Help! I am a total wreck, desperately need advice after a confusing breakup

[precisi0n86]

Guys and gals I am desperately confused and need advice. Also, I'm a long time reader, first time poster.

After following my gut feeling and not my brain, I broke up with my girlfriend of 4 months today (in person, at a park). It was an on-the-day decision to break up, we had other plans the same day, but the time seemed right. I was expecting to feel relief after doing this, but now I now feel guilt, regret and I am missing her badly. We spent a good 2 hours at a park discussing the breakup as I thought it would help bring closure. Initially while talking I felt relief, like this was the right thing to do. After talking more, I realised or remembered how much she cared for me, and I started double thinking if breaking up was the right thing to do. I then started feeling guilty, I started feeling attraction and more caring for her, not wanting to let her go as she said through teary eyes that I was the nicest guy she had ever been with and she did not blame me for anything. After parting company, I felt so bad... horrible... like when I broke up with my ex-GF of 3 years. But this over a 4 month relationship... What the?

At the time we agreed to stay friends, but later that day sent me a text saying how she feels so strongly for me, and because of that if we remained friends it would not allow her to move on. That she would be deluding herself by doing so and would try to sneak her way back in. That I would always be a favorite of hers, but we should not stay friends. There was no bitterness in it, no coldness.

I called her up after getting this text as I couldn't stand not talking to her about it, which I probably shouldn't have done, and we pretty much continued on from where we were at the park. We ended up agreeing that we are confused, and could not go on simply being friends. She said that she still likes me a lot, in spite of all of this drama, and even wants the security of a cuddle from some one she has feelings from (i.e. me). She doesn't want to let go, and now I am not sure if I want to, where before I was very sure that while I liked her, she was not the one. Let's backtrack for a second...

So why am I breaking up with her? She didn't cheat on me, she was affectionate and caring. The problem was I found that her personality often makes me feel uneasy (she's very outgoing, dramatic, giggly, etc... a bit of a girl at heart. I'm a bit more reserved). This contrast of personality was something I was aware of early on, but the incompatibility ate away at me over time. I don't blame her for her personality or ask her to change it because I think she should be herself with me. Secondly, I also believe there are some committal issues at work, we broke up only a month ago for similar uncertain reasons. Before then, we had almost broken up twice. All in 4 months! But we kept stitching it together, blaming it on the stresses of uni which we both attended until recently, which really was stressful to an extent greater than that when my parents divorced. Regardless, I no longer know what I want.

I'm 24 and have been in more serious relationships before. This one has me totally confused. p.s. she's very good looking and we have a good sex life.

Please, give me some advice... Specifically:

1) Should I take her back (again) and try to make this work (again), and how, or
2) Should I confirm to her it's over, break off all contact?

Thanks for reading this!!

[girl68]

Don't take her back. Time will heal this. Just because she's sweet and caring doesn't mean you can live with her forever. If her personality bugs you, it will bug you more years down the road.

[liamchico]

Wow. that's a tough one. Well, be honest with her about what you're going through. see what she thinks. talk it out.
you still mean a lot to each other, and you could probably gain a lot from each others comfort.
I've noticed similar things. A few times, I tried to break up with my girlfriend because things were so hard, but whenever I got close I realized that while things are hard, they would be harder without her. You might have the same issue. I think the two of you need to talk about it. try being together tentatively for a while with the understanding that it may not last much longer. Sitting right on the edge, you might realize she means more to you than you thought.
"You don't know what you've got till it's gone..."
Best of luck.

[precisi0n86]

Thanks so much for your feedback. @liam I do get a lot from her comfort, but I also get a lot from the comfort from any one who is close to me that gives me their support.

I followed girl68's route and told her today that it is definitely over for good, and later she (while at work) spent a good hour on the phone with me telling me I am the nicest guy she has ever met and she really wants to be with me. She can't accept that differences in personality as the reason I don't want to be with her. The situation I am in now is terrible. I now feel emotionally sick and wonder if I made a big mistake, and am a total asshole. I had a few drinks this evening to kill the pain, but it's still there. I still don't think she's my ideal woman, but I know she cares for me so damn much. I know what love is, and I just don't feel it with her, at least I don't tink. I've had doubts since the beginning, and I don't think anything she can do can fix that. I now feel guilt, remourse and sadness. She went as far as to say that she'll never find any one like me again, I was the most genuine person she ever met, she wants to fight for me. I can't take this. Too much drama for a relationshop totalling only 4 months. What the hell? I feel like a jerk.

I've gone for the no-contact thing. I left my phone at home and I am spending the night 30k's away at my mother's house so that I am not able to answer it if she calls and am not around if she pays a visit. Hope things are better in the morning...

[girl68]

They won't be better in the morning but with more time, eventually the days will get easier. It's not your fault that you're a great guy, the greatest she'll ever meet blah blah blah... she too will get over it- let her. By that I mean leave her alone and refuse to get in touch with her despite her hard efforts. Eventually, you'll both move on. With time, and I like to say give "time" a fair shot (meaning no contact).

Goodluck- it gets better I promise.

[Gratedwasabi]

She's trying to talk you back into the relationship, it happens. She wants you to feel guilty and how much she cares about you (I bet right now you're getting the sense she cared about you more than you ever knew.. that's because she doesn't want to lose you and is talking it up.)

I was in the exact same situation very recently. Very nice girl, etc etc, but my feelings didn't match hers, I saw things that were different about us that would never allow me to be happy, and once you make that realization it's sleazy if you DON'T end it. It sounds like that's sort of what happened to you; you just realized it wasn't what you wanted.

Stick to your decision, respect that she can't handle being friends, and cut off contact. If you keep letting her contact you and talk to you she's just going to keep trying and not move on. I wish it were possible to be friends after these things but it rarely is.

[precisi0n86]

They won't be better in the morning but with more time, eventually the days will get easier. It's not your fault that you're a great guy, the greatest she'll ever meet blah blah blah... she too will get over it- let her. By that I mean leave her alone and refuse to get in touch with her despite her hard efforts. Eventually, you'll both move on. With time, and I like to say give "time" a fair shot (meaning no contact).

Goodluck- it gets better I promise.

You're right. I'm not much better off in the morning. But I think I'll feel better about it when I know she is starting to feel better about it, and that will take time. Honestly, I reckon she'll be with another guy in about 1-2 months max. There are no shortage of interested candidates and she seems to need physical comfort a lot. This is actually one of the reasons I don't think she's a good fit for me, too needy and insecure. That and she doesn't get much respect from men, again due to her personality, so many come after her thinking that she's "easy". She says I've been changing her, but I don't want that burden, for some one to aspire to be more like me. That's not a loving relationship, that's a mentor-protege relationship, and what happens to me when she thinks she's at my level? Sorry if that sounded a little self-absorbed, I'm definitely not the perfect guy, but she thinks I am.

[precisi0n86]

She's trying to talk you back into the relationship, it happens. She wants you to feel guilty and how much she cares about you (I bet right now you're getting the sense she cared about you more than you ever knew.. that's because she doesn't want to lose you and is talking it up.)

I was in the exact same situation very recently. Very nice girl, etc etc, but my feelings didn't match hers, I saw things that were different about us that would never allow me to be happy, and once you make that realization it's sleazy if you DON'T end it. It sounds like that's sort of what happened to you; you just realized it wasn't what you wanted.

Stick to your decision, respect that she can't handle being friends, and cut off contact. If you keep letting her contact you and talk to you she's just going to keep trying and not move on. I wish it were possible to be friends after these things but it rarely is.

Thanks for the support. She has definitely succeeded with this emotional blackmail. I almost called up yesterday and begged for forgiveness... but I came to a realisation:

When I broke up with a girl I dated 9 times longer, and had very strong feelings for like this one has for me, I let her go because she was young and did not want commitment and wanted to go interstate for study. I did it out of love and respect for her, hoping that if she truly loved me in return she'd eventually come back (it was a 1 year program, she didn't come back and started seeing a guy, she lives there with him now). If this girl can't let me go because I don't want to be with her, she's just being manipulative and immature. She doesn't actually love me, she's afraid of her life without me, and a lack of physical contact from some one she likes.