weird and hurting 6 month unofficial relationship

[tossip]

Hi everyone my name is Ian (19 yrs old 3rd yr college) and I'm Christian (Pentecostal). I'd like to share you this really weird and very hassling and hurting love story that I am currently in...
There is a girl in our church (18 yrs of age, 1st yr college) that I liked since the start of (November 2008) but haven't confessed to her yet at that time. We were really good friends with her ever since I was at the first day at our church (February 2007)... she was the first person that welcomed me in as well. What made me like her was how she was really RESPONSIBLE in her works both at home, studies, and the ministry at church. Second was how she is VERY FRIENDLY with people around her. She can immediately make friends from people that have just met her in church. Third was how she's really great at her STUDIES. But what made me really liked her was her beauty and sex appeal. Yes... I know this girl is like a boy magnet since the start of her highschool life till college... she did tell me she had around 20 males that tried to court her until now.

At around summer (May 2009), I just got a new cellphone and she suddenly asked for my number despite the fact that she doesn’t even own one. A day later she frequently borrows cellphones from her sister, brother and mother trying to text me about almost any random topic she could talk of and she’s been doing this in the whole month of May. In the last week of May she told me about us chatting in yahoo in June since she can have her lunch money when school starts. So in the month of June it was like almost everyday she opened up her yahoo account and chat me along with doing research in the internet she does this almost everyday despite the fact that their family has no internet and no pc at home (Yes she spent most of her money in the internet cafe).

One day when I went to church there was this talk about my crush having a possible relationship with someone. I was kind of sad that time that she might have since she’s beautiful after all BUT when the talk suddenly referred to her text addiction and her constant going into internet cafes nowadays WHICH ISN’T HER PART OF HER DAILY ROUTINES before, I got a little clue that it could be me that she’s after. So after the last Sunday of June (specifically June 28, 2009), I asked her about what guy she has a crush on but she didn’t answer but when I persisted in asking her further, she told that it was ME. The reasons were about my talent in guitar, the way I talk, and my looks (Oh Yes… I finally believe my Mom and Dad saying how handsome I am).

After all that joy that I felt in me, I also confessed my feelings to her and finally after that, we didn’t get ourselves into a relationship yet since her dad was strict about it so we called it an unofficial relationship (Not in a relationship yet but LOVE each other).

In the Month of July, we constantly text and chat in yahoo on how we love each other and even gave me several poems about her feelings for me. In return, I also sent her love letters through private messages in her Friendster account. At Friday (July 17th) I proposed to her that we would date each other at Saturday at home since my parents will be off shopping and no one would disturb us and she agreed. We did date each other that day and I wanted to kiss her that time so I tried to give her one. Both of us had our first kisses from that day on but she got mad a little mad at me for doing it and hated herself for doing it. I said sorry to her the following day and the texting and yahoo chats still continued till the end of the Month.

In the Month of August (the first week) was the month where she was busy at school. And the communication grew weaker as the days went by and felt that I was a little jealous since it really dropped to almost just 2 days of communication I wanted a talk to her about it in personal about why she’s been acting cold this time and the reasons were, she wanted to let go of me because she preferred to study first before having a boyfriend and started to not text and chat me after that. And there came emotional stress, the horror of not being with her anymore really made me want to not live anymore. Two days later when I was barely moving on she suddenly texted me about how I have been and how she misses me and hinted me that she wanted to go back the way it was before and continued the relationship. She gave me good news that her family (except her dad) votes for me which made her even happier. In the last week of August though she started to act cold again and stated that she wants to end it again because she was just REALLY concentrating on her studies and don’t want any love thing bothering her. I was mad at her that time saying that her love for me was a lie. We made a really big argument about it but ended up me saying sorry to her. So from that moment on, I moved on, removed her from yahoo and stopped texting her.

In the first Monday of September (September 7) I opened up my Friendster account and started to see 4 private messages from her saying that she really misses me and that she regretted what she’s done and tried adding me up on yahoo again hoping that I’ll accept it. And from that moment on I realized what made her not make up her mind on giving a SOLID answer whether she loves me or not… YES she is IMMATURE. An 18 yr old woman that is still incapable of making decisions in relationship… I finally asked for advice for my friends at church in secret. She’s never experienced loving someone before and say that it would be better that we were just friends for now to make it all cleared up. Based from what they say, I really couldn’t let go of her like that just from having memories of her and especially the day when I kissed her. I really loved her so much that I couldn’t let go despite her being like this. So I ignored their advice and continued the relationship still. Realizing what I’m doing, I have also become IMMATURE due to these feelings.

At the last week of September her former crush that she’s been so diehard on before and his family went to town to visit the church. And after that she started to not communicate with me and was busy with school. I constantly tried to contact her but she just always say that she’s really busy with herself. I was afraid about the fact that she might fall inlove with him again. So when her former crush and family left, I asked if she still loves him and that she doesn’t love me anymore… she immediately said yes and told me to move on and find another woman in life. So from that moment, I moved on once again into the abyss…

But later in the first week of October, she suddenly visited home again and apologized for the lie she made before. She made her former crush as an excuse to make me believe that she doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and the true reason she broke up was that I was bugging her with her studies. From that time again, we kissed and made up and… once again the relationship is back. And in the two final weeks of October, she constantly visits home when my parents aren’t around and at those times we really make time for each other (play video games, listening to music, teach her guitar, and even the kissing).

It went well in the month of November until in the final day (November 30) she decided to let go of me again because she was really afraid that we might get caught by her dad (which was kinda suspecting a little) and that she’s also focusing on her studies right now. I was really getting annoyed about how she constantly hurts me like this all of a sudden leaving me into pure painful emotional stress. She’s the one who’s always letting go and I’m the one who’s not (Because I don’t have the heart to even break up with her because I really loved her so much). From that, we really had a big cellphone text fight over it until we couldn’t even understand ourselves anymore (cellphone text fight is actually BIAS to even show the true emotions of a person but I still continued it). So again, I always ended up saying sorry to her. So like what I always do, move on… for the 4th ****ing time…

In the month of December, she suddenly texted me saying that her dad actually understands if his children are having relationships. Just that it doesn’t ruin their schooling. And stated that she’s finally free of his clutches and went back with the relationship again. So with this opportunity I asked her if it was okay with her to make the relationship finally official. But she rejected me and said that I’ll just wait for her to graduate in college and only then will it be official (Oh yes… I can finally feel the true power of the fickle mindedness of some women). I was really disappointed and mad at the same time since she did state before that she’ll make it official when her dad agrees BUT NO… and again another cellphone fight that I didn’t want to do but still actually did it anyway. But we didn’t break up and just said sorry to her in the end.

What’s worse was when they had a telephone at home and still she didn’t call me… I mean if she really does love me like that, she WILL and always give time for our communication. But doesn’t even use it and rather calls her girl friends instead. So I got jealous at that and had another cellphone fight. This time she stated that she has had it with my attitude of being spoiled and jealous (Yes I am this possessive with her and I get jealous like that). I was really upset about the part that everything is already provided to her, her freedom, the telephone so that we could communicate but still didn’t grab the opportunities. She said she’ll really break up with me this time.
Before I moved on though, I did tell her that she promised to me before about her going to be the woman who will help change my attitude of being spoiled and jealous and that she hold on to that promise. I explained to her that she surrendered without even trying work to help this attitude of mine and felt her guilt over that which made her even more pissed off and really told me to move on this time. My last words with her were:

“If what you’re doing is going to make you happy, then so be it, But if what you’re doing is going to make you make feelings of regret, sadness, and stress, then that won’t do you any good.” And I left a last message saying my deepest apologies.
So that’s about it. I had really gotten so tired with this relationship about her commitment and her changing minds and stuff but I still couldn’t let go due to my love for her. And yes, I am that devoted to her no matter how many times she whiplashed me with what she’s doing. And for this relationship, at least I also knew my darksides and her darksides as well.

If any of you guys have any advice over this, I’d be glad to read them.