As time passes by i am just getting used more and more to live with instead forgetting somethings..

Day after day I am waking up to find that the emptiness inside is greater and always harder to fight.
… I don’t really want to fight, no… all I want is PEACE within myself! Days of true emptiness have passed, nights of sadness have been slept, empty bed, with everything else, but her around my arms, no calls or messages on my phone… her absence is present… Day after day I am realizing that this is never gonna pass, night after night my soul aches stronger and stronger… If there was something I could say, anything I could say to myself… anything enough truthful to me, that will break me free from her love!!! … I can’t let her go, even though now I know it’s over.. Now I know the taste of sweet surrender, I once showered beneath those breezing waterfalls of hers made of love. Every second it passes by, her love grows colder and colder and I know it… and by every moment gone without her, my heart aches for her even stronger!
Literally, there is no day I wouldn’t think of her, actually, I think of her so often.. I cannot imagine a day to go by without the sweet teasing…
… I wish I could fix everything, I wish I could be the man she expected me to be.. I wish I could stay true to myself and I could honestly say to her that I love her, that I honestly love her even though when she doesn’t!
……..
Tonight after three and a half months I am unable to hold myself! I just had to say something to someone.. but instead, I write - writhing this is like talking to her- the only person that I could say anything that private. She was the closest thing I ever had in my life.. I miss her so much!
I have to say how I feel every night I go out. … …. …. Whenever i see attractive girl from a distance that match her hair and height.. my heart is going crazy as if i was a deer running the hill, stomping away from a cold blooded, steady handed hunter- I am expecting to see her, and I am praying that it’s just another girl… for if I see her, i know she will wait from me to say something! – but no, I don’t have anything to say to her, expect that I am really sorry for everything, and that I will always love her…
It’s just amazing how a day cannot pass without her spinning my head! Almost every good song awakens her voice in my head, every blonde attractive girl reminds me of her, whenever I look up on the watch she gave it a present for my birthday…everything that I find pleasant in this world reminds me of her- as yesterday that was the first cool summer night of this fall, a weather that really allowed my eyelids to rest for the first time after months – with my windows opened and I naked laying beneath the cool summer wind, that was softly waiving trough the exterior of my skin… I was all reminded of her womanly wet hands, so sensitive, her gentle touch, I remembered how they used to slip trough my back .. I remembered her passionate breath as the wind was blowing on my neck. I squeezed my pillow, just as I used to hug her.. but besides that, here was nothing but the cool wind blowing the hot air from my room, I miss her real hugs so much, beyond the explainable… and all I found in the pillow was just a strong remembrance of what we used to be. It may sound as something just as big as only called passion. But that is not the case! It is her soul that I am in love within, it is her heart that I miss so much, it’s her.. true colors within her heart.. it’s everything that it is sweet in her!! The ways she sees the world, the things she says, the way she moves, her beautiful mind… her face… her dark chestnut eyes… I can say am in love in her eyes, the way she looks, it just brings light in my darken heart… it used to bring me joy once…it showed me the path of joy and light once!.. AND THAT IS the only thing that drove me feeling truly alive! In fewer words said – she was the light, illuminating the path of my salvation.
I so much worship the night she said “I love you” to me… and those uttered words were not just ‘said’ letters in context for me, they meant everything to me ….. it felt like – YES I am ready to say – “this will be the day that I’ll day” – a feeling that every MAN should have when in love, it’s a blessing from the divine for every man, a savior for our sinful soul, relevance by right, relevance by light and love.
And whenever I got to hear her saying the words – I am not sure about you, I am not ready about you, I am not ready, I don’t know… that…. ….. IT TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME, it shuttered my world, it broke my dreams… … for a moment I allowed myself to feel loved, being helpless, the luxury of a man to let himself show his ‘weakness’… and that’s how we break contact.

I love so much things about her! As her intelligence, her face, her body … the way she laughs, the way she walks so graciously… (I could keep going in infinity now…).. and there are some negative things I don’t like generally, things like – egocentric persona that knows to emerge from time to time, a need for attention, recklessness in moments. But all that makes me feel sweet about her, as i wrote my quote once – imperfection makes life perfect – which meaning was consolidated by this very fact! Everything that I generally consider ‘negative’ in her is actually that makes her ‘sweet’ to my heart, that makes her perfect to me, as she is not perfect, as perfect she Is as a beautiful human being …. Love – I honestly wish my love would be on a higher level, where I wouldn’t need to feel being loved and to be able to be give it to someone so fairy like her in the same time, to cheer her up and protect, to love her and connect, without doubts, without expectations –I realize I am nothing but a ordinary every day man…. I need guidance, I need her guidance, I need her love :/ - I always wanted nothing more but that. :/
I believe there is nothing as important to “love” something or more precisely said, someone! As a whole, as something it exists in this world, as a person, with all negative and positive sides – just the way I feel about her…
… the late hours renders my exhausted body numb, and the whine that amplified my emotions tonight now it all does says to me is– I am sleeeepppyy—
I am being pressured to my bed by the late tick tocks, so … good night