Angry, needy and take things too personally

[dutchian]

Hi everyone, I don't know why I am here but I guess it's out of desperation and just need advices from people who may be having the same problems.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year now (by 2/14 will be a year.) Things were great and all but we are in a long distance relationship, he is in Germany and I am here in the US. Before he came over here to stay with me for 3 months everything was great, burst of rainbows and unicorns....what have you. Though in the back of my head I knew that it is because it is all new and we barely see each other, so a lot of our expectations of each other were a little out of whack. He came visit me for 3 months last fall, things were good the first month but then things went down hill. We stopped having sex because he said he doesn't find me physically attractive and that he gained weight and felt embarrassed. I don't know why he couldn't look past that, at least the part of him being fat since I don't care. Lots of time I just think he's the most shallow person I've ever known.

In fact, I used to go see a shrink because of my anger problem and for 3 years I was pretty chill and was a pretty happy person, till I met him. He pushes every single one of my button and one day I exploded, I pinned him down and was choking him, I was scared of myself. I love him deeply and he loves me too, if someone does that to me I would not put up with it, knowing him he could have easily walked out.

I asked him why do you still stick with me? He says he sees a lot of potential in us. So actually as of now we are both working really hard to be more financially stable, because finance was a major problem as to why we were in pretty bad shape.

Now that he is in Germany, he has been busy, basically from 7am to 9 to 10pm everyday. He is not as affectionate as he used to be and my mind is still stick in the past when he used to be so cute and always cling on me. Now he just seems cold and distant. Well, most of the time he's just tired...I try not to make excuse for him because I feel the way I feel. Then I have to really think things over, such as when we talk he says things like "you know we are doing this for us right?" or things like our future plans together. On the other hand, I feel like I want affection, I want him to be there for me, and of course I was coming off as clingy which is the last thing I wanna be...anyways....I got mad at him and he said he doesn't understand why I always have to complain and blah blah blah....I don't know...you can tell from a person's tone if things are ok, and with him I think he has more resentment than love for me and I don't know why we are still together. But one thing I know is that I still love him, a lot, and there's no doubt in my mind he loves me also.

I just feel like my anger problem is getting worse.....I sometimes think about physically hurting him and I have to stop myself from thinking that, it's pretty painful yet I don't know...I get this sense of high on being angry and I can't help it....perhaps I should go back to my shrink.

Sorry for the long post, at least I'm letting it out, it feels much better already....

[Gigabitch]

What a mess.

I'm afraid I don't share his opinion that there's a lot of potential for you as a couple. You both sound like you bring out the worst in one another.

[dutchian]

Yeah, that's how I feel...but then there are times when I do see a lot of potential, the fact that this business thing we are doing is actually great because we are actually working as a team. I just can't get over the fact that I want him around all the time and is constantly angry or needy.

[Gigabitch]

Well, I just can't get over the fact that a fat boy told you he wasn't physically attracted to you because you gained some weight.

No wonder you're angry.

[dutchian]

you're absolutely right, I don't know what to do now, I'll just see what happens, doing my best here, either it flourishes or it rots.

[qwertz]

I would walk away.

[MVPlaya]

I would walk away from you.

You need to work on your anger issues. I know people who get a high from anger, honestly, I get a high from anger, but I've always known to control it. I don't get into fights, and, luckily, being built the way I am, others never try to start fights with me. However, I see them act violent towards others, towards people they know they can be violent to without fear of reprisal. You pick on him because he angers you, but also because you can. You are making life worse for him, hurting his self-esteem, his pride, and his very feelings of worthiness. You are bad for him, and, truthfully, though he wants to be, he's not the right guy for you either, at least not at this point of your life.

Pick up a hobby, go to the gym, start running, hike mountains, anything that helps get the energy out without harming the people in your life. You have destructive tendencies. There are people who probably get into fights much more frequently than you, but they approach it differently, you have a problem in that you enjoy the sensation of power and harming others, its a bad emotional need and one you really need to control if you want to have a good future.

[QueenofCorona]

I think you definitely need to address the anger issues again. Seriously, if you go off on him again physically you may wind up in jail for domestic. You'll end up on COPS. You don't want that on your record.