Long distance just got complicated and confusing . A love square?

[wheredowego]

Hi folks. I'm in a strange place right now and would appreciate any and all thoughts on my situation.

I'm 23 years old, and for more than three years, I've been dating an amazing girl, named J. I couldn't find a flaw with her if I tried, and our relationship has a very firm foundation. We're pretty serious and until recently, there were zero doubts about our long(er) term potential. Really, we're a very good match, and she's everything I could ask for or want.

So I wasn't too concerned when our relationship had to be long distance for a while. I've been living/working abroad for a few months (we're American, and I'm currently on the other side of the world), and will be for quite a few more. But we've managed the distance okay so far, we've adjusted, and I was planning to visit her in a few weeks (still am - it'll be the only time I see her until I return home for good).

There is another American, named B, living and working in the same city, through the same organization. She's the only American of the same age around for hundreds of miles, so naturally we've become pretty close over the past few months - cooking dinner together, traveling together on the weekends, generally hanging out. Honestly, I'd already call her one of my closest friends. No problem with that.

But things have taken a turn. We were strictly platonic at first, then our flirting was obvious but harmless, then we went on a weekend trip together and confessed mutual crushes on each other. Relatively out of the blue, and yet something about it felt inevitable. I don't know. We ended up in bed together, cuddling and kissing the whole night (but no more than that). (She is 22, and she has a long-term, long distance boyfriend herself.) Obviously, this is not okay behavior for people who are in relationships with other people.

The problem is, I think we've fallen pretty hard for each other. We can't deny our feelings for each other. And so we're both feeling guilty and confused and unsure of what to do. We're both in committed, loving, serious relationships, and yet we've developed these feelings for each other, too.

Is it just convenience? Is it just because we've all each other has got at the moment? Maybe. Yet she's pretty great, too. But I love J. But if I love J, how can I feel this way about B?

So I'm not sure what to do, I'm not sure why I feel this way or how I should feel, and I'm totally at a loss as to where to go from here. B and I talked about it the morning after, and we both felt guilty and agreed to tell our significant others what happened. We can't avoid each other (even if we stop hanging out, we will still regularly see each other professionally - and it's gonna be an extremely lonely year if we do stop hanging out).

Does anyone have any thoughts or comments? I'm just feeling very confused right now and would appreciate any outside input. Please let me know if there are other details I could provide that would be helpful. And thanks!

[devonbrown]

You can't help who you fall for, but you can control what you do. Even if your hookup with B. was just a matter of you two being lonely, you didn't think enough of your girlfriend to stop it from happening. The fact is that you cheated on your girlfriend and you have to accept the consequences of that action.

[HeartIsAching]

^^^What he said.

[Karmaandfate]

What happen is out of sight out of mind? I am in a long distance relationship so I know. The only time I see this work is with two below average looking or two really strong bond people. Nowadays, if you see them let me know. What you are doing is cheating as suggested above. I have never met anyone who admits that they've cheated to their significant others openly, espcially males. You have cheated for a reason. It's not lust or lonliness. No matter where you are, especially China, you could have that taken care of. Cheating is emotional thing not a physically thing. If you eat and pay, you do it for lonliness and release reasons. You don't think about it afterwards. In your circumstances, you think about it enough to come on here to ask for help. To me, you are at the point of no return. Either direction will damage someone including yourself. You have to take the choice with least damage. Both of you returning would hurt four people, confess or not confess. If you break up and be with the new one, at least you and her are happy and only two damage. I ran into this more than once as you might know. I got to be you and your current girlfriend. In the end, we can't stop what meant to be. You can stop and let go of the new one; but your thoughts will not rest. But taking the new one will have consequences. You can't be infedility and expect happiness with the new one. If you read all these forum, look at what is common...what goes around comes around. People might not believe in karma but the word was created for a reason. You are at the point of no return. You have to live like a drug dealer in constant paranoid. No one wants to cheat but life happens. Nobody likes to inflict pain on others or self but it happens, especially if you are good looking man or woman the chances of cheating is just a matter of time. Good luck with your new relationship. Like it or not it's happening; if not with this one, it will be someone else with different reasons other than lonliness. You only get to go around once, roll the dice...to live without regrets

[sadie_genie]

Tell your girlfriend and face the consequences. Get with the new girl. You two deserve each other.

[MMMSS]

I think loneliness can confuse our mind and our feelings. I think you like this girl, but you probably feel like you might have feelings for her, because you are pretty much alone over there and you keep each other company, so it is easy to confuse feelings. Yo haven't done anything that bad yet (i mean sleeping with her), so don't ruin something real and good that you have with your girlfriend, just for an infatuation or for someone you are idealizing, just because your actual situation may be confusing. Think about your grilfriend, and how you met, how it all started, how she makes you feel, think of all the good stuff and why you love her. And more importantly, respect her, and respect your relationship. Cheating is just bad, no matter how you feel, you chose not to break up, so try to respect your decision and see how amazing it will be when you go visit. And of course try to spend less time with this other girl, draw your boundaries, which is quite important when you are in a relationship.

[wheredowego]

What happen is out of sight out of mind? I am in a long distance relationship so I know. The only time I see this work is with two below average looking or two really strong bond people. Nowadays, if you see them let me know. What you are doing is cheating as suggested above. I have never met anyone who admits that they've cheated to their significant others openly, espcially males. You have cheated for a reason. It's not lust or lonliness. No matter where you are, especially China, you could have that taken care of. Cheating is emotional thing not a physically thing. If you eat and pay, you do it for lonliness and release reasons. You don't think about it afterwards. In your circumstances, you think about it enough to come on here to ask for help. To me, you are at the point of no return. Either direction will damage someone including yourself. You have to take the choice with least damage. Both of you returning would hurt four people, confess or not confess. If you break up and be with the new one, at least you and her are happy and only two damage. I ran into this more than once as you might know. I got to be you and your current girlfriend. In the end, we can't stop what meant to be. You can stop and let go of the new one; but your thoughts will not rest. But taking the new one will have consequences. You can't be infedility and expect happiness with the new one. If you read all these forum, look at what is common...what goes around comes around. People might not believe in karma but the word was created for a reason. You are at the point of no return. You have to live like a drug dealer in constant paranoid. No one wants to cheat but life happens. Nobody likes to inflict pain on others or self but it happens, especially if you are good looking man or woman the chances of cheating is just a matter of time. Good luck with your new relationship. Like it or not it's happening; if not with this one, it will be someone else with different reasons other than lonliness. You only get to go around once, roll the dice...to live without regrets

This has given me a lot to think about, thank you. Wise words. I think you're definitely right. One way or another, no matter what else happens, somebody will be hurt. I particularly liked your last bit of advice... "roll the dice."

I think loneliness can confuse our mind and our feelings. I think you like this girl, but you probably feel like you might have feelings for her, because you are pretty much alone over there and you keep each other company, so it is easy to confuse feelings. Yo haven't done anything that bad yet (i mean sleeping with her), so don't ruin something real and good that you have with your girlfriend, just for an infatuation or for someone you are idealizing, just because your actual situation may be confusing. Think about your grilfriend, and how you met, how it all started, how she makes you feel, think of all the good stuff and why you love her. And more importantly, respect her, and respect your relationship. Cheating is just bad, no matter how you feel, you chose not to break up, so try to respect your decision and see how amazing it will be when you go visit. And of course try to spend less time with this other girl, draw your boundaries, which is quite important when you are in a relationship.

This is very helpful too. Also good points.

I told my girlfriend what happened, and she was naturally very upset, but we did not break up. She was much more understanding than I expected. B told her boyfriend, too, and they didn't break up either. I am meeting B tonight to talk. We'll figure things out. That's all that remains, at this point - to figure out how we actually feel about one another, and what we're going to do.

Thanks all! Any other thoughts?

[searock]

Hi! The relationship I'm currently in actually started exactly as your relationship with this new girl. My current boyfriend was in a long distance relationship - he lived in the town I live in (still does) and his ex gf lived (still does) in another part of the country, flying distance from here. We became really close friends, eventually best friends, and have had an emotional affair for an year and a half, before finally deciding to break up with our ex partners and try dating each other. We waited a looong time because we were both in long term relationships (2.5 years for me, 5 years for him) and were VERY close to our exes. And since we were such good friends, we didn't want to risk ruining that. But in the end it was clear to me that my feelings for him were way too strong to be ignored - actually, the more I tried to fight them back, the stronger they got. So I eventually broke up with my ex, and in a month time he did the same, and we started dating. Now we're very happy. So I suggest that you really try and understand what you feel for this girl. It's crucially important that you know it. Once you realize it, what to do is obvious. There is no point in continuing a relationship with a person - as much as you may love her - if in the meantime you are in love with another person. It's not about love, it's about being in love. You obviously care a LOT for your girlfriend, but are you in love with her?

I also talked to my ex about my "crush" over my best friend (the guy I'm currently dating), and he also didn't want to break up. We only broke up months later (like 8 months later), because I couldn't stand the situation anymore. It would probably have been better (especially for my ex) to interrupt the relationship as soon as I was certain that I was in love with my best friend. So yeah, try not to make the same mistake and wait too long, because the longer you wait, the more confusing and painful it gets for everyone.

Anyway: does the "new" girl live close to you back in the US? I mean, is there a chance you'll be seeing her even once you go back home? If it's only a matter of a few months, and you are in love with your girlfriend hands down, then you might want to wait until the crush passes, or something. But then, if you keep thinking about this girl even when you return home, then you'll know it's pretty serious stuff.

Oh, btw, what you decide to do has nothing to do with what "new girl" decides to do. If you realize that you are in love with her, it means that your relationship with your girlfriend is not a healthy one, and you need to break up regardless of what "new girl" does.