guys -please tell me why my ex keeps getting in touch?!

[little d]

hi -any input on this situation would be appreciated -especially from you guys out there:

my ex and i met when i was a junior in college and he was a freshman. we dated for a wonderful school year, were very close and all was fine. we kept in touch over the summer through letters and phone calls as we resided in different states.

the next academic year, our first day back on campus, he broke up with me (unexpected). the following school year was a mess as we would ocassionally sleep together (he would hover around near my dorm room, or come by...i never initiated but did go along as i was confused and hoped he still liked me) and i still had feelings for him but were still broken up. the times we saw each other, we slept together...never spent time together in any other way.

then i graduated (he left a voice mail message congratulating me and saying goodbye) and went on with my life. we did not stay in touch. i did think about him a lot.

three years later, he calls out of the blue and says he wants to see how i'm doing, etc. and that he will be in town. we hung out, but it was strange as we met back at our old campus and many of his friends (whom i never knew) were around and we wound up going to lunch with a couple. it was nerve wracking. following, we drove up to the mountains and made small talk for a few hours. for a year we e-mailed back and forth and were getting somewhere -starting fresh. he apologized for the past and i began to see him for the person he had grown and changed into.

then i left the country. i met someone shortly after and discontinued contact with me ex. i never stay in touch with past-flames and don't really see the point ...of course all ended badly so why would i want to...and the only reason i see to stay in touch is if i still have feelings and am hoping for a reconciliation or second attempt. anyway, for those reasons and out of respect for the new guy in my life, i cut communications. i did still think think about him and felt badly for disappearing without some kind of explanation

a year and a half later, the latest relationship self destructs, and whatdya know, at the most perfec timing imaginable, my ex e-mails me out of the blue.

what i want to know is...after all that rambling up there...is, why is he getting in touch...when i asked, he said it's because he learned a lot from the time -really vague answer ...i guess we need to correspond some more before i can ask again and get him to be more specific...i just don't imagine someone getting in touch with an ex if they are currently dating someone...so i'm guessing it's safe to believe he's single...i am hoping that he gets in touch because he still cares about me and hopes to somehow have things work a second time (i know this is someone i'll never get over) ...in the last five years, he's gone out of his way twice, to initiate contact with me ...so whatdya think?

why do guys get in touch with their exes?

i just want to know so i can decide whether to stay in touch or end things forever.

[Justinfirelake]

The guy has changed

[Zekk_T_Strife]

That was really profound justin. If other guys are anything like me, this is what I think is going through his head. He's moving on, just as you are, but in his case when something fails he runs back to something he knows won't disappear. He sees you as a comfort or as some ladies might think of it "a backup girl." Not in the sense that you have no life and he expects you to be his again on a whim. But he just feels that after failing at a relationship, maybe there could be something in re-igniting a flame from the past. In his mind what may be a longshot could be the only shot he has. He's not trying to bug you or get you to drop everything for him, he's just looking for something that works, something that doesn't explode in his face. That is if he's anything like me. He may just be a typical guy who wants some rebound sex after a breakup, but for some reason I doubt that in this case. I hope that helps.

[Justinfirelake]

We don't know the whole story.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

But we know enough to make a judgment, that's really all we can do on this forum.

[little d]

thanks guys -i appreciate it.

i agree that he has changed -he definitely sounds different (more mature, introspective, and intuitive)...actually, he seems to have changed a lot

it didn't occur to me that i might be his "backup girl" ...but it would make sense. (it's true that he's not after rebound sex ...especially since i'm still outside the country) hmmm, so when he has a failed relationship you think he thinks of me...like i do the same regarding him (but i think of him regardless)... it's a possibility. (in addition, our culture, religion, values, morals, ethics, interests, priorities, and families are completely compatible, which i'm pretty sure i can say was not the case for the both of us in other relationships ...in fact might have been the number one cause for failed relationships with everyone else... and during that year we were in contact (3 yrs post relationship), he said that he began to think about settling down, etc. ...when we had been dating, he never imagined wanting those things (serious, committed and caring long term relationship)...i guess at that time he thought he would be a single guy, able to live in a shack in the mountains on his own, showering and hiking and whatever, whenever he wanted to and in solitary ...i think that's why he broke up with me ...because he was getting too comfortable in our relationship, and cared deeply about me which scared him as it went against all that he wanted for himself ...of course, this is my psychoanalysis ...when we talked in the past, he alluded that the end of our relationship was brought on by his being young and immature (his words))

when you say that you don't know the whole story, what more would one need to know?

so this time, when he got in touch... i was in the middle of an awful breakup (so psycho that tv-movie people would not even consider using it as a story line ...lets just say that the guy i last dated (for a year and a half, first person i lived with and in the last coupla months, long distance) was a fraud/con-man/liar/cheater and i found all this out of the blue) so needless to say, i was agitated...the night that i got my exes e mail, i had gotten back from a party at friends (i was drunk... and said and asked things in my reply that i normally wouldn't have...so if he thought that i was something that "doesn't explode in his face", he musta been surprised, especially since i sounded nothing like myself and he knows i don't usually drink...i had said something about drinking) ...anyway, he wrote back sounding a little hurt and confused and i wrote a much nicer e mail apologizing and explaining and conversing like a normal human being, attempting to do some major damage control...and i did tell him that he caught me in the middle of the low point of a breakup and i displaced some irritiation onto him and was sorry) so now i'm waiting to hear back from him... i'm sure it will all get figured out over time... like i said before, we'd hafta re-build a rapport before figuring out what each other wants and why he gets in touch.

i'll keep you guys posted! ...once again thanks!

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Yes, I'd really like to know how things turn out.

[little d]

hi guys! just wanted to let you know that my ex and i have been in touch for a little bit -after my apology e, he wrote back twice before i could get back to him and was just so nice and funny. so we are on good terms (i was a little nervous after the things i said when i was drunk). anyway, i figure that i'm in no condition to begin dating anyone right now after what i've been through...plus my ex and i are located so far away from one another at the moment (in six months i'll be in a neighboring state however) so i'm just going to stay in touch and see how it goes and eventually ask him if he's ever thought about or wished for us to try again. for now it's just nice to be back in touch with someone i was best friends with in the past. thanks and goodluck to all of you -i hope you find the loves of your lives and are able to be with him/her and live happily ever after

[memrie]

Hey little d, I know its been months since your update, and I just recently joined this forum. I wrote a post yesterday that describes my situation with my ex... and from my position as the dumper as your ex did. If your still in touch, my post may be of some help.

http://www.loveforum.net/viewtopic.php?t=452

[little d]

hi guys! well, here i am a year later with an update, can you believe it?! august 2002 was my last post...

and now it's sept 2003!

so first off, , memrie, sorry it's taken me quite a while to get back to you! thank you for directing me to your post -it was interesting to read about a similar experience but from the other perspective. you sound like a wonderful guy and i hope your gal comes around soon (or has already). i hope everything is going wonderfully for you and would love to know how things turned out.

as for me and my college sweetie... i met someone in september 2002 ...so i tried once again to forget my ex ...in otherwords, i stopped our e mailing back and forth (as per the reasons mentioned in my first post) ...but that of course was unsuccesful as i still thought about him and felt horrible for disappearing yet again without explanation or apology.

the new guy and i became a long distance couple in january 2003 and it was apparent to me that although my then current beau said that he was crazy about me, wanted to marry me, have children and a future together, that he wasn't willing or able to put the time and effort into me and our bond. so, i sent an e mail to my ex wishing him happy birthday, and he wrote a short reply -thanking me and wishing me as well (our bdays are a few days apart).

shortly after, i called my then boyfriend out on his conflicting words and behavior -and at that time, it seemed that he was dedicated to making a change for the better, so i again stopped communicating with my ex. from february until june, even though i was silent, my ex sent e mails at least once a month, just saying hi and asking how i was.

finally, it was obvious that i had been prolonging the inevitable -that it was time to break up and move on. funny thing is, even though i care and am concerned for the last person i dated, i was relieved that it was over, and just hours later, took the opportunity to write my ex.

it was a short "hello -remember me?" type e, starting with an apology, then asking him how he was and what he was up to.

he wrote saying that he had been wondering if he'd ever hear from me again (so he had been thinking about me, right?) -and that he was really happy that i had written (yay! i'm guessing he had been hoping to hear from me!) he also let me know that he started grad school in another state.

my reply back was just catching up type stuff -he had asked what i had been up to in the time we had been out of contact. i also let him know that i would soon be moving to his part of the country. i let him know that i am proud of him, happy for him, and also thanked him for his encouragement and support while we were in undergrad together -other than my family, he was the only person to advise me to fulfill course requirements necessary to go down the path to professional school (which is where i am now) even though at that time i was unsure and ambivalent.

his next message was brief -he didn't sound like himself, but mentioned being tired and needing to go to sleep. before signing off he asked where i'd be and when i'd get there -which i took to mean that he'd like to see me if it was close enough and if possible.

i let him know that it would be nice if we could get together (we'll be only an hours drive away from each other) ...and when he wrote back, he agreed. he also kinda surprised me by explaining why he had sounded so low -turns out that he had just broken up with his girlfriend (kinda odd to think that he had dated someone else, but why wouldn't he have?! -it's been 6 years!) ...anyway, it occurred to me that even though he was in a relationship, and even though i hadn't been writing back, he had been tryingrepeatedly to initiate contact with me (which is what he had done in the past) -so that must account for something right?!

well, i wrote back today, here's an excerpt:
"i'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through some tough times. i wish it wasn't the case, and hope that you will be happy again soon ...even though you might feel miserable now, have faith that things always get better. i truly believe that everything happens for the best in the long run, and think it helpful to find reason or lessons in the painful moments that we all inevitably experience. please know that should you want or need someone to talk to ...for a shoulder to lean on, or to simply hang out and do nothing with together, i am here for you.

(college sweetie), we've known each other for about eight years. granted, our being in touch with one another has been completely sporadic since the time of our break up ...even though years sometimes go by, in which we have life impacting experiences and mature as a result of -i feel like we always pick up where we left off. each time we are back in touch, i find that all those wonderful qualities about you haven't changed at all -i still know you to be an amazing, compassionate, intelligent, fun, and beautiful man. you are one of the best people i have ever known. you deserve only the finest, and all the happiness life has to offer. like i said in my last e, i am certain that you will achieve whatever your heart desires ...it's just that sometimes it unfortunately takes unsuccessful trials and more time than anticipated. anyway, i am able to tell you from personal experience, that she lost someone truly special and that it will be difficult for her to find another as unique and as exquisite."

so i hope that wasn't too much info, but it's what i'm thinking and feeling and know that it might cheer him up to hear it. i'm excited because we might be hanging out as soon as two weeks from now. there are two topics that i want/should approach with him, but don't know if it appropriate and if so how to approach it...

the first is that i want him to know i feel about him ...i don't know if i should keep quiet for a little longer -afterall, he is going through some post break up sadness ...and then, when i do, should i ask if he's ever wondered what it would be like if we ever attempted to date again?... or would it be better to just say something to the effect of "i still have feelings for you and i think that we have so much in common and are more compatible that we had allowed ourselves to believe back then ...so if you agree and feel that way now or in the future... i would like to see what could happen with us..."?!

and then, regardless of whether we are going to be friends, a couple, whatever ...i kinda feel like there's some stuff he did and said, and even though it was so long ago ...it hurt me so deeply that i'm still carrying that around and feel like it's kind of hindering us and is a burden ...i hope he'll take responsibility for his actions then and the consequences now -to just hear me and know what happened and apologize ...because we had a great relationship, which was followed by this awful horrible damaging break up that came out of nowhere ... (at least for me ...not at all on his part i don't think ...cuz i kept how i was feeling from him and it wouldn't be surprising if he's absolultely clueless as a result of being kept in the dark) ...so i don't know if that would be odd to bring up now after so many years. maybe in a lighthearted manner... i don't know.

what do y'all think? does it sound like he's interested, does it sound like a good time for me to bring up this stuff with him, is our break up something that should be talked about only if we pursue a romantic relationship, or is it okay to bring up so the air is clear even if we are only going to be friends for now...? well, it would be great to hear what you have to say...

hope everyone is happy, healthy, safe, and lucky in love...

little d

[DuckyWucky]

Holy long post Batman!

I wish I was dating my ex again...

[justinemt2001]

good job. give the guy a chance to prove how he has changed. he sounds like a good guy. You have to understand that a piece of him will always love you and that is why he has actually cared enough to keep in touch. 8 years is a bit much for a "lovin Buddy", so it has to be something more