Help Dealing with his female best friend

[mylameusername]

I have an issue with one of my fiance's best friends (who is a girl) and I can't decide if I should discuss it with him or not. I would appreciate any advice or insights that you have to share about it. The explanation is long so bear with me, and thank you for taking the time to read it.

He met this girl at the beginning of our freshman year of college (let's call her Ashley just to make the explanation simpler). They both became friends with another girl (I'll refer to her as Diana). The three of them are best friends to this day. My fiance and Ashley had a little chemistry. They never acted on their feelings for a couple of reasons. The only important one to know is that he met me and we became good friends, he quickly changed his mind about Ashley, and we started dating when we were sophomores. Both Ashley and Diana were unable to come back to school because of financial reasons, so they were not around much.

My fiance mentioned to me in the beginning of our relationship that he thought about dating Ashley before he met me. I didn't care because he had chosen me, so why get jealous? She wasn't even at school anymore so there wasn't much to worry about. She does live an hour away from campus so they could still hang out, but I did not feel bothered by it. Whenever she made plans with him, she invited me. She would try to get to know me a little bit, but always focused a lot more on my fiance. They're best friends though, so not completely weird, right? Well I have always suspected that she still has more then friendly feelings for him because:

1. She likes to write fantasy/si-fi stories. Many of them have a male and female character based on her and my fiance. There is always either a romantic relationship between them or a very deep friendship connection.

2. When we are together, she mostly talks about all of the things she did with him when she was still at school. If my fiance and I tell her about some adventure we had, she looks annoyed and starts talking about "the good days" when she was in school, before I was in the picture. Then she moves on to topics that she has in common with him that I don't (like video games).

3. Body language. She usually sits next to him instead of letting me sit with him and she leans her body close to him. She has even wrapped her arms around his arm and rested her head on it. What girls do that with a guy she just wants a friendship with? There were times that she was in a good mood but then I snagged a seat next to him and she seemed grumpy after that.

I wasn't concerned about this until two years later. I had moments where I felt bothered by her, but it wasn't a huge issue... until my fiance and I got engaged. Since then, her attitude has changed. She no longer invites me to hang out with them. Whenever my fiance asks if I can come she says "you, Diana, and I need some alone time because we don't see each other much". I doubt Diana cares. She never initiates anything with him. It is always Ashley who calls or texts him just to talk or to set something up. The last couple of times that I was with them, she seemed irritated towards me and did not say much to me. If I put my head on his shoulder, her facial expression got darker.

To sum up, their friendship is starting to make me uncomfortable. I was not going to say anything to my fiance about it, but then he told me something that bothers me a lot. In two weeks they want to come to steal him for a day. I asked if I could come because we have not seen each other much all summer. He said that Ashley wanted it to just be the two of them and Diana for "one last hurrah". When I asked what that means he told me that they think this will be the last time to hang out alone because he is getting married next month. His other friends don't feel like they need a last hurrah with him. I am laid back about him going out with friends so they don't feel worried that he will get married and never leave the house without me again.

Something else that concerns me is that not only is he one of her only friends, he is her only male friend. She hasn't even had a relationship since leaving college (she has had a couple crushes, but nothing that took off). Is it silly for that to bother me?

I trust my fiance's loyalty. It is Ashley that I'm starting to distrust. She is actively seeking out alone time with him. What I need advice on is if I am reading too much into anything and if I should tell him that I am becoming uncomfortable with her. I think I should tell him because this is the kind of thing that can strain a relationship, but I don’t want him to feel like I distrust him. I am getting to the point where it bothers me that they spend time together without me. I don’t want him to cut her out of his life but I do want him to be aware of the situation and be sensitive towards it. Any reasons why I should or shouldn’t say something? Does it seem like I am over reacting about anything?

[Wakeup]

First off, yes i think you should tell him how you feel because by your account, she would (if nothing else) annoy the fk out of me to the point that I'd be teasing her mercilessly about her pouting and why at her age she's never had a proper boyfriend that had romantic feelings towards her * meow * Not only that, when he told me it was "their last hurrah" I'd say well then I can expect you won't be ever seeing her again if it's "the last" one.

I trust my fiance's loyalty. It is Ashley that I'm starting to distrust. She is actively seeking out alone time with him.

I just laugh when I here threatened people say that about their S.O. The crux of the matter is, if you actually did trust your bf you would not care because if he wouldn't (or hasn't been) taking her to bed then short of raping him, she'd get no where with him in the sexual realm.

Talk to him and tell him you feel him going away alone with two other women is crossing a relationship boundary and let him know that you are 100% positive he wouldn't like you doing it with two other men.

Good luck

[lahnnabell]

If you harbor this and refuse to speak up about it, you'll only have yourself to blame later on when he continues to blur these boundary lines. It's okay that you're not okay with him running around with a former semi-flame who very clearly still has feelings for him. She's disrespecting you and the boundaries of their "friendship" by snubbing you. He should not be okay with that, but he's playing dumb because it's causing the least amount of trouble for him. I'd say it's time to rock the boat. Don't be a bitch, but definitely put your foot down. Express to him honestly how much it hurts you that she's been snubbing you this whole time and he hasn't bothered to stand up for you. And DO NOT let him wave away your concerns or tell you you're being irrational.

[MerryH]

You seem very reasonable. You probably should have mentioned something about it before, but other than that, I think you're handling it well.

Ashley sounds fat. Is she fat? This is important.

[Mathias]

This is the most reasonable thread in some time.

Her behavior is unacceptable. You're correct to bring it up. I have a female best friend as well, but she's *actually* just a friend. This is a girl who wants to get in your fiancee's pants.

[IndiReloaded]

Tell her that if she sits next to your BF again you'll break her kneecaps. Smile sweetly while doing so.

Seriously you don't know this? You get rid of competition by being ruthless but in a way that shit doesn't stick. Say things like "damn, THIS old story AGAIN? How about some new ones? I was at a fascinating...XXX... recently... Be absolutely open about PDA with your BF when she is around. Make HER uncomfortable. I could describe more but use your imagination.

[mylameusername]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. You've given me some things to think about and I realize that I should say something now and stop waiting the situation out to decide what this girl is up to.

[QUOTE]I trust my fiance's loyalty. It is Ashley that I'm starting to distrust. She is actively seeking out alone time with him.
QUOTE]

I just laugh when I here threatened people say that about their S.O. The crux of the matter is, if you actually did trust your bf you would not care because if he wouldn't (or hasn't been) taking her to bed then short of raping him, she'd get no where with him in the sexual realm.[

Yeah, you are right about that. It is just hard to admit to myself. I don't feel totally confident in him.

Ashley sounds fat. Is she fat? This is important.

She is pudgy, but not enough to be called fat (at least I would not consider her fat). She is not very social and prefers to stick with the people she is comfortable with and not let new people in. I've seen her do that with other people, not just me.

You probably should have mentioned something about it before

We have sort of talked about it before. My fiance admitted that he was suspicious before I did but we didn't get to discuss it much (we were driving and had just gotten to our friend's apartment) and I haven't brought it up again. I think I need to. I did tell him her leaning on him was not acceptable but I haven't been around her since so I don't know if that's changed.