I'm feeling so lost right now... So confused...
Few months ago I met a woman online. We've been dating off and on since. I say off and on since a formula emerged very early on in our relationship.
The distance between us causes us to only spend the weekends together at the beginning of which she is usually very jovial and playful. It was apparent very early on that we are polar opposites. TV shows I like she hates. The music she loves I can't stand and vice versa. Frankly its been part of the fun being exposed to so much you normally wouldn't be and has been part of what keeps us going.
Its fun, light hearted and playful most of the time but by the end of the weekend, or these days at the end of each day, she takes something I say so far out of context and then "punishes" me with ice cold distance or often turns the situation ridiculous. A comment of: "You think people would stop watching the news if the Anchor women weren't so attractive?" is turned into some deep deep deep betrayal on her heart. She gets quiet and shuts down. After some cuddling and pep talking she'll start a two hour conversation saying: "You settled for me... You have no idea how much that comment hurt me. I know you're still in love with your Ex. If you really loved me you'd chase me."
This goes overboard if we have enjoyed some alcohol as she'll get aggressive and has even shoved me off her while trying to hug her.
I'm usually pretty understanding to her tirades and have spent ample hours over the months listening to her and some very terrible tales of an abusive Ex. When her tantrums cross lines I'm VERY quick to establish boundaries. Sometimes she calms down other times she goes into a terminator mode where she will say and do anything she thinks will hurt me. Trying to throw away expensive gifts and jewelry I've bough her, etc.
Obviously she is looking to get a reaction out of me. A reaction of what I don't understand as I am not one of those non-sharing or feeling stoic lawyer types. I'm loud, jovial and EVERY responsive and emotionally available.
Saturday night crossed a line. I took her on a day trip to the wine country in California. After a lot of tasting and a late lunch a silly comment from me flicked her switch. Maybe it was the wine. Or the exhaustion from the trip or the hurtful things she was saying but once we got back to her house I grew in anger so hard... I raised my voice. Telling her she had just killed us and that she could now consider me no longer a part of her life. I added that nothing ever makes physical abuse okay, EVER, but seldom had I met someone who hadn't played a hand in their own misery and if this is the way she treated the last guy I can see where a jerk would react physically. I grabbed my weekend bag and left...
I feel so angry with myself for letting her get to me. For yelling. I'm sure my message was lost having turned into "Its okay your Ex beat you. You deserved it."... I should have just walked out.
Now im so confused. I love her... If I ever talk to her again I'll be crawling back to a victim who became an abuser... Or a tleast thats the way it feels.
Why does she do this?