Scared to End my 4 year marriage to a manipulator

[datura]

Hi all, I have just registered on this forum although I have been reading it for a few months now..

I finally had the courage to speak out about my current situation.
I have been married now for 4 years to this man who was born in africa.
We firt started dating in 2000, after 4 months dating we decided to marry because he discovered the awful truth that he was not accepted as an american citizen so I accepted to marry him to give him citizenship and because we were so in love.

The government has been giving us alot of trouble, delaying everything, we finally got word 6 months ago that he would be accepted as a citizen if I were to be financially responsible of him for 3 years. I was like FINNALLY.
The whole thing was suppose to last only 3 months, it lasted 3 years till we got an answer..

All the while my husband has changed drastically over the past 2 years, having on and off jobs, never paying rent, nor bills, he claimed he was making too little money to help me.
Over the past year, things have been getting very bad.
He didn't pay a single cent for anything. (litteraly!)
He has been sleeping at our house on and off, maybe 4 times a week, and when he gets up in the morning he leaves right after, saying he is going to the gym.

Anyway, I basically dont consider him my husband anymore.
I was raised in a family where my parents love themselves so much, theyre like siamese, theyre still married after 35 years, my mother has always been the one working, and my father taking care of the kids.

My husband though is a complete jerk, I even found like 30 girls numbers in his cell phone, I have called a few and they all claimed to have met in different places and they gave him their number.

I know he is cheating on me..

The reason why I cant leave him is because I am scared that I will have to move out, leave him to pay the rent here, alone, or if he leaves also, the landlord will be so mad, etc..

I will have bad references for future appartment landlords and so on, there is also the divorce situation, I cant divorce until he is oficially a citizen because since I am responsible of him he will be rejected and return to his country because of me and that will be unbearable.

I am scared also that I will have to face the world as an independant person..

However I have been living quite alone these past years.
We are intimate once every 6 months. I'm 27 and have the feeling I am wasting my life.

I was without a job for the past 4 months and thank God I have found a job and I will be starting this week..

I lack self respect and maybe courage, I dont blame him for his constant verbal abuse, It is my own fault if all this happened..

I want you guys advice on this situation, maybe some words of encouragement, I fell I live in a cage and cant get out.

I hate my life right now, and I'm just surviving, I am totally depressed and scared.

thanks for reading the story of my pitiful life..

[Fawn]

No offence,

but Hell I'd divorce him now to make sure he was deported. He sounds like an awful person. Cheating, Using you for your money, etc. Your 27, still young and able to experience the world and other men around you. Experience true love and not just this false realization thats in your current marriage.

Sure there is guilt but he deserves a whole shit load of crap for what he's doing. Hell, who would want this jerk to become a citizen if he's going to forever be around to take advantage of you and take your money.

[Cybog]

We firt started dating in 2000, after 4 months dating we decided to marry because he discovered the awful truth that he was not accepted as an american citizen so I accepted to marry him to give him citizenship and because we were so in love.

Bad move to start. Guess how many immagrants a year will manipulate their way into this country to get away from the crummy situation they are in overseas? 4 months was waaaaay to short of a time to begin with.

that he would be accepted as a citizen if I were to be financially responsible of him for 3 years.

So, you agreed to be his babysitter by law for 3 years? What happens if you tell them that you dont want to do it anymore?

All the while my husband has changed drastically over the past 2 years, having on and off jobs, never paying rent, nor bills, he claimed he was making too little money to help me.

Over the past year, things have been getting very bad.
He didn't pay a single cent for anything. (litteraly!)
He has been sleeping at our house on and off, maybe 4 times a week, and when he gets up in the morning he leaves right after, saying he is going to the gym.

Anyway, I basically dont consider him my husband anymore.
I was raised in a family where my parents love themselves so much, theyre like siamese, theyre still married after 35 years, my mother has always been the one working, and my father taking care of the kids.

My husband though is a complete jerk, I even found like 30 girls numbers in his cell phone, I have called a few and they all claimed to have met in different places and they gave him their number.

I know he is cheating on me..

Red flags galore. This is a sinking ship obviously.

The reason why I cant leave him is because I am scared that I will have to move out, leave him to pay the rent here, alone, or if he leaves also, the landlord will be so mad, etc..

I will have bad references for future appartment landlords and so on,

Sad, sad excuses. You need to talk to your landlord about kicking him out, talk to whomever this "government agency" is about getting him removed from your wedlock, and away from you 110%. Your landlord can and will work with you in this situation.

I cant divorce until he is oficially a citizen because since I am responsible of him he will be rejected and return to his country because of me and that will be unbearable.

Ok....so...having him returned to his country and being deported is unbearable, but paying a cheating liar's way as you feed and cloth him while he takes advantage of you and ****s other women is "acceptable"?

Come on lady. Think about this.

However I have been living quite alone these past years.
We are intimate once every 6 months. I'm 27 and have the feeling I am wasting my life.

Guess what - You are. Ditch this loser and get on with your life! It was obviously a bad mistake, but you need to take action NOW before it gets worse! It's not about what you did in the past - It's about what you have learned from this and are going to do about it.

I lack self respect and maybe courage, I dont blame him for his constant verbal abuse, It is my own fault if all this happened..

Again...more excuses you are making for yourself. The only thing you need to blame yourself for is if you let this go on. There is absolutely no leg that he has to stand on to be abusive towards you. This is also uncalled for.

I hate my life right now, and I'm just surviving, I am totally depressed and scared.

Scared of what? Punt this guy into the next timezone and then wash your hands of this situation. Only then can you get your life back on track.

thanks for reading the story of my pitiful life..

At least you are making the effort (somewhat) to FIX your life. Think about where you might be in 2 years. Or, think about where you will be at the end of this 3 year charade when he is able to get citizenship and then he leaves you. Or think about where you are going to be when the physical violence starts.

You really, really need to call the legal people and tell them about what is going on. When they find out he is a scumbag just looking to cheat on you and use you, and that you do not want any part of him, they will deport his lazy ass faster than you can say Aborigine.

Or, you can sit around and do nothing while things get worse. Do not let that happen...because trust me, they will.

[Illusional]

...what can i say that already hasn't been said?? here's a metaphor for the sinking ship line. remember the titanic?? everyone wanted to get on that ship because it was supposed to be the perfect unsinkable ship. now remember how everyone was dying to get off of that ship when it was about to sink?? they didn't care about the next person, or how much money they had. they just wanted off. you have to start looking out for YOURSELF, and quit worrying about the future. true, the future will come weather you want it to or not, but it's how you deal with it. face it worrying, and you'll only have more problems. face the future with answers that you want to follow and you'll realize that you're a much stronger person. SO WHAT if your husband gets deported?? is that your problem?? hell no. he doesn't give a shit about you so why should you give a shit about him?? oh i know, you feel bad because he'll have no place to live and you'll have a bad rep right?? well... move back in with you parents for one, they will be willing to support you. secondly, do you really care for him that much?? he's wasted the last 3 years of your life leaching off of you. it's time for you to cut the plug. raverboy

[Anthony]

I believe that you've been more than fair to him, and that he should appreciate that you've been supportive of him for this long. If he needs to be responsible for himself and pay rent bills, that's his responsibility, not yours. Although it might be regrettable, if he's deported because of his poorly chosen actions, it's no one's fault but his own.

[Cybog]

I wish this person would give us an update :/

[KaWaiiSkYe]

Yeah. Isn't she gonna update? Or has she read it already and done what there is to be done?! Ahhh!

[Anthony]

We can always imagine the best and assume she left him...

[Little one]

You gave her excellent advise. I hope you have some for me