She wants change

[catheaven]

So I recently got back together with my ex after 2 years of not seeing or talking to eachother at all. We met in high school when I was 14 or 15 and we lasted a whole year. That's quite some time when you're that young I'd say.
Things were good then because I really felt we were on the same level, I never felt that I ran out of means to please her then. It was all simple.

Now things are different, or she'd like them to be. Today she's 18 and I'm 17. Now she's obsessed with growing up. She won't stop labeling what I say and do as 'immature'. She calls my hobbies immature, my way of talking. She seems to worry about what people will think about her having a younger boyfriend. All her friends have got guys who are several years older, who have got cars of their own and apartments of their own. Suddenly these things matter to her. Now we've only been seeing eachother for two months but she's told me already there's something 'missing', but she can't tell me what. I know that she wasn't looking to get back in the same old relationship that we had when we were younger, she told me this herself. That's fine, I wanted a fresh start too. The problem is she's so desperate to let go of who we were. That won't be possible because we haven't changed at all!
When we're together we're still laughing about the same things we laughed about 2 years ago. Still kissing in the rain. I bring her popsicles and rub her back. It's almost like deja vú. What's interesting is she doesn't care about this when it's happening. It's like she loves to be with me even though we do the same old things, but when she gets home and on the phone she remembers that's not what she really wants. And she brings up ''maturity'' again. It's killing me. So how do I spice things up for her? Do I take her out to dinner, a surprise trip somewhere? I don't want to have to do these thing for her to like me. I just want her to be happy that we're back together and stop caring so much about the details.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[ConniptionFit]

You shouldn't have to jump through hoops for a girl to like you.

Find a girl who is actually into you and not who she thinks you are supposed to be.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Break up with her before she breaks up with you. As you can see, you don't really have the material things she desires now, and are probably a couple years off from that. Doesn't seem like she really cares about you. If she wants change, tell her to call Barack Obama.

[catheaven]

These are great pieces of advice, thanks. I already feel a little better actually. I do feel a lot of the time that she does not fully deserve me. Not because I'm all good, I'm not, but because she got a whole lot worse. And I'm starting to remember why it ended in the first place.
I've got to keep in mind that if she wasn't as good looking as she is I would have ended it by now. God, she's pretty. I take a fist full of psychic pain just for a kiss. Being that shallow isn't going to be healthy in the long run.
I also realized that because she's such a bitch most of the time, looking down at me and rolling her eyes at all I say, the few moments when she actually does show affection feel so damn sweet. And I feel I'm ready to forgive every insult when she finally lets me in. If anything that sounds like lack of self respect to me. I deserve to get the same amount of love back that I give to her.
I'll have to think about this for a few days though. There's time.

[VincenzoG91]

If she wants change, tell her to call Barack Obama.

Or send her out panhandling.

Just let go of her. Take the initiative and break up with her before she breaks up with you, so you can at least feel like you made the choice.

Relationships tend to be unstable at your age. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because it's a time of change and growth. For what it's worth, women tend to be attracted to guys who are slightly older than them. That's why all of her female friends are hooked up with guys who have their own cars and apartments. Nobody would reasonably expect you to have your own place at age 17, so you will be better off dating women your own age or slightly younger.

[Boisdevie]

Your relationship is not going to work so finish it. She wants seomeone with their own aparatment and car - she sounds like a very shallow materialistic person. Suiggest that she becomes a prostitute and you can be her pimp - then she can get an apartment and car

[IncognitoSir]

To be honest, I don't believe SHE wants a guy with a car, apartment, etc. Sounds like she wants what her friends have. Does she have all these things? Anyways, you are 17 and still growing, maturing, and learning about life just as she is. Don't change yourself for her, let change happen as it should.

[Cinnabella]

Sounds to me like she's comparing you to her friend's bf and is upset that you are not trying for the future maybe?

In any case, she sounds like not happy being together anymore. And you could try to talk to her one last time before break up. You two are still young anyway, and many things will change.

[catheaven]

To be honest, I don't believe SHE wants a guy with a car, apartment, etc. Sounds like she wants what her friends have. Does she have all these things? Anyways, you are 17 and still growing, maturing, and learning about life just as she is. Don't change yourself for her, let change happen as it should.

Well the things is she's never been with an older guy before (gee, I wonder why) and the way I get it, up until we started seeing eachother again her friends and her sister had been urging her that it was time for her to get into a relationship again and this time with someone with his own place, his own car (you can't drive until you're 18 in Sweden) and maybe even a job. When she talks about it it's like she sees all these possibilites. Like she'd feel more free with a guy who didn't live at home and who could go where he wanted with a wallet full of cash. That's the way it is for her friends and for her sister. She really sees herself as an adult since she turned 18. I don't. She told me once that she had been talking about me with her friends and one of them went all ''He's 17? I would never date a 17 year old lmao!'' and at one point when she was so mad she was about to break up with me she told me pretty much ''I don't think I want to be in a relationship right now. But if I'm going to be in one maybe it should be with an older, more mature guy''. Afterwards she told me that I needn't change though, I was good the way I was. Well she doesn't really make me feel like I'm good the way I am.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's your life, do what you want. Just expect a lot of "I told you so's" when she dumps you over some bullshit. I do think we learn the most when we learn the hard way, and I also think you'll survive and find another girl, so good luck.

[CJponay987]

I also realized that because she's such a bitch most of the time, looking down at me and rolling her eyes at all I say, the few moments when she actually does show affection feel so damn sweet. And I feel I'm ready to forgive every insult when she finally lets me in. If anything that sounds like lack of self respect to me. I deserve to get the same amount of love back that I give to her.

You're absolutely right. If she can't accept you for who you are, then you deserve much better. She probably is having trouble accepting herself as well. Once you turn 18 you don't all of a sudden drop your "immature" high school behavior - it just grows into more grown-up behavior. I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 27 and we goof around and act immature all of the time. That's because we all have children in us, and when we're with someone with whom we feel comfortable, we let that inner child show. Having someone roll their eyes at you every time you let your child out to play can be very difficult to deal with, and if you stay with her you'll just start censoring yourself around her, which isn't healthy in the least bit.

My advice - find someone who's not afraid to be themselves, and in turn they will be able to love you for who you are.

[catheaven]

Here's a funny thing. You were all right. She just broke up with me a minute ago.
She told me on MSN that she wanted to break up, from nowhere she just said it. I just sat there wondering if she was joking. I mean seriously, on MSN? And she's the one talking about mature.
She didn't answer when I asked her if she was being serious. So I tried to call her up on her cellphone. She answered but in a millisecond she hung up before I could even hear her breathe. I tried to call her again and she just put me on hold. So I called her house and her dad picked up, I asked to speak with her and I heard him calling her name, saying I'm on the phone for her. He laid the phone down on the stairs for her and I could hear her just picking it up and then turning it off. Classy.
20 attempts later she picked her cellphone up. She'd been crying. That was the strangest conversation I have ever, ever had. Every sentence I started she stole from me, she turned it around and shoved the words down my throat. She told me our relationship was ''pathetic''. Apparently we always fight. Apparantly I'm never jealous and I don't care when she's out with other guys (why should I be? I trust her) and still she called me immature and stupid for asking her about this 26 year old swiss guy she'd been hanging out with at Sweden Rock Festival this weekend. I asked if she liked him (sure looked like it in the photos on fb) and she got mad at me. So I can't be jealous, and at the same time I'm being too jealous. I'm being too controlling too she said. Asking her what she's up to all the time, that's not even true. Oh yeah we're pathetic it would seem.
She laughed at me when I asked why she couldn't do this on the phone to begin with, or eye to eye even saying well that wouldn't really work out since she never wants to see me again. She told me to go ahead and cry like I always do.
When I asked her how she could be so god damn heartless she wouldn't answer me for half an hour only to tell me how I'M being immature, she hung up on me telling me to **** off and never call her again.

I somehow got the feeling she was trying to make me mad, too. Try to make me say I dislike her in any way she can use against me. But I don't. I just turn the other cheek and I know she hates that. It makes her even angrier. I realize it's so much easier to leave someone in the dust of a big fight as opposed to sitting down and having a quiet talk about what's wrong and how it can't be solved. But it's not the fair thing to do.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't obsess over the breakup. You didn't do anything wrong, but if you waste time trying to win her back, you will eventually regret it. Just hold your head up high and move on.

[catheaven]

You're right. I think the advice and encouraging words you all gave somehow prepared me for this even though I hate to admit I didn't see this one coming at all.
We've been through this so many times before and I've always collapsed at her feet, begging. But I won't do that this time. I'm not even crying, that's got to mean something.

[IncognitoSir]

This needs to be archived, the entire thread. This ex of yours is so screwed up between what her friends have led her to believe is best for her and what she thinks is best for her.........aka she has no clue of what she wants and is too immature to learn more about herself to find out what she wants. Trust me man, you're much better off without her. Go be a 17 year old, no responsibility, lots of fun, and lots of girls. Everybody wants to grow up so damn fast these days, enjoy being 17, it only comes around once.