Exclusive dating but no commitment in the future?

[Daniela06]

A couple days ago the guy that I've been dating for 2 months and I decided to see each other exclusively. However, he told me for the first time that he isn't totally emotionally available yet since he broke up with his ex-girlfriend 5 months ago and isn't really over that yet and that this is the first time in years that he is single and wants to find himself. He also said that he might hold back a little and try not to get too attached to me because he doesn't want to get hurt.

I don't want to pressure him and want to give him all the time he needs and take things slow. However, I'm worried that I might get too attached and get hurt myself.

Do you think it's a bad sign that he told me he isn't ready to be in another relationship yet? He was the one who said that he doesn't want us to see other people and that he wants me in his life right now and wants to see where this goes but I'm still not sure about the chances that he might be ready for a new commitment let's say in half a year from now. I really like him and I know I would be able to take it slow, give him space and remain a challenge cause that's just my personality but I'm still worried.

[indigosoul]

Hmmm. Sounds to me as if he has benn straight with you. You don't say how long he was with his previous SO, but 5 months doesn't seem an unreasonable amount of time to still have feelings for someone, especially if they were close.

I think you're being a little premature about worring about things, esp. commitment at only two months. You are both still getting to know each other. If, the same issue is at hand, say, a year from now, I'd say you have a problem.

Just go with the flow, hun. You guys are exclusive, which is good from the perspective of STDs, so unless he's pining for this other woman and deliberately holding back (or hoping they might get back together), I'd say the best thing you can do is be understanding. Give him the time he needs and enjoy the time together you have.

[Daniela06]

Hmmm. Sounds to me as if he has benn straight with you. You don't say how long he was with his previous SO, but 5 months doesn't seem an unreasonable amount of time to still have feelings for someone, especially if they were close.

I think you're being a little premature about worring about things, esp. commitment at only two months. You are both still getting to know each other. If, the same issue is at hand, say, a year from now, I'd say you have a problem.

Just go with the flow, hun. You guys are exclusive, which is good from the perspective of STDs, so unless he's pining for this other woman and deliberately holding back (or hoping they might get back together), I'd say the best thing you can do is be understanding. Give him the time he needs and enjoy the time together you have.

Thanks!
They were together for 2 years. He was the one who broke up with her. He said the reason was that she always got upset over little thing and he felt pressured a lot.

I don't know, I think we also have a very different idea of the the bf/gf concept. When I asked him about the difference between being exclusive and being bf/gf he said that to him bf/gf means that you are seriously committed and thinking about marriage etc., whereas exclusive dating is how you get to know someone that well and eventually get to that point and if everything goes well which he assumes then our serious dating will lead to being bf/gf. I think the intention and interest is there. I'm just wondering whether it's too risky since he isn't totally available yet or if I should just give it a chance to see what happens since he really seems to be a keeper.

[indigosoul]

As I said, he seems to have been straight w/you. Its up to you. But if you really dig this fellow, then I'd say give it more than two months. If it works out, great. If not, well, he sounds decent and you will probably both grow from the experience. This is what relationships are about anyway, regardless of their length (all relationships, even lifelong marriages, eventually end, hun). Mutual growth. Enjoy!

[clynn]

Hey!

Don't sell yourelf too short.

Being in an exclusive relationship but not being committed and serious is an opportunity for BOTH of you to get to know each other being taking further more serious steps.

Can you honestly say after 2 months that you know him well enough to take this steps? That you love and trust him enough to be committed to him?? Hopefully you are also keeping your guard up at least a little bit, enough to get to know him properly.

You can't rush these things too much. And you can't know if it is going to go to Step 3 when you're still just beginnging Step 2. That's the whole point. After a few months you may decide yourself that he doesn't do it for you, or you may both realize that you're incompatible for a long term relationship.

Just go with it for now.

Don't let it all be about HIM making the decisions and having the say about whether or not you'll becoming serious and committed. Keep in mind that you also need to get to know him better before you can commit further.

[Chlorine]

Daniela06----"He also said that he might hold back a little and try not to get too attached to me because he doesn't want to get hurt."

He is so open with his feelings you already have been told where he stands. Since he has reservations about his own feelings and about you, than I think you should be on your guard.
He's carrying too much of the past; has issues that he still hasn't dealt with.
Just go on dates with him, and stop worrying about the big "C" word. Commitment etc.

[Tone]

HEY!!!

Why do you keep making NEW posts and ignoring me!!

What ever happened with you finding out he slept with some girl while you were away??

Remember you found the card in the trash from some girl???

[Tone]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11277-my-guy-is-sleeping-with-someone-else---help-please.html[/url]

Geez - just look at the titles of the threads you've started about this guy... it's almost as if you KNOW you shouldn't be with him but just hoping one of us internet-people can give you some reassurance this jerkoff *IS* actually a good catch.

Well he sure don't sound like it from your posts!

Check it out for yourself folks:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/search.php?searchid=200417[/url]

[indigosoul]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/t11277-my-guy-is-sleeping-with-someone-else---help-please.html[/url]

Geez - just look at the titles of the threads you've started about this guy... it's almost as if you KNOW you shouldn't be with him but just hoping one of us internet-people can give you some reassurance this jerkoff *IS* actually a good catch.

Well he sure don't sound like it from your posts!

Check it out for yourself folks:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/search.php?searchid=200417[/url]

Oh, my, my. I only read the first link (the 2nd doesn't work, Tone), but it sounds bad.

Now, I DO try to be objective about things. So there IS the possibility that the card was a keepsake from a previous year?? Its possible he was cleaning out his memory box to get over this chick/old GF (unlikely, but she didn't state a date/year on the card). In any case, I would confront the fellow and get the scoop. But it doesn't look good, not at all...

Don't ignore Tone, hun. His advice is usually spot-on.

[Daniela06]

Oh, my, my. I only read the first link (the 2nd doesn't work, Tone), but it sounds bad.

Now, I DO try to be objective about things. So there IS the possibility that the card was a keepsake from a previous year?? Its possible he was cleaning out his memory box to get over this chick/old GF (unlikely, but she didn't state a date/year on the card). In any case, I would confront the fellow and get the scoop. But it doesn't look good, not at all...

Don't ignore Tone, hun. His advice is usually spot-on.

Tone, sorry I didn't ignore you. I just didn't have time to give you all an update on my situation. I talked to him about where we stand and what we both want and HE said that he was seeing a girl around Christmas and to him we weren't exclusive after having known each other for only 3 weeks before I went away. He said that he isn't seeing anyone else now and wants us to date exclusively. I spent a lot of time thinking about all that and since he was so open and honest with everything, I came to the conclusion that I'm going to give it a chance.

We spend a lot of time together and everything seems to be going well. Today after a great weekend that we spent together he even made plans for the next weekend already. He also offered that I can leave some of my things at his place. So right now I'm just enjoying the time we have and I'm trying to take it slow without getting attached too much.

[Tone]

HE said that he was seeing a girl around Christmas and to him we weren't exclusive after having known each other for only 3 weeks before I went away. He said that he isn't seeing anyone else now and wants us to date exclusively.

WHO CALLED IT?

I agree with TAVS... this guy set you up. He did the whole "I don't want you to date anyone.. but I understand if you do" so that you're all excited he wants to be serious with you and knowing after that YOU WON'T see anyone.. but then also left it open to "But we'll have to talk more about it when you get back.." so that *IF* you did find out (which you did) he can pull the "Well we didn't decide anything, we said we'd talk about it when you came back."

You got played, you're being played. If he liked you as much as he claimed - he would not have slept with ANY girl while you were away - PERIOD. Bottom line. You deserve better.

And..

So right now I'm just enjoying the time we have and I'm trying to take it slow without getting attached too much.

Sounds like it's too late for that - if you put up with so much crap from this guy so far sounds like you're ALREADY attached.

[vashti]

Daniela, it is too soon to be worried about a commitment, and you are bound to be the rebound girl anyway. Spare yourself the agony.

It's a good thing Tone is around to remind us of your other posts.