i find her hot and to keep the relationship true.

And for the same reason she wouldn let me touch her also at times and quite frankly thought it should hurt me a lot (if i have the hots for her just physically) it doesnt as much as it is supposed to.


Also there is one another thing that i want to confess at this point. I used to watch porn, and do online cyber sex chat when i was in my teens just like any other normal guy at that age would do. I was not in my hometown for almost 3 years because of work and i was living with my flatmates, and i dint have an internet connectivity (well! didnt needed one at that point because i dint even a computer of my own since i was staying away from home). Anyways, i moved back to my hometown almost an year ago, and though i do love her a lot and felt terrible for the things that ve been goin in our relationship, i started doing online sex chat again.

Quite frankly i would never get into a physical relationship with someone other than my girlfriend not just because i love her but also because it goes against everything i believe about true love and also partially because i am scared. But i just clung on to online sex chat as i though since its not real i wouldn hurt anyone and also keep my mind sexually at ease.

She found out once eventually. But the thing that shatters me the most and even make me feel like crying when i say this, is not that she found out that i was doing cyber sex but the fact that she did not seem to take it seriously at all. I mean thats the kind of person she is. She would never want to take away anyone's independence even if its her lover's. And this in one attribute of hers that made me fall for her in the first place. When i am around her she would want me to be myself.

This changed my perspective a lot and i did stay off cyber sex for while before i started doing it again. This time also she found out and and that just happened yesterday. She still talks to me but its is evident that is avoiding me. She is giving me the stone wall. i dono what i am suppiosed to do. I am clearly losing it. Just like what threebyfate adviced i am planning to stay off the porn. I mean she is so perfect in almost every way that i cant think on any reason why i should come to peace with myself if she ever decides to break things up with me.

I want to make this work and i certainly want to marry her, have kids with her and grow old with her but i am scared its not gonna happen. Though it may sound a little too cliche, if things end between us, i could never love someone again. I keep saying this to her but she would just think i am being dramatic but i know better about myself and i know there must be people out there who know exactly what they mean.

I have the most perfect girlfriend, and the most perfect relationship(except for the hickups that been going on) but deep down below i think its all gonna fall into the ocean very soon if we dont fix it. Problem is i am willing to do anything it takes to fix our sex life.

But i cant blame her either. Being a guy i wouldnt understand how girls would think but i believe for women, once they know the magic is gone its just gone. Anything other problem can be fixed but i doubt that this could be. She tries but i think i am putting too much pressure on her.

I feel alive after all these years because finally i am able to open up to someone with exactly what i have in mind without having to sugercoat it or anything. Appreciate the advice. Honestly at his point its the only thing i look for. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

[ammi00]

In the beginning you said that you are STILL both virgins, and right after you said that you do have sex with her once in a while, but you don't enjoy it.
Without trying to offend you, I think you need professional help (like a couple & sex therapist). A normal sexual life is very important, and the lack of it can destroy all kind of other nice things you two share.

[retro]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have made it very clear that we are still virgins because we perform everything there is to sex except intercourse.

"I am very confident that i could have a normal sex life her. The reason i say this is because, though i said i dont lust her, i do enjoy it a lot when i have sex with her. But she just could not scratch out that feeling of me not being sexually interested in her.

I said i do enjoy sex with her and not Dont. Like you said i feel that therapy will help us out, but i am afraid that it might destroy the relationship further because i feel that she may think that it would squeeze out the little magic thats left in out relationship.

[retro]

At this point i would also like to confess one more thing about me so that any advice that you give wont be biassed towards my side. When i said i did cyber, i had a small thing for roleplay and some mild BDSM games. I mean this was just a fantasy for me and my intention was strictly to keep it a fantasy in the online world. I never ever imagined to have that lifestyle incorporated into our sex life.

Where i am from this may be a relatively new topic (BDSM etc) but i am pretty sure that around the world men have such fantasies all alone. On knowing this she now thinks that i am a pervert and that i am a submissive by nature. I really dont understand how on earth i could explain to her that it was nothing more than a fantasy, but i couldn help feeling guilty for letting a mere online sexual fantasy ruin a thing as beautiful and big as my relationship. At the same time i also couldnt help thinking that all the men out there have one fantasy or the other but it all stays within their head
and that shouldnt get in the way unless i force her to play my fantasies.

(I have never done that and i ll never do that the woman i love ever)

This will be one more opinion about me that will be etched on her mind forever and right now i am really really really scared that things are going to end bad pretty soon. I cant even imagine a life without her in it.

[ammi00]

It took me a while to find where to reply, because you posted and re-posted this all over
Anyway... In my opinion, your views about sex are not healthy and not normal. There's something wrong about how you perceive her, this relationship and sex. In a normal couple, you should be attracted and interested in each other, and share your fantasies. Of course, there are times when one's libido might decrease (because of stress, troubles, health problems etc.) but this isn't your case.
As a female, I'd feel bad if I were her. Probably she's upset because she knows that you don't really want her, maybe she isn't that pleasured either, plus that she knows about your online chatting (and imagines that you don't want her, but you want others).
You say that you have some BDSM fantasies, but you would never do something like that to the woman you love. I've met guys that were saying something like "oh, I don't want my girlfriend to suck my co*k, because she's my gf and not a w*ore". Personally, I believe this mentality is wrong. I'm not saying that you should force your partner into doing something they dislike, but you should share your fantasies, and explore sexual things together, especially because you're a couple - and being sexually intimate will help your non-sexual relationship as well.
SM fantasies are pretty common, both among women & men... from some soft SM to some hardcore one. There are couples that experiment both types, and they find pleasure in doing this together.
I'm maintaining my opinion - you should both go to see a therapist. By discussing and facing things, probably you'll solve your problems, and this relationship will have a future. Maybe she has her problems too, and fears. You could tell her that you sense something isn't quite right, and that you think some professional help will come in handy.

[retro]

thank you so much for your reply. To you this might just be a reply to some post in some forum but to means everything and more because at this point i feel so lonely and depressed because my girlfriend has stopped talking to me and my best friend is out of the country. I really was looking for someone to pour out my heart to and i really appreciate that you too the time to read my post and reply. Thanks a million. Even in this time of pain i feel very happy that there kind people like you who give imp to others problems. thanks again.