feeling weak

[opc1986]

been 2 months now since my gf of 5 years left me and been feeling really weak and anxious lately. after the first month i noticed improvement with my emotions as i was feeling upbeat about the future and new things to come. but lately i feel like my old anxious, nervous, and pain feelings kinda creeping back. not sure if something triggered it like a memory or if its just a phase. been strong with nc for the 2 months and i feel like breaking down and contacting her to see how she is doing. i still think about her alot and my feelings of love for her have not subsided yet. i always have thoughts of trying to win her back then i try my hardest to push them out of my head. i really thought i was moving forward now it feels like i took a step back. any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. she was also my first and only love, so wondering as well if those are the toughest to get over.

[steviej]

It's natural mate, don't let your guard slip now! Keep the positive thoughts going, keep yourself busy and get a good circle of friends going. It takes time but you're getting there!

[Dune]

Dude, I totally feel your pain. My first gf of 4.5 years left me too, and it's been about a year of NC for me. What I can tell you is, yes, being your first, it IS tremendously difficult. And also, there would be times where you feel ecstatic and all optimistic, and suddenly, all hopeless and dreadful. It comes in waves, or like a pendulum as I would like to think of it. Your emotional unrest causes your feelings to fluctuate back and forth.

But what is certain is that it will get easier, and the 'fluctuations' will reduce in amplitude. Just hang in there and keep a steady frame of mind. Tough as it may be, you will get over it and you will feel a hell of a lot better in time.

[opc1986]

i think my biggest snag in healing is holding onto some type of hope of getting back together with my ex. i know its the worst thing to hold onto but its so tough to get over. i know i have a 0.0% of getting back with my ex but for some reason i have hope. it almost seems delusional to a degree but i know acting irrationally during this process is normal. i keep telling myself " why would i want to be with her if she doesnt want to be with me" but then creeps in "maybe she does want to be with me and i shouldnt give up" . its crazy how the mind and heart work. one tells you to move on, the other tells you to hold on. if only i could get both of them on the same track... i am glad to hear that it does get easier with time. so tell me this dune, after 1 year of nc, do u feel like you are over your ex? when did you think you were ready to start a new relationship if yet? during that time has she ever tried to contact you? if so how did you handle it? how old are you? just curious dont mean to be nosy. you seem like i have a lot in common with you.

[Dune]

Well I'm 21, and our relationship ended in a blink god knows why. She left the country to further her studies, and in about a month, flipped 180 and decided that she's going through some phase and decided to break up. Totally no warning. The final straw for me was because she cheated. And though, like you, I still have the delusion that things will work out in the future or when she gets back, I would tell myself it wouldn't. Sometimes I just tell myself that this part of her life, she has to walk without me for some reason. Maybe there's a reason behind all of this but I don't know.

Yes I believe I understand what you mean when you say it's crazy how the mind works. To this day, my mind still does the same thing on occassion. Though the "power" it has sorta diminishes. It honestly sucks to be left in an ambiguous zone (eg. she says contradicting things to me like I love you but I'm not in love with you/ It's a phase I'm going through/You're not who I want to spend the rest of my life with BUT maybe it will work out in the future/ Let's not see anybody till I get back she says and proceeds to cheat on me). My relationship ended without closure I guess, and that feeling of stuck in limbo sucks.

After 1 year, I would say things are way better. You suddenly feel that there's hope for another girl in your life, and that with the billions of girls out there, I'm sure that there's someone for everyone. I'm currently in a position where I just wanna sit back and enjoy the single life. I just got so tired of it all, but I'm sure I'll be on my game phase the next time a potential gf comes about. But there is this laid back, "I'm not on the prowl" feeling which is pretty liberating.

I guess what you mean by being over her is being able to accept someone else as your gf. Honestly, it would probably take me a little while more before I actually get a new gf, but I don't feel like she's the only one anymore. But her, being my first, I guess there's always this "privileged" spot that she holds in my heart. Not in a sense that I want her back, just like this "it was great while it lasted" feeling.

She barely tried to contact me after we broke up. I mean, just before we ended things, she was reluctant to keep in touch while I was trying my best to keep the lines of communication open. After we broke up, she only attempted to casually chat with me twice, and that was it. Till this day, I have no clue what's going on in her head. She blows hot and cold.

I got fed up with her behaviour, and about 5 things has helped me through the difficult times:
1. No contact (tough as hell during the first month)
2. Working out (it honestly feels great when you put on your headphones and just pump some metal)
3. Reading self help books
4. Forums like this
5. Talking about it to close friends and my parents (it wouldn't hurt to open up a little, just don't bore your friends with endlessly talking everything about your ex)

[confusius]

Dune has some good advice for you. I have nothing more to say, but to hang on there. It does get easier. For me, I think about my ex in the morning when I wake up (for some reason) and when I see something that reminds me of her. Other that, things are pretty steady and enjoyable.

[opc1986]

i agree its the mornings that are the worst especially if i have a dream about her which happens often. i also think about her alot when i go to sleep at night. i lived with her for the last 2 yrs and i have a tough time of seeing myself as an individual rather than a couple as i did everything with her and did not have much of a life of my own. im not sure whats worse though, your situation of not exactly knowing why she ended it, or mine where i know exactly why she ended it. i have a hard time of showing affection and compassion and im very selfish. i always put my needs and wants ahead of hers and she gave me more than enough chances to grow and to learn the capacity to love that she needed and i resisted. she finally gave up on me as i hurt her very much near the end with my actions and basically ignoring her needs. its ironic because i wonder why she didnt leave me sooner. only shows how much she loved me at one point but i know those feelings faded. i wish i could have realized it then because i was in love with her but i could never get over myself and open up fully to her. its the guilt that sucks.