Long Term Relationship Trouble

[heartonmysleeve]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. About 6 months ago we decided to take the next step together and move in together, but we compromised on having roommates (another younger couple) so we could have a bigger house. Then four months ago we got a puppy together. When we moved in together things started going downhill. We stopped having sex (once every two months, maybe) going out to dinner (2x in 6 months) and generally had no alone time together. Quiet seriously - even our bedroom had no lock on it. So people would yell at the boyfriend to come out and hang out, or just walk in on us. I started dreading even coming home.

Something terrible happened with one of the roommates, and within a week I moved all of my stuff out. I no longer felt safe there, it was not home. He apologized to my boyfriend, and claims he wishes to apologize to me, but has yet to. This was a month ago. Overall - maybe it was a good thing. On one hand our relationship even though it isn't great still, it is getting better. We have sex more often (at least once every other week), have been going out to dinner, and dates, and having more alone time. On the other hand, it has been really hard going from living together to rarely seeing each other. In addition to that, I can't have our puppy at my parent's house because my mom is allergic. So we can't stay there. And then I have an anxiety attack even just driving to his (my former) house over what happened, so we are rarely there together. We primarily stay at his parents house when we spend time together. I've spent 3 nights at his house since everything happened.

Even though things are getting better, we still have far to go. I still feel frustrated by our relationship - I read "The 5 Love Languages" and am struggling to find what my boyfriends love language is, and with that - struggling to find how he shows me he loves me. He has been weirdly immature and flirting with me by poking me, or tugging on my hair. And to be honest - I am just thankful for the affection and that things are going better. So I respond affirmatively.

In all of this, my ray of sunshine that I keep telling myself, almost as a mantra, is that his lease is up at the end of November. I only have four months of this sucky situation to live in. Then, this weekend he lets me know he has seriously been talking with one of his friends (another couple) about moving in with them and a handful of other people when his lease is up. Not only that, but its a good 20 minutes further away. Not only that (again) but this friend is one that although he used to like me - has been openly rude to me, and even went as far as unfriending me on FB. I expressed to my boyfriend that I feel we are working on our relationship, and it would just make things harder if he lived with someone who is not supportive of our relationship. He didn't really say anything back at the time.

I feel frustrated because our relationship was moving forward - moving in together, getting a puppy together, and now suddenly we are apart. We spend less time together, and now he is making decisions like living situations on his own. But I should be thankful he was asking my advice. I just feel like it is taking 5 steps back.

Summary: My boyfriend of 2 years and I lived together, have a puppy together, and then over outside problems I moved out. We had been having problems, but it is getting better. Then he tells me he has been making plans to put himself in a living situation that is not supportive of our relationship or me.
Questions: Based on what you have read... do you think we are just going through a normal stage in relationships, or not? What about with the end of his lease coming up - if he does choose to move in with these people do you think he is choosing to fail our relationship? Do you have any insight on what you think my boyfriends "love language" is?

Thank you for any advice, help, support. anything. I appreciate the listening ear.

[VincenzoG91]

Why is the communication so poor? Did you never tell him about the things that bothered you about that last living arrangement? Or did you tell him and he just didn't listen? You need to talk to him seriously about his plans for the two of you.

Also, what is up with this next deal? The two of you would be living with seven (!!!) other people? Why can't the two of you afford a place of your own?

I'm going to make a guess here... your boyfriend is very extroverted and enjoys living with a bunch of people. You might be more of an introvert, or even just normal enough to want more privacy than would ever be possible with so many roommates. Everybody says that opposites attract, but opposites won't be able to last together unless they can compromise.

[heartonmysleeve]

Vincenzo -

Communication is rough with the boyfriend. I did tell him things that bothered me, but nothing ever changed. It ended up being me just venting about it, and stressed out all the time. He is very non confrontational, and the roommates being his friends, I brought issues up to them rarely. They also had a lack of communication with us. For example our roommate was convinced we had a mold problem and moved into (wet towels, dirty clothes, bedding and all) our living room for 3 weeks without ever saying anything to us. Then when I casually asked when they would move back, the roommate snapped at me. Btw, there was no mold problem, it was all in his head. Like you said - yes, I am an introvert and he is an extrovert. I love having people around, but not all the time. That is a very good point - I feel like up until this point we have been making compromises but now if he does chose to move in there, based on what I have said, then it really isn't a compromise.

Also, I wouldn't live there. Just him, and our puppy, and all of the roommates. I'd like him to live in a place I feel comfortable in, and maybe eventually move into. In this situation it would be at least four people, and another dog! (So 4 people, 2 dogs total, at least!) He can afford it, I can't (full time student), before he payed for the majority of our living expenses, something we compromised on, and I did other things to make up for it. But what I also just don't get it because as of right now he is spending around 1/3 to 1/2 of his time with me - away from the house that he is paying for. I was shocked that he would want to continue to pay to live some place he only lives half the time!

[Boisdevie]

Communication is rough with the boyfriend. I did tell him things that bothered me, but nothing ever changed.

So he's happy to ignore you. Then dump the ****er and find a decent boyfriend instead of some selfish twat.

[oldskool83]

you need a new boyfriend. this ones not the one for you.

[heartonmysleeve]

I think part of the reason he doesn't act on the things I complained about was that they were things out of his control - like the roommates and things they were doing. He expects me to stand up for myself and take care of it myself. Besides that our relationship is mostly good, and we don't fight. Now when it comes to things he can control, like where he lives in December, I think that he would be a "selfish twat" to move in with these friends who don't like us our relationship. I think the answer is to wait and see how he decides to act on something that is totally in his control. Especially after I said how it makes me feel.

[Boisdevie]

He expects me to stand up for myself and take care of it myself.

He should support you. And December is a long time away. I'd give him an ultimatum.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, don't be passive about your communication with him. Don't just tell him how you feel, tell him what you want, then offer some room to compromise. If he is still just going to do what he wants without any regard for you, then you have your answer without passively waiting for months to go by.

[AdminOnline]

Summary: My boyfriend of 2 years and I lived together, have a puppy together, and then over outside problems I moved out. We had been having problems, but it is getting better. Then he tells me he has been making plans to put himself in a living situation that is not supportive of our relationship or me.
Questions: Based on what you have read... do you think we are just going through a normal stage in relationships, or not? What about with the end of his lease coming up - if he does choose to move in with these people do you think he is choosing to fail our relationship? Do you have any insight on what you think my boyfriends "love language" is?

Thank you for any advice, help, support. anything. I appreciate the listening ear.

thanks for the summary!! appreciated it!