Why do men talk about other women...??

[uniquess]

Looking for some insight here: why guys talk about other women to a woman they are with and like / love. A woman they are even pursuing for a serious relationship? It could be anything from describing the way an ex looked, to saying strong things about what "all men" like (i.e. breasts, certain ethnicities, etc). It's my feeling that when guys do this they're trying to send a message that the woman they're with isn't that important to him. That's fine, but when comments like these are consistently coming from a man who loves me and says he wants "forever" with me, well, I don't get it at all. Those are some serious mixed messages coming at me.

Basically, I am going to break up with him over this if I don't figure something else out.. because I can't tolerate it any longer, even though I love him and want to keep seeing him, I can't stand this lack of common courtesy. I don't like it because it makes me feel bad. He is constantly saying: this "beautiful woman" and that "beautiful woman" & on & on... and when I tell him it makes me feel bad I'm accused of being "insecure" and that I shouldn't be insecure because I'm beautiful. So it becomes something I'm supposed to "work on". Seriously? Why do I have to work on my self-esteem because some (insecure?) men like to alienate their dates? Or are just rude.

The guy I'm seeing refuses to acknowledge! that he even said the things he said, and/or says he was "joking". I'm like huh?!? What is this about??

[TheWizard]

Hmm this is going to vary from man to man.

For me I never do this, I understand that it puts the person I'm interested in at odds about how I feel about them, so I'm cautious never to bring it up. Having said that I definitely think these things in my head. He's just being a bit insensitive I think, especially since you have already told him your feelings about it and how it makes you feel.

It sounds like this is just how he is - some aspects can't be changed, and this one will take some work. It's almost like he's treating you like one of the guys... is the intimacy still passionate or are there other parts of the relationship you wish were a bit more.. fulfilling?

might provide some insight into something else

[fullorange]

I noticed my ex got really inflamed when I told her I thought some actor from a movie was pretty.. I thought it was a little ridiculous because it was an actor in particular. But If he keeps on referring to his ex`s in that way, then he is being very, just like The Wizard said, "insensitive."

My advice is to make sure he understands that he is being out of line. He`s most likely NOT joking, unless he has very dry, sarcastic nature. I`ve actually used the old, "Oh, I was just joking..." line quite a few times before. Sometimes there is no way around it. And if he uses that, then it should be regarded as him realizing it hurt your feelings and IS actually acknowledging it. The real problem, though, is if he keeps on using it...

Just my two cents.

[Carmen]

Honestly I think he does it bc he enjoys your reaction...he likes to make you jealous just bc it reasures him that u want him. I know it's wrong but, by reacting the way you do, you keep the cycle going. He'll only stop when you start ignoring his commentaries completely (no reaction what so ever) and stop giving him what he is searching for every time he does it (your attention).. So either you take the first step to fix it or end it with him. He will never stop doing it just because u ask...it's like you accidently trained him to get a reward (your reaction) every time he makes such comments. Now you have to train him by no longer rewarding such behavior. Be the one in control.. It may take a few times before he gets it but I think it'll work.

[lahnnabell]

I wouldn't want to be with someone so careless. This is a mild form of emotional abuse. Making you feel insecure because he's got insecurities is not acceptable behavior. You shouldn't tolerate it.

[kms]

Well, my SO is the same way. But then again, he also points out any good looking guys too - he seems to have no issues with gender whenever he sees an attractive person. It used to make me feel really bad, but then I realized that hey, I don't OWN beauty; I'm not the only 'attractive' person in the world. Obviously there are all kinds of attractive people, and instead of trying to control him and make him stop noticing and appreciating others, I should just enjoy it with him. I also realized that I felt bad about it mostly because I felt insecure about myself. Once I started having a more positive view of myself, I didn't care as much.

Now with that being said, I think that generally females are more sensitive to having their SOs pointing out other attractive women (simply because our society values women for their appearance), which makes us feel like we are therefore inferior because she managed to get his attention away from us. Western media would have us believe (and what has been drilled into our heads since birth via relentless advertising and media) that our sole worth is our physical appearance, so that's our only tool we have to compete with. So if another female manages to successfully attract his attention - she won. We're left with the realization that the one person who at least values what we have the most actually doesn't - he appreciates it in others too. That leaves us feeling insecure and unsure of ourselves regarding how he really feels about us. So, of course we'd be very sensitive about it if we feel it being unappreciated or unvalued or attacked in some way. Males need to have a little more awareness of the world around them and realize how very damaging it can be to a female to carelessly comment on other female's physical beauty.

[Carmen]

I don't think it is he who needs to be more 'aware' ..it is you who needs to be less insecure. Self confidence makes you a much more attractive/interesting and powerful person

[shheadz]

If you asked him to stop and he hasn't, then screw him. I can't imagine continuing to do something that makes my girlfriend uncomfortable. Especially when I know it makes her uncomfortable.

He seems a little immature. That's the kind of dumb stuff I did when I was 14 to get a rise out of my girlfriend. I'm a lot older now, and while women are still generally a mystery to me, I know not to ogle other women in front of them, or talk about how attractive other women are in front of them.

[uniquess]

Hmm this is going to vary from man to man.

For me I never do this, I understand that it puts the person I'm interested in at odds about how I feel about them, so I'm cautious never to bring it up. Having said that I definitely think these things in my head. He's just being a bit insensitive I think, especially since you have already told him your feelings about it and how it makes you feel.

It sounds like this is just how he is - some aspects can't be changed, and this one will take some work. It's almost like he's treating you like one of the guys... is the intimacy still passionate or are there other parts of the relationship you wish were a bit more.. fulfilling?

might provide some insight into something else

I like the way you put that - I understand that it puts the person I'm interested in at odds about how I feel about them. because that's exactly what it does for me. You're right i think it's just the way he is too. I think he learned somewhere along the way (maybe from his father) that this is just what men do.

To answer your question - yes the is plenty of passion between us.. more than I can handle sometimes

[uniquess]

I noticed my ex got really inflamed when I told her I thought some actor from a movie was pretty.. I thought it was a little ridiculous because it was an actor in particular. But If he keeps on referring to his ex`s in that way, then he is being very, just like The Wizard said, "insensitive."

That's the type of thing that can inflame me too.. even though it's just an actor on the screen, it's (in my mind) automatically a slight to me. That's not to say that one or two comments now & then would upset me, its more like if there's a high volume of such comments all the time I begin to feel bombarded by them, and then one little comment about an actor can be the last straw.

My advice is to make sure he understands that he is being out of line. He`s most likely NOT joking, unless he has very dry, sarcastic nature. I`ve actually used the old, "Oh, I was just joking..." line quite a few times before. Sometimes there is no way around it. And if he uses that, then it should be regarded as him realizing it hurt your feelings and IS actually acknowledging it. The real problem, though, is if he keeps on using it...

Just my two cents.

I still don't know whether or not he was joking. At the time it didn't feel like joking to me, even though he does have a dry sense of humor I usually get it because I do too. Your advice is good. And I see what you're saying about him acknowledging it by saying he was joking ( you mean he's downplaying it I think..?) Thanks for your thoughts..

[uniquess]

Honestly I think he does it bc he enjoys your reaction...he likes to make you jealous just bc it reasures him that u want him. I know it's wrong but, by reacting the way you do, you keep the cycle going. He'll only stop when you start ignoring his commentaries completely (no reaction what so ever) and stop giving him what he is searching for every time he does it (your attention).. So either you take the first step to fix it or end it with him. He will never stop doing it just because u ask...it's like you accidently trained him to get a reward (your reaction) every time he makes such comments. Now you have to train him by no longer rewarding such behavior. Be the one in control.. It may take a few times before he gets it but I think it'll work.

I completely agree with this: He will never stop doing it just because u ask...it's like you accidently trained him to get a reward (your reaction) every time he makes such comments. Now you have to train him by no longer rewarding such behavior. And your idea of not giving him what (reaction) he wants. That's non-verbal communication that I think may be a lot more effective than verbal - either asking him not to do it, or telling him how it makes me feel. The challenge to this for me will be how to be with him when my insides are tied in a knot..?

I just thought of something that totally proves your point: Whenever I would tell him I felt bad about stuff he says, he would say "well, at least it shows you care about me if you feel jealous" (his word, not mine). And then, the last time it happened he said it again and I said "well actually, that has nothing to do with it because I feel the same way when I'm on a first date with a guy I could care less about and he comments on other women - I just think it's rude. What you should be flattered about is that I've continued to see you in spite of all the comments". And he got really mad then..

[uniquess]

Well, my SO is the same way. But then again, he also points out any good looking guys too - he seems to have no issues with gender whenever he sees an attractive person. It used to make me feel really bad, but then I realized that hey, I don't OWN beauty; I'm not the only 'attractive' person in the world. Obviously there are all kinds of attractive people, and instead of trying to control him and make him stop noticing and appreciating others, I should just enjoy it with him. I also realized that I felt bad about it mostly because I felt insecure about myself. Once I started having a more positive view of myself, I didn't care as much.

Now with that being said, I think that generally females are more sensitive to having their SOs pointing out other attractive women (simply because our society values women for their appearance), which makes us feel like we are therefore inferior because she managed to get his attention away from us. Western media would have us believe (and what has been drilled into our heads since birth via relentless advertising and media) that our sole worth is our physical appearance, so that's our only tool we have to compete with. So if another female manages to successfully attract his attention - she won. We're left with the realization that the one person who at least values what we have the most actually doesn't - he appreciates it in others too. That leaves us feeling insecure and unsure of ourselves regarding how he really feels about us. So, of course we'd be very sensitive about it if we feel it being unappreciated or unvalued or attacked in some way. Males need to have a little more awareness of the world around them and realize how very damaging it can be to a female to carelessly comment on other female's physical beauty.

Western media would have us believe (and what has been drilled into our heads since birth via relentless advertising and media) that our sole worth is our physical appearance, so that's our only tool we have to compete with.

Wow very true. I would add that it has also been drilled into men's heads that women's sole worth is her physical appearance. Your comment cuts to the heart of the so-called insecurities we all face I think. Some men place such a high value on women's looks that he's uninterested, or unable to see any of her other attributes.

I guess what worries me in my situation today has a lot to do with this. I want to be with a man who wants to go deep with me, while appreciating my physical beauty, and if a man displays a tendency to be inordinately focussed on women's looks, I get turned off. I feel like.. what? If his main focus is looks.. he could easily get bored with me and move on to the next pretty woman. In other words, if his highest value is looks, it makes for an unstable long-term relationship.. ??


Thanks for your thought-provoking insights..

[uniquess]

I don't think it is he who needs to be more 'aware' ..it is you who needs to be less insecure. Self confidence makes you a much more attractive/interesting and powerful person

I agree. And I wish that I could snap my fingers and be the all-secure woman I know I could be in an ideal world. In fact I am a secure women left to my own devices.. it's only when I get around men who push my buttons that this stuff crops up. It's actually one of the things I hate about this whole scenario - feeling like I've given my power away - to let a man effect me so much. But how does a woman stay present and vulnerable with her man, unless she can trust him not to hurt her? No one is perfectly secure 100% of the time - we're human - we're evolving. I'm here to learn.. and this is part of my process. Maybe it's part of his too. I look at this whole thing as an opportunity to grow more into myself, whether that means reinforcing my current boundaries, or finding a comfortable work-around in order to accomodate the "insecurities" of a man.

I think self-confidence comes at least partly from self-knowledge. Where do you think it comes from.. or how do you think a woman should increase hers?

[uniquess]

If you asked him to stop and he hasn't, then screw him. I can't imagine continuing to do something that makes my girlfriend uncomfortable. Especially when I know it makes her uncomfortable.

He seems a little immature. That's the kind of dumb stuff I did when I was 14 to get a rise out of my girlfriend. I'm a lot older now, and while women are still generally a mystery to me, I know not to ogle other women in front of them, or talk about how attractive other women are in front of them.

Thanks for your comments. It's funny, some men seem to get it, or learn it from experience with women along the way, while others just don't. Are they being stubborn? Are they following their role-models from childhood (even though they don't work anymore - again stubborn)..? Are they just immaturely asserting their right to say whatever pops into their heads? I mean, it does seem to be a question of awareness - self-awareness. We all have many beliefs that we inherited from our parents/environment, etc that no longer serve us in a fruitful way, yet we stubbornly hold onto them because they are a confort zone - they are what we know. So I look at that aspect too.. how willing.. how open-minded is a man who refuses to look at his own side of a conflict?

[shheadz]

I mean, it does seem to be a question of awareness - self-awareness. We all have many beliefs that we inherited from our parents/environment, etc that no longer serve us in a fruitful way, yet we stubbornly hold onto them because they are a confort zone - they are what we know.

Honestly I think some people completely lack the power of introspection, or they're unable to act on their personal observations. They rarely if ever take the time to step back, and examine their life, the people in their life, how they're treating those people, where they're going in life, their personality flaws, etc.

Clearly introspection -- or self-awareness as you put it -- is an important part of personal growth. You can't change the flaws in your life (or yourself) until you're aware those flaws exist.

Your boyfriend will never stop acting like a child until he stops to think about how he's treating you, and that may never happen. Talking to him about it may not help either. It may take a shock to his system.. from you breaking up with him.. for him to finally stop and think about how he's been treating you, and how much you mean to him. Even then that might not happen. If he's really stubborn, and stuck in old belief systems, he'll just think you're a b*tch, and move onto the next girl.