My gf and i have problems

[craigstapp]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 11 months. It was going well for about 7 of those months. She's got depression and anxiety and I have always been there to try and help her through it and hug her when she needed. Most days i get text messages like "i am completely miserable..." or things similar and it's just really making me sick. I called her and said i think we need to take a break a few months ago and she was very upset and screamed (completely understandable) and said a lot of nasty things to me along the lines of "i hate you" and then called and apologized and accepted us just being friends for awhile. When she apologized, i was surprised how much she understood. The biggest problem we were having that caused me to want to take a break was that she couldn't stand one day without me and i never had a moment to myself...and within 5 months she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and proceeded to talk about how great it will be when we're married etc. I'm not anywhere near ready for marriage yet, and i need my time alone...it keeps me sane. Anyway, after we were friends for a few days we decided to get back together, but now she is the same again and i am honest with her, though not always a man of many words. However, she asked me if there was something I wasn't telling her yesterday and I said "no" and then she asked a couple more times while we were together yesterday and my answer was the same...and then she text me and said "i still feel like you're not telling me something" and i said "i seriously am not not telling you something" and then she text that she wanted to "fade away and disappear" and that we I had communication issues that I don't like to address. She always seems to put the blame on me about communication issues and brngs it up maybe once a month. A couple times a month i will have hung out with her and go home and she will text and say things like "i feel so distant from you..." and even when we're together. Among other things, she is easily irritated by little things, reads into things i do too much, and doesn't even seem to care about how all of these things affect me even when i bring it up. When I do bring up a problem she reverts to when i wanted to take a break with her and says "well, it's hard for me to trust you won't up and abandon me again" or says "i have never abandoned you the way you abandoned me". Unfortunately she is very anxious and depressed and never likes to be alone...and I feel really bad for her about that, but her telling me how miserable she is all the time really affects me too and my stomach gets so nervous hearing those things from her that i wish I'd never met her sometimes, which i'm sorry to say. It's difficult to break up with her because her last 3 years have been filled with pain and abandonment (her dead cheated on her mother among other things) and she fully expects i will "abandon" her too. What do i do? How do I talk to her? How would I break up with her? I really considered leaving to Canada with no trace just so i could escape today, which is just funny now that i think about it.

She's sent me 15 texts saying things like "when i want to talk about our problems i'm the bad guy" and " i guess i'm a bitch for pointing that out" about stuff....and she's talking about how a relationship is a two way street and i don't try. But the facts are that I hang out with her a bunch of times a week (i like to have a couple more days to myself to recharge my batteries, but i've changed me lifestyle for her), talking to her about problems, being open when I have a problem, I went to her grandma's to visit 3 hours away when she asked me less than a day before she went, i tell her i'm there when she needs me, i invite her to church, she invited me to a bible study that wasn't at my church but she said she wanted someone there she knew so she could be comfortable and i agreed, i helped her move, i've bought her several dinners and pay for us usually, i tell her i love her, give her back massages a few times a week, treat her dog well and take her dog out when she doesn't feel like it, watch romantic movies i'm not too interested in with her all the time, i always ask her opinion and what she wants, I pray with her, agreed to play soccer with her (my least favorite sport), and i don't get mad when she gets irritated over almost any little thing, i've told her several times that if she ever has problems with anything or anyone she can trust me to handle it if she's uncomfortable with it, i always offer my bed when she stays over and say that i will sleep on the couch (even when i don't have extra sheets), i encourage her to go back to school when she talks about it. The list really does go on, and she thinks i don't try.

Also, I've apologized several times for "abandoning" her, and she wants a promise that I will never leave her. I tell her I'm an idiot about stuff and i don't make excuses. There were a lot of other reasons I wanted to take a break, I was flattered she wanted to marry me and have kids with me, but I wasn't ready for that. I didn't break up with her mostly because of that.

There are two sides of course and I am not the perfect boyfriend. I've never hit her of course, never get cross with her (only once or twice), always support her and trust her...I'm not great at phrasing things though and saying things in a way that isn't direct and plain, which can be pretty hurtful. She's hard to talk to anymore. I also have a phone anxiety, don't know why, but I just get so nervous about calling, though i still call her. She gets pretty upset about when i hang out with her 4 or 5 times in a week and don't call her the days that i'm not w/ her sometimes. Honestly, i just feel like those days i need a bit of an escape, as bad as that sounds.

Please help!!

[xxazurexx]

How do you know she is depressed and has anxiety?
Has she been diagnosed as being both of these things? On medication for this?

Or are these the excuses she will merely use, which explain away why she is so insecure, needy and clingy....and her reason for having NO life of her own

[Kelsey777]

Codependent Personalities cling to others as means for happiness. I guarantee your girlfriend is codependent because I am and I know all the symptoms. I would recommend getting out and staying out of the relationship, unless she seeks therapy. At the moment you are her entire happiness and every single thing you do effects her. If you are gone for a day she feels, "abandoned." Feelings of abandonment also go with codependents.
Another major thing about her and other codependents is they like to try to fix people to how they think they should be. That is why she always seems to have a problem with you...because she's unconsciously trying to force you into an image of the perfect that does not exist. At times you might be happy because you feel needed, but it is very very hard to maintain a relationship with someone with our illness.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now, and I go to counseling and try to work on my problems. We have had a lot of issues, because of my disorder, and if you stay with her you will be in for a lot of drama. You have to really truly love her, and she has to acknowledge she has a problem and take action, else the relationship is doomed.
If you dont take action:
You wont be able to have friends
She'll threaten to kill herself when you fight
shell constantly nag you on what you can do better
you will feel guilty about taking time for yourself etc

I am sure she doesn't mean to be that way. I never meant to be codependent either, and its extremely hard to fight the tendencies to be that way. One or both her parents may have been overly critical and/or abusive, but no matter what the cause is she needs help, or she will never have a real relationship. It's up to you if you want to stick with her. Really push her to get help. Im glad my boyfriend has stood by me all this time.

[Kelsey777]

look up more on the disorder as well, I gave you a very very brief overview of the disorder.

[craigstapp]

Thanks, that's really helpful. the Codependent thing sounds spot on. Since then she's sent me 40 plus texts in less than a day and called the phone about 40 times and i haven't answered because the texts are very judgmental at times, but also sometimes normal understanding texts. she even drove to my apartment and i left and my roommate talked to her. I'm thinking maybe it would be better if I never talk to her or text her again because last time i tried to break up she got very unstable and sent a lot of hate texts, puked and would not let me go...it's understandable for her to be hurt, but i really wonder if just cutting myself off would be better for her and easier for her. It would be for me, of course, but I don't know... I don't feel like I've been treated with enough respect lately (except some of the texts treated me with respect lately) for me to think she deserves a call or text from me now. I don't want to be like a rag doll anymore to her.

[Kelsey777]

You two haven't been together very long, and you are both still very young. I don't think it would be worth your while to stay involved. It takes a lot of time to control a personality disorder like that, and I am still working to do so in my case. I would suggest being clear and concise. Tell her she has a codependent personality and she needs help, and until she gets help, you don't want to be involved with her.
Also, I think the mix of good texts and bad texts is her taking a tantrum. Codependents desperately seek praise and attention from the objects of their affections. So to her you are a reflection of her. So if you arent responding to her, if your not articulating your feelings the way she sees fit, thats all a reflection of her. And she has no self esteem, so however you make her feel, thats how she feels about herself. That is not love. She needs to love herself and love you exactly as you are. At this juncture in her life she cannot do that.

[craigstapp]

What would be the best method to break it off?

[Gigabitch]

Does she do any of the work in this relationship? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe you should start doing only half the work, and she'll dump you for "not caring".

[Kelsey777]

I would suggest being direct. Tell her you cannot handle her mental issues, and be gentle about it. Suggest she seek counseling, and tell her you'll see about having a relationship again after she gets it. Then if she tries texting and throwing a tantrum you have every right to ignore her.