Your opinion on my situation

[gomez3420]

Sorry for the novel, but here is my story

Me and my ex were together for 4 years, 3-3.5 of those years we lived together. Within those years we grew very close, to the point where she would tell me her deepest secrets. Secrets and problems that she wouldn’t share with her closest friends or her family. Over the course of our relationship I was there to support her during turning points in her life such as the death of her grandpa, starting of her business, the leaving of multiple jobs due to unhappiness, etc. I was always there to support and encourage her to press on. Things got bad when I started a school program and left my job to start a new business, and our finances weren’t the best. I was so stressed I turned to professional gaming as a source of venting rather that relying on her. She also started a job at a bar and thus we became distant. Later she told me she needed space and we broke up in January. During this time she partied a lot and started to get a lot of tattoos because the pain of it felt good to her she went from 3 to 13 of them. At first we both couldn’t talk to each other without fighting, and i did not hear from her till my bday where she called me and took me out. After that she would call me once a month and we would hangout until the end of june when I found out she was talking to some guy, in which she said “ i dont know if it will work cause he is 52,divorced, travels a lot for his work and doesn’t really make a lot of time for me.” Shortly after she unfriended me on facebook and I found out through mutual friends that she was in a relationship with this guy. I also found out that she was flaunting this guy like he was the best thing in the world saying things like im so spoiled or i never had it so good. My favorite one is when my friend told me the guy bought her a book and she boasted about how she was going to read it over the weekend. I know this girl though, she has never read a book in all the years we were together. In a recent get together with her we were talking and books came up and i said i dont remember you ever reading books. She replied “ You know i dont read books I read 2-3 pages and fall asleep” in my head I was like why you flaunting his book then.

Her new relationship started after the 4th of july weekend, about 1 week later i called her and told her that she might want to come and get the rest of her stuff. When she did she commented on how good i looked since i started exercising. I also took the opportunity to apologize for my wrongs from the break up and that i know it won’t change anything but all I want is fogiveness. She said she forgave me but the entire time she made very little eye contact and seemed really depressed/sad. She also asked me how she looks and if i was seeing anyone. A couple weeks later she called me asking about the laptop i bought her because she needed money and wanted to sell it. Also she was still telling me things like shes unhappy with everything in her life and her shop was broken into and everything was stolen. That week we actually hung out and during dinner she didn’t make much eye contact and we were chit chatting. She mentioned her parents asked if she still talks to me when dinner was over we went go to the pool house to play billards. As we played pool the girl I knew came out and the wall came down and we started laugh, joking, and having a good time. Again she asked me if I was seeing someone and how she looked and that she looked good for not working out right? I think she may have been insecure cause I had been working out and lost 20lbs. I said you look ok, cause I have seen her in better shape but she was fishing for compliments. As we drove home she opened up about personal problems in her life and told me she is stressed about everything in her life. She gave me a hug and that was that, now everytime i call or text she responds back, by the end of the day.

I called her up another week later and asked if she wanted to do anything she suggested dinner at an old spot we used to go to and also was willing to hangout after dinner. During dinner she started out avoiding eye contact then as the night progessed she started making more we actually engaged in serious talk, where I told her my side of the break up and how I shouldn’t have neglected her due to my stress and should have came to her for support. At that moment she told me that I really did change and that was too bad I changed now. After she realized I changed the whole mood of us hanging out felt like we were on a date again like back in the old days, she was telling me personal things again like shes going through a midlife crisis at the age of 34, shes stressed..etc. She also started to bring up some of our good times that we had. After dinner we went to the movies where we sat next to each other arm rest up, no touching but things felt like it did when we were together, we were laughing and having a good time. After the movie she started to tell me how she doesn’t like how she looks (mainly cause her new bf takes her out to eat a lot, never exercises, and smokes cigars all of which she change cause she used to be really fit and never smoked etc from what friends told me). She then asked me how she looks I said I can’t answer that, she insisted so I told her that she doesn’t look healthy and she’s changed shes not the same as she was before. I told her that her eating habits gotten bad, she looks way older than what she is (probably cause of the 2nd hand smoke, this girl was 30 when i met her and looked 22) how that tattoos were too excessive. She replied its funny that you changed into a better person and I changed into a worse person...I was shocked. She also said that she needed someone to be honest to her and tell her the truth.

Recently we started to hangout a little bit more everytime i ask her to hangout she is like when, so we started working out together, I was only on a trial pass which was a week long but we worked out for 3 hrs each time. And each workout seemed like we were getting closer and closer we are laughing and having a good time, as well as reminincing more about the good times. There was a time where I said ok we are gonna super set this and she says we are gonna super sex? I told her no silly i taught you more that super sex i said super sets and she just laughed. She also asked if i have been practicing pool and told me isnt wed college night, i said ya why you wanna go. She said sure, but we worked out too late and didn’t make it out. And then the other workout we did it seemed like she was letting me get away with being a lil more touchy, cause she didn’t say anything. Again we talked about the good times and this time it seemed like she got jealous cause i train her friend in the gym and told her that her friend complimented me on how i look and how hard i work out, my ex replied under her breath “whatever”. Also my ex told me that I am getting to cocky because I know I look good and I need to be humble but everyone i know tells me i am very humble.

A few months have passed and we see/ talk to each other a few times a week we even are more comfortable around each and it feels like we are together even though were are not. She still asks my opinion on things in her life, we laugh and have a great time. She has begun to talk about us in terms of our past relationship but she still hasn’t mentioned her man to me. We talk about our past sex(in which she smiles on), how we wanted to get married, what we wanted from our future, how I changed for the better, etc. The other day we talked on the phone for an hour where she was asking me about a date I went on and if im going to see that girl or if shes coming out to see me. She asked about my sex life and if i brought girls home. She also asked me what type of girls I am into and that the one i described doesnt sound like her. And she said I wouldn’t want a girl like her because shes not happy and can’t make anyone happy because she’s a drama queen. Which I thought was weird because she was never like that in all the years we dated and I think maybe she got in a fight with the guy. One time she knew I was on a date and she texted me at 830pm my thoughts were are you suppose to be with your man? I texted her back the next day and all she wanted to ask was about that date. We seem to be getting more comfortable and close to each other although only her sister knows we are hanging out, and she tells her sister that we are really good friends. We went out to a nice dinner Sunday and for the first time in since the break up she dressed up looking like a million bucks, im talking hair done, make up done, nice dress, jewelry, etc she said because I told her she doesn’t dress nice like she used to, i dont know it was like she was trying to impress me. Also from our talks it seems like the past 3-4 weeks she has been with me or out with her girls and not around her new bf. She tells me she wants me in her life and everytime I tell her I won’t be there forever she always replies we’ll you can always chose to be if you really want to. So I really don’t know what to think in terms of progess if there is or isnt any...any help would be much appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry for the novel

Me too. If you can condense it down to say, 100 words some of us might have the willpower to read it and perhaps, even, reply.

[Agnus]

I went to the classical music concert and there was a guy holding girl's leg right under her pussy. Since then the questions has been bothering me: "What can be done if people decide that being intimate in public is moral turpitude?" Why? I liked that more than the concert actually.

[TheEvilJester]

I feel for my fellow storytellers. I have a hard time keeping myself from making SUPER long posts, especially when it is about a topic near and dear to my heart. I don't have time at this very moment, but I full intend to come back and read your whole post and see if I can perhaps help even in any small way.

Piece of advice from one storyteller to another... One thing I have found helps a great deal:

Offer those who want to help, but don't have the time to read a long post, a way out. You can actually look at the thread I started as an example of what I mean. (I told the whole story, but also included a disclaimer, as well as a brief summary people could read if they couldn't get through the whole thing.) Some people will actually take the time to read your whole post (myself included). But there will be plenty of nice, well-meaning people who just may not have the time or patience to deal with us storytellers. LOL! So, that gives those nice people a chance to still help.

As I said, though, I gotta show love to my fellow storytellers. I tend to get very busy, but I fully intend to come back and read your full post.

[Boisdevie]

I tend to get very busy, but I fully intend to come back and read your full post.

Sure you will.

[smackie9]

Well IMO she's a little too late. I see that her focus has been about the money. She found someone with money only to realize she is still lonely, so she starts to slip back into your life. On his dollar she got all dolled up for you....she's a sad, lonely desperate person.

Dude she was never there for you when times got tough. If times ever got tough again, do you think she would stand by you? I doubt it.....she is only looking out for her own self interest and it shows throughout your whole post.

[TheEvilJester]

Okay. Had some things to do, but like I said, I feel for my fellow storytellers. Wanted to come back and give your post a full read and see if I could possibly offer any advice.

I read the whole thing word for word. The main thing I am confused about is what exactly is your question, or for what were you hoping for advice? I will say this, without being closer to the situation, none of us can truly know what is going on in her head or yours. We can only go by what you have shared with us.

That said, it definitely sounds like she may be at least partially still interested in you. After all, she seems very interested in whether or not you are dating. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like just a passing interest either. Sounds like she is subtly grilling you for details.

Of course, it could also just be that she genuinely hopes you are moving on and are happy. Or, it could be that small part of her is upset that she has been having a hard time and is hoping, at the very least, that you are at least a little bit as well. I don't mean that to sound as horrible as it does. We all have that little part inside us whether we like it or not. Amongst other things we wish we could say weren't true of ourselves, they make us envious when somebody is happy and we are not, especially as it relates to a former relationship.

My question to you is are you interested in getting back with her if the opportunity were to arise? I would advise treading lightly if you did want to get back with her. Our exes are our exes for a reason. When you are no longer in a relationship, assuming you still get along, it can be easy to reminisce on the good times and begin to forget why you broke up in the first place. But, if you did break up, often times getting back together is not going to magically change whatever caused you to break up in the first place.

So, getting back with an ex is definitely tricky ground to cross. It certainly CAN work out. People tend not to change FUNDAMENTALLY, but relationships don't always end because of huge differences. Sometimes it is little things that are just important enough, or enough little things that they become important enough. So, you have to take some time away from the relationship and decide if the things that caused the break up would be likely to cause trouble in the relationship again, or are they things that could easily be worked out, after the wisdom gained from knowing that they didn't work out before? After all, people don't tend to change fundamentally, but we are always changing a little here and there. Hopefully for the better, but not always. But that is okay, because tomorrow is always another day.

So, either way if you want to get back with her, or you do not, the best advice is to tread lightly in a situation like this. I feel like I have been saying that a lot on this board, but it is often good advice in these sort of situations. But, in the end, you have to decide what you feel is best. The fact is, though, she is in a relationship right now. Happy or not, you do not mess with somebody in a relationship. So, if you feel you want to be with her if the option were open, then be there for her as a friend now, and hopefully the situation will arise where that will be a possibility. Just don't make yourself wait around forever. If fate does not seem fit to put you two back together, then that just means your soulmate is probably somebody else. Good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

Well IMO she's a little too late. I see that her focus has been about the money. She found someone with money only to realize she is still lonely, so she starts to slip back into your life. On his dollar she got all dolled up for you....she's a sad, lonely desperate person.

Dude she was never there for you when times got tough. If times ever got tough again, do you think she would stand by you? I doubt it.....she is only looking out for her own self interest and it shows throughout your whole post.

I can definitely see what you mean. Perhaps I just misread it, but I didn't get the impression that she wasn't necessarily there for him in his time of need. It sounded to me more so like he admitted that he made the mistake of not letting her be there for him. But Gomez could feel free to correct me if I am wrong. If I am wrong, then I would have to say I would perhaps change my advice a little bit. If she was given the chance, and was never there for him then, I don't see what would change now.

[smackie9]

Well we don't know what really happened during that time because we are only getting his account of what happened. He is taking some of the blame BUT I think he wouldn't have turned to gambling if she was really there for him. Just my 2 cents.

[gomez3420]

I can definitely see what you mean. Perhaps I just misread it, but I didn't get the impression that she wasn't necessarily there for him in his time of need. It sounded to me more so like he admitted that he made the mistake of not letting her be there for him. But Gomez could feel free to correct me if I am wrong. If I am wrong, then I would have to say I would perhaps change my advice a little bit. If she was given the chance, and was never there for him then, I don't see what would change now.

I do apologize for the long story but I wanted to give you all something detailed rather than the typical...I want my ex back or dumped story. Truth is we broke up back in January and before times got rough she actually was there for me in a lot of times. I couldn't have been happier, I know she has changed and I understand that. So this is actually 9/10 months of condensed story, so thank you to all with the patience to read it. My mistake jester was the fact that I didnt show her enough attention as well as from what she told me recently I didn't listen to her on simple task and she got tired of it. Hence why I apologized for it and acknowledged my faults. I also agree that money may have been an underlining motive, but in the end I think she wanted me to focus on her rather than gaming. I am not a gambler but the gaming I"m talking about is video gaming, and at that time I ran a professional team that was ranked in the US. I know that sounds really bad but I wanna be honest so I can get honest opinions. I guess the main question is am I being played or are we slowly being drawn back to each other? And if this guy she is suppose to be with sound like a rebound?

And to be honest I am gonna give up at the end of the year, I wanted to take a year off of dating to improve myself, my career, and possibly my relationship with my ex. If it didn't work out I was prepared to move on, heck I even went on a few dates as you read. In all honesty she has issues, and i know this but I stick around to help her cause I do care...again thank you for all the replies your insight.

[TheEvilJester]

If you ask me, it does sound somewhat like her new relationship is just a rebound guy. But, again, we can't really know that for sure, nor can you. I also don't think you are being played by her. Of course, I certainly could be wrong, but that would be pretty wicked and vindictive. Does that sound like the girl you knew when you and her were together? To do something like that, especially to stretch it on as long as you say you and her have been broken up but remaining friendly, would be bordering on obsessive and insane. Heck, it certainly is possible. Stranger things have happened. But, I think you can fairly rest assured that this is probably not the case.

Beyond that, it sounds like you really have a good head on your shoulders. You seem to be able to acknowledge where you made mistakes, and where there were perhaps some on her side as well. That is the best thing you can do. Don't sugar coat things in your own mind on either side. Don't delude yourself into thinking you were Mr. Perfect and it was all her fault, but nor should you fall into the trap of believing it was all your fault. Very rarely is a break-up 100% one person's fault. Beyond that, your plan sounds pretty good. Take some time on your own to heal, and if during that you two seem to be led back to each other, great. If not, then time to move on and perhaps find the person you truly were meant to be with, wherever and whomever she may be. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Well you may have gotten your shit together but she hasn't.....so IMO she is not ready to "try" again.....she is still with this guy, she's out partying and she is hanging out with you, which I doubt her BF would approve of....her head isn't there yet so you should just concentrate on yourself. It's not your place to "help her out". If she is going to be worthy of being with you, she needs to get her shit together on her own.

You say you are doing it because you care, but my gut tells me it's more out of guilt.

[TheEvilJester]

I think what Smackie has shared here is very important advice. This is another mistake people often make... thinking they can fix somebody. If she is really messed up right now, then that is most definitely up to her to get out of that funk. Hopefully she can do it for her own sake, as well as those who care about her. But, it definitely is not your place to have to fix her. It is okay to be there for her, and help in whatever way you can. But ultimately, that is her battle to fight.

[gomez3420]

I would have to say that I do agree with what both of you have said.With smackie, I know she hasn't gotten her shit together because of the reasons you pointed out. And I know I can't change her, it's a journey she needs to take on her own. I honestly don't feel any guilt since I already apologized and she supposedly forgave me for my wrong doings even though she still seems to bring them up but I will admit that I am too nice of a guy. And jester I agree that this may be a rebound relationship due to the fact, and im going off of some mutual friends we have that the guy is the opposite of me, such as doesn't exercise, smokes, etc. Also as a side note she is keeping me a secret from everyone, the only person that really knows about me is her sister. None of her friends or family know that we are hanging out again/ talking. Which makes me wonder why I am such a secret? As well as if she is happy with this new guy, why does she have to have me in her life?

I only say this is because multiple times I have told her that I won't be in her life forever and eventually I will disappear, like all exs. Her reply was I understand but if you really wanted to stay around you know you could...again an interesting comment coming from a taken woman. My final thing that I left out from the story is that she had said things like you wouldn't want a girl like me and after I gave a description of the type of girls I am into she said that doesn't sound like me in a sad tone. I thought she had a man, why is she saying things like this to me? I greatly appreciate all your words of wisdom..thank you so much!

[Agnus]

I greatly appreciate all your words of wisdom..thank you so much!

You're welcome.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.