I was born and raised in another country and back in the day I had a boyfriend over there, let's call him "R". We were both 15 years old and very in love with each other. I was his girlfriend for 2 years and regardless our differences I was crazy for him we both knew that it really wasn't some puppy love, you know he truly was my soul mate and somehow we completed each other in a way that at times made me afraid of losing my own independence and self identity; I knew I loved him but I was scared that he literally meant the world to me; I thought that this feelings couldn't be right or safe, not when you're 15 and already acting like some old fashioned married couple.

So when we graduated high school at 16 in 2006, I got the opportunity to move to the US in hope to continue my studies and while I was trying to make this decision R was the main reason I had to stay in my country. I still loved him with all my heart but I thought it was unacceptable to turn down the opportunity of a successful future for a boy, and I would not forgive myself if I ever blamed him of such. Dumping R is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and he was so angry at me for doing it, he even tried to convince me to continue our relationship regardless the distance between us but I knew in my guts that a long distance relationship could and would destroy us both, so I decided to apologize with the longest email ever written and then cut any contact completely like a band aid, just to make it a little easier for him and myself, though the pain and ordeal I went through after I lost him, well it is beyond words. I couldn't bring myself to erase him completely from my life even today I treasure each of his letters and pictures of us together, and yes I know it doesn't help much but I just couldn't so they're still tucked up somewhere in my closet. Eventually I have managed to deal with it, always hoping that time will make it better; instead of moping around I became obsessed in learning and polishing my English skills, I also focused on my studies and then my job, met great people whom are now my friends and at some point even tried dating (2 times) just to realize that I wasn't over R at all, so that didn't work.

I know he's had girlfriends and I know he's almost done with college now, I mean 5 years have passed, we still don't talk and I don't think he's forgiven me yet, maybe I had come to terms with the fact that I lost him forever though I still miss him today as much as I did in 2006. The reason why now I'm reaching for advise is because a week ago I got a friend request on facebook and it was his, I didn't think twice and replied then we started chatting, no longer than 4 lines and it was all small talk, but just knowing that we talked it really made my day, if not the month.

Talking to him, looking at his pictures made me realize that I want him back in my life so bad! but at the same time I really have no clue of what to do or say, hell I don't even know if he is still the person I fell for! I know I won't go back to my country but I also know that I can't ask him to move with me leaving behind his friends, family and career I'm not selfish enough to do that. and for once in my life I don't have a thoughtful answer for what I'm feeling. So I would be really grateful if you try and give me the most honest advice, and if you tell me I'm a crazy evil witch and to leave R alone I swear I won't mind, but thanks anyway.


yours truly,
Dee