Lets get married.

**MzLadi** · 07-01-09, 07:15 AM

Im a 26 year old female and me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 years. We also have a handsome 7 month old son together. Well, i am at the point where i am ready to take the next step in our relationship. I have expressed and hinted at this many times and all i get are excuses. His main excuse is that he needs to get his financial situation together. And i say that this an excuse because he has been saying the same thing for more than 2 years and has not made an effort to even set a goal. Also its not like we are struggling in that area. I suggested to him that we get engaged, move in together, and save for a wedding. I even told him that we could get engaged, save for a reception, and get married with a justice of peace (i dont need all the bells and whistles, i just want him as my husband and for us to be one). But he looked at me like i had just slapped him in the mouth. He also suggested that we have another kid which i think is backwards, he is financially ready for another kid and can committ to another kid but not marriage or even an engagement. I know that i am a great girl and any man would appreciate having me as his wife. But he is making me feel so unworthy. I am becoming impatient and i am wondering should i give him a ultimatum, wait it out, or move on?

**lesa** · 07-01-09, 07:41 AM

Should you give the father of your children an ultimatum if he doesn't marry you?

It depends. I probably wouldn't.

It's definitely backwards. And he doesn't even want engagement. Not a good sign.

However, we need to determine his reasons for not marrying. He said financial which is BS especially for your situation. It's not a good sign.

Some people really don't believe in marriage (but he didn't say that). If he shows long term commitment, he may be okay living with you for life without the paper and all the security that the paper may provide.

Maybe he is terrified of marriage. Maybe he just wants to populate the universe. Maybe he is used to the living arrangement that you apparently agreed to. Maybe he is not really compatible with you. Maybe you do not seem like the type to remain faithful long-term aka "marriage material". Maybe he loves you but not enough to take a marriage risk, lol.

Here's a much more important question. Why are you thinking of leaving him because of this issue? Why is marriage so important to you? You have a child and a live-in boyfriend. Why are you expecting a change now? Do you like marriage just to say that you are? What are your reasons?

**MzLadi** · 07-01-09, 07:49 AM

Actually we don't live together. And marriage is important to me for many reasons, including religious and spirtual. Sure having a child outside of wedlock and fornicating does not fall in line with my beliefs. But we all make mistakes and i'm learning and growing.

**lesa** · 07-01-09, 08:01 AM

Please elaborate on these religious and spiritual reasons that finally have you contemplating marriage.

He's not a live-in boyfriend and he's not engaged. Are you truly in a bf/gf relationship? Is it a serious relationship? Does he say that he wants to spend his life with you? My crystal ball says this situation is not looking so great for marriage.

May I ask how old are you? What makes you feels that you have continued to make mistakes for several years before having a child and now feel the need to end the relationship? Is someone pressuring you?

He is not sounding like a serious boyfriend anymore. In fact he is looking like a baby's daddy more and more.

**Lite** · 07-01-09, 08:12 AM

Sounds like he's really just not that into commitment, or at least commitment to you. Maybe you should ask him to marry you, if he says no, end the relationship, file for child support, and find someone worth dating?

**Mish** · 07-01-09, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by MzLadi

I am becoming impatient and i am wondering should i give him a ultimatum, wait it out, or move on?

You can't make a sudden decision to move on now that you have a child together. Your prime responsibility is now to your child not to your best interest, but to his. You now need to find out the best case scenario that will be best suited to your child. This means compromising, finding best solution, waiting for him if necessary and perhaps counseling. Moving on should be the worst case scenario as a result of failure of all of the above.

I'm sorry to say this, but even if he doesn't want to get married for the next 5 years, provided it's in the best interest of your child you have an obligation to wait it out.

P.S. I disagree he's not into commitment, there is no evidence in the post to suggest that he wants to cheat further down the line. She posted he beliefs he needs to be more ready financially.

**vashti** · 07-01-09, 08:20 AM

I'd definitely give him an ultimatum. If he isn't willing to commit to you after he helped you bring life into the world, he isn't ever going to do it and is wasting your time while cheating his child out of whatever security he was entitled to.

**Mish** · 07-01-09, 08:28 AM

Just as a side note, your child's security and well being will be significantly more worse off if you break up with your partner now than if you continue staying with him (provided he is a good father). You are at a significant disadvantage, having a child should have been post-poned until after marriage if being married is this important to you MzLadi.

**MzLadi** · 07-01-09, 08:29 AM

I am 26. And indeed we are bf/gf in a serious relationship. Also, there is no one pressuring me. I have just reached that point in my life where i want to grow and our relationship to grow.

**MzLadi** · 07-01-09, 08:31 AM

I am 26. And indeed we are bf/gf in a serious relationship. He constantly tells me that i am the best thing that has ever happened to him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Also, there is no one pressuring me. I have just reached that point in my life where i want to grow and our relationship to grow.

**bluesummer** · 07-01-09, 08:34 AM

I can't understand why you aren't living together, considering you're both adults that have a child together and are in a committed relationship. There's something a little odd about that alone, nevermind the whole marriage bit.

**vashti** · 07-01-09, 08:40 AM

He will probably offer to live with you as a means to avoid marriage. If you settle for that, you can probably kiss the idea of marriage goodbye.

BTW - is he still living at home with mommy and daddy?

**lesa** · 07-01-09, 08:44 AM

Something is definitely wrong here. The relationship is definitely bass-ackwards.

It sounds like you have entered a ghettofied relationship.

**MzLadi** · 07-01-09, 08:53 AM

He has asked me to move in but i said no because i knew that i would never get a ring if i did. And he does his own place. Also, we did not plan on getting pregnant. In fact i was on birth control when we became pregnant.

**lesa** · 07-01-09, 09:01 AM

I can only conclude that you don't give him that desire. He is just not that commited to you.

But maybe he is just not that into marriages. Do you want to end a relationship because of that?

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