Need Some Advice from the Regulars

[Junket]

Yo guys...here's the deal.

I actually got some good sleep last night, so it can't be just that I'm tired, though I do feel that way...But I've been disgruntled at work all day today.

I dunno, was just one of those things, where suddenly my mood switched to "leave me the fúck alone". Anyway, so I get this text message from Amy that says:

"i'm on my way to Roswell, NM! Today I'M the crazy one. Things are crazy with the ticket- but I'm workin on it. Miss you!"

Why did this put me in a much more miserable mood?

Maybe jealousy, maybe feelings of abandonment. Maybe both, or something else entirely. Y'see, Amy has been living with her sister, brother-in-law, and two nieces for the past month. From there she's been trying to find a job and an apartment. Because of where she's been, we were trying to wait until I moved to Oklahoma before we saw each other, or until she got an apartment because we didn't think it was appropriate I stayed in with them.

Soooo...this past Friday, a bunch of the staff she used to work with in New Orleans came to visit. And apparently she's going with them for a 12 day road trip.

A 12 day road trip.

Now, she has a free ticket (yes FREE) that we were looking to take advantage of because the time away from each other has been unbearable. But even though it's free, I've been trying to be conscience of the fact she's unemployed, and I soon will be. The ticket I'm looking to get purchased is for 4 days. That's including the 2 days of travel, which leaves me with a whole 2 days to be with her. I did this as a precaution should she have a job by then. I also never suggested she come visit me in Philly, once again in case she either had work, or had an interview or something during our time together.

But now I feel totally gypped.

My question is, do I have the right to be upset?

I know the staff at HONO (whom I know), are good friends of hers...but all I'm thinkin' is, why the fúck is she spending 12 days vacationing when she doesn't have a job or even her own place to stay? Here I am thinking of how I can limit my time with her so it's just enough to counter balance the hassle of flying for half a day to and from there.

I'm really pissed.

And really upset over this.

Now tell me why I should be, or why I shouldn't be.

I only want those who are already familiar with my backstory to reply to this.

EDIT: She'd be back "home" the 20th, and the flight I'm lookin' at is from the 21st to the 24th.

[vashti]

I think you are just jealous. Should you be? I dunno... She is still young and unencumbered, so I guess this is the time for her to make trips like this. I know you are interpreting this as she isn't making YOU her priority; I doubt that she was thinking that way at all.

I generally try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Unless her intentions were to hurt you, I'd try not to hold a grudge.

[Junket]

It's most definitely jealousy.

Then again, I'm the one who's gone through what would be a weeks worth of plane trips, if not more.

The one side of me is tellin' me to shut up and stop complaining, after all, this is a free ticket here.

But the other side of me still just so irritated that:

a) the ticket is already bought, and so I can't extend my stay, and a "4" day (which really means 2 days) trip is the least I will do, otherwise, any less and I'd spend more time traveling between locations than I would with her. Had I known she wasn't putting much emphasis on work, I'd of stayed longer. Then again, after her spending 12 days vacationing, now I'm not even sure I want to go. I will be fúcking pissed if I have to spend a fúcking minute waiting for her while she does a fúcking interview or spend any time looking for jobs while I'm there.

b) I planned in trying to accommodate more her tentative schedule more than my own.

c) I would have preferred she come visit me as it may be the last time in Philly for a while. And as such, it would have meant a lot to me if she spent time here. I once again was trying to be accommodating to the prospect that she might have work/interviews, so I never brought it up so as not to add any unnecessary pressure.

d) I'm embarrassed that I'm reacting this way at all. I can honestly say it'd been different had she taken this trip right after she had quit, as she had talked about doing something like that with the staff for a while. It's just for this whole past month she kept saying she's been trying to find a job, trying to find work, trying to find an apartment, and coming up with little to nothing, and suddenly she goes on a 12 day trip on a whim? That seems so irresponsible to me. Fúck, had this ticket not been free, I'd not even visit at all. I need to make money, save up because I don't know how long I'll be unemployed once I move.

F-U-C-K IT.

And F U C K LA for censoring this shit.

[Junket]

To put it all into perspective, and probably prove nothing more than I'm just a stressed, jealous-ridden, lonely guy...here's the chain of texts:

"i'm on my way to Roswell, NM! Today I'M the crazy one. Things are crazy with the ticket- but I'm workin on it. Miss you!"

6:21pm

Less than enthused I figured I'd ask...

Roswell? How long are ya road trippin'?

6:59pm

12 days- i'll be back on the 20th- just in time to pick you up the next day? (assuming i can work that mess out). Last full week of school for you! Yay!

7:07pm

Are you workin tonight or could I give you a quick call when we stop? If not, whens better? I need to get some points. =P that and I miss your sweet talkin'. =P

8:06pm

Notice my lack of exclamation points and smilies (yes I use those with her). She probably noticed the flat tone as well...Heh, I can't even fake a virtual smile...

Really tired tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I'll let you know. Busy the next few days. In the mean time hope you enjoy yourself.

8:15pm

Ok babe. Try not to work yourself too hard...Miss you. Oh! And I have an idea about where we can stay when ya visit. Ticket got booked, but in my name.

8:19 pm

Gah- gratuitous texting...But sounds like you might be upset a little. If so-just want to say that you're my favorite boy, and I care about you ridiculously.

10:28 pm

I know what I'm feeling has got to be irrational, but at this point I'm just trying to at least act rationally. I wasn't that tired at all, and could've talked to her, but I know I'd just be miserable, and get her down in her car full of friends, so I passed on the phone call.

I'm tryin' to cool down here understand why I'm so upset, and try to see it from her point of view. I know she's been busy even though she hasn't had work what with taking care of her nieces and lookin' for a job. Maybe she needs something like a 12 day vacation before she gets back to the grind? I mean, she hasn't had real time off since she's quit. Hell, after what she's been doin' the past year, she deserves it, right?

At the same time, I don't want to feel embarrassed for feeling what I'm feeling. Don't want to hold it in and let it fester, so I'm trying to deal with it as maturely as possible without bringin' it down on her while she should be having a good time.

ARGH.

Imma go for a walk, and exert some of this energy.

[vashti]

Had she known you were up for spending more time with her, I am sure she would have jumped at the chance. You should have told her what you were thinking. I think you are just sorry you aren't staying longer because you miss her. She is probably sad that you passed up the chance to talk to her.

Maybe you SHOULD talk to her... tell her you are jealous you aren't with her and everyone else is.

[Junket]

Had she known you were up for spending more time with her, I am sure she would have jumped at the chance. You should have told her what you were thinking. I think you are just sorry you aren't staying longer because you miss her. She is probably sad that you passed up the chance to talk to her.

Maybe you SHOULD talk to her... tell her you are jealous you aren't with her and everyone else is.

Thanks Vashti.

Y'know, it's like, the entire time, I knew what I needed to know. But I just had to wrap my stupid emotional head around it.

She needs this time. She deserves it!

This is probably gonna be the last time she hangs out with the group, maybe ever. She had talked about it with them before, and how could she pass up the chance now? After this, she most definitely will be working. I mean, I'm getting a free trip to see her, and I'll be living much closer to her in a month!

I know I have every right to feel what I feel without feeling embarrassed by it. I know I should have said many of the things I omitted (like her visiting Philly instead). But I had to cool my jets. Come off feeling like she did me some wrong. I talked to my brother and vented about it, and feel much better now.

I'm gonna talk to her, let her know I hope she has a good time, 'cause she really does deserve to. Let her know how I felt about things, and how I came to terms with my own buck wild emotions.

Then let her know I miss her, and can't wait to see her.

Yeah...I think that's a pretty good course of action.

What would I do without you guys(Vash)?

[vashti]

You are a good guy, Fras.

[IndiReloaded]

You don't have to be rational all the time, Fras.

You miss her, you'd like to be the one spending time & having fun w/her. That is all. Perfectly natural.

The distance is temporary and will pass. You'll see her soon. Sleep on it; you'll feel better tomorrow.

[Junket]

You don't have to be rational all the time, Fras.

No...but I try to act rational. I don't want my emotions to get the best of me, or my relationship. She had done no wrong, so calling her up or whatever when I was feeling the most sour about it would have done little more than just escalate the situation. Now that I'm cooled, and boiled it all down to what it is, I just need to talk to her about it.

[Gigabitch]

Fras, I would be all manner of wounded over this, too. It's completely unreasonable and you're acting like an immature little bitch, bla bla bla, and I would feel exactly the same way.

How you feel and how you act are different. IMO, you're being remarkably well-behaved. You're not pitching a big fit or anything. You can't act like a brat, but there's no reason why you shouldn't feel upset by this. It's ****ing upsetting.

Hopefully, your future with Ames will be so rich and long that this will fade into the distance.

[bohemiandonut]

Stupid girls.

[Junket]

We discussed it.

She even said after she jumped into the car with her friends that she was feeling intense remorse. I mean, I was pretty surprised that she went given her current situation, and we have a tendency to think a like on things like that.

The other thing is that she said she wondered why I didn't want to spend more time with her during my visit, but assumed that I didn't want to take off too much from work.

This is not uncommon for us to worry, and try to look out for the other, that we completely overlook what we both really want.

It's sad really.

Clearly, we still have some communication issues.

Then again, that's all we can have seeing as our relationship until October 15th is purely on communication.

But all in all, it's all good now.

I'm glad we got to discuss it.

OH, and apparently the person who was supposed to book the ticket (since it was a thank you gift from an organization), fúcked up the ticket and put it under Amy's name. Which means I can't use it. So we need to get that sorted out. Hopefully this will be an opportunity for us to extend the visit by a day. But we'll see.

[anachronistic]

show love with no remorse and...
climb on to your seahorse and...

i understand your feelings of jealousy, it's always good to communicate your longings, especially in dire situations. glad to hear it's going good.

[vashti]

OH, and apparently the person who was supposed to book the ticket (since it was a thank you gift from an organization), fúcked up the ticket and put it under Amy's name. Which means I can't use it. So we need to get that sorted out. Hopefully this will be an opportunity for us to extend the visit by a day. But we'll see.

Maybe she can come to you, then.