Should I tell my BF about this before he proposes?

[Frock]

Hello, everyone. I'm new here so please be gentle and guide me along!

I'm in my mid-to-late twenties and I'm seeing this wonderful, amazing guy who is probably to propose to me on February 14th next year (Valentine's Day). He's pretty much made it obvious that he will. Since we're both from traditional Asian backgrounds, he's even asked his parents to fly over from overseas so that both our families will be present for the proposal. His parents and my parents have also talked and they know why he wants us all together on that day, so it's common knowledge, I guess? Barring any sudden cold feet from him (which is highly doubtful, because he just ain't a "cold feet" kinda guy), I know that he will propose.

Okay. That's the GREAT news. I've been seeing him for six months and they've been the best months of my life; he's everything I've ever wanted, and I can see us building a future and a family together. He also feels the same.

The thing is, there's one thing he doesn't know about me - five years ago, I used to be clinically depressed (from the ages of 18/19 to 21 yrs old). Of course, I've been ABSOLUTELY all right since then - I've gotten my postgraduate degree, have become a published author, am doing my dream job and have become a very happy and fulfilled person. Since my depression was half a decade ago, should I still tell him about it? It wasn't because of anything except a kind of leftover PTSD from having lived in a war zone while I was very little, and having to deal with those violent things I'd seen as a child; that was why I became depressed as a teenager, although I got therapy for it and then by the age of 21 I had totally recovered.

I have told him that I was "very troubled" during this time and that I read a lot of spiritual and philosophical books to get me to feel better (which is actually true - it was even more important for me than my therapist), so he sort of half-knows already. But I've shied away from using the term "clinically depressed" for two reasons: 1) the social stigma associated with it, especially in Asian culture, and 2) his Mum used to work as a nurse in a psychiatric ward, and after her one-time comment (said in complete sympathy) that serious mental illnesses were "practically impossible" to cure, I really don't want her or my BF to think that I'm still depressed or that I might become depressed again. It seriously won't happen; in the 5 years since my depression, I've had plenty of opportunities to relapse if I still had it in me to be depressed, due to things like the deaths of beloved family members, a broken heart resulting from a rejection from a guy I had loved at the time, tough economic situations etc. But I never went back to that darkness, no matter what, not even for an instant; I've really become a positive person from the inside-out, thanks to the very hard work I did to get myself out of depression. Negative thoughts just don't stick anymore.

So should I still tell him? I feel like I should, because if he's going to propose to me and wants to share his life with me, shouldn't I share my past with him? Or is it irrelevant at this stage, after so many years of being depression-free? I kind of feel it isn't, because even if I'm not depressed anymore, it was an important formative experience for me as a young adult; it explains a lot about why I am so positive-thinking and resilient now. I kind of look back and see it as a beneficial experience, now; it tested my inner strength and I survived to become even stronger than before. I don't necessarily think it's a "bad" thing...

But both my parents have advised me against telling him, because there's no point in "raising doubts when there's nothing to doubt anymore" (in my Mum's words). "If you must tell him, just tell him after a year or two of marriage," my Dad says, "so that he has already seen how absolutely happy and healthy you are from day-to-day; it won't even matter if you tell him then. It'll be a thing of the distant past."

I know my parents want the best for me, but part of me still thinks I ought to just be honest and tell him right now; he's a compassionate and wonderful man, and I don't think he's going to stigmatize me... I suppose the one thing that worries me is that his Mum (who is also a very sweet person but after all, a normal protective Mum like any other), might advise him against marrying me because of this past condition. Remember that we come from traditional Asian backgrounds... Parental advice means a LOT to us. It isn't inviolable by any means, but it really weighs on our minds, you know?

What do you think? Should I tell my boyfriend (and follow my heart), or not tell him (and follow my parents' advice)? In the past, I've seen that despite what my heart tells me, my parents have often turned out to be right - after all, my heart is a young and foolish one! Like I said... parental advice means a lot in my culture.

So I want to be cautious this time and really think about the consequences both ways. I don't want my BF to think later that I lied (then again, I haven't really, since I told him I was depressed and troubled, just not "clinically" so), but I also don't want my using the "clinical" word to result in an abandonment of the proposal because of a fear of potential mental illness from his family. Okay, maybe not an abandonment (he won't do that!), but I don't want his family to have any fears about me anyway...

Gah, this is so difficult. Please offer up your ideas! At least with some points of view other than my own or my parents', I can feel that I really have tried to consult some unbiased people. Lol.

Thanks for being so patient and reading all this!

[inloveinchina]

Hello,

I think you must tell him.

And least, it depends what you want out of marriage. If you want to share your life with someone, isn't this your life? If it turns out he can't accept it, how can you share it?

But I think the bigger problem is that you and perhaps your parents haven't quite come to terms with the period you went through. And if you think it is a big deal, and something worth worrying about, then he will as well.

But it's not worth worrying about. You're better now and depression is a totally normal thing that happens to normal people, let alone people who grew up in a warzone. You should be able to chat about this as if it doesn't matter, you certainly shouldn't feel that you need to hide it.

But maybe you need not worry about doing so before he proposes. Before walking up the altar, yes, but maybe not now - after all you have only known each other 6 months.

But I understand how you feel about your parents' advice and perhaps it is best to convince them why you need to be totally open with the person you want to share your life with.

[Frock]

Thank you SO MUCH, inloveinchina! What you said about being able to chat about it is totally true; I really don't feel (or didn't feel) it was as much of a big deal until my parents told me I shouldn't talk about it. And then I started wondering, could they be right? They're probably just anxious for my sake...

I do want to tell him before we get married, because you're right, I want us to build a relationship where we can truly be comfortable and trusting with each other. It would seem rather sad to me that I wouldn't be able to give such an amazing man and my husband-to-be enough trust to be able to tell him this!

Since my parents do matter to me, I'll talk to them and try to convince them of the importance of this as well.

Thanks.

[vashti]

I also think you should tell him. Clinical depression IS difficult to treat, and often rears its head during and after pregnancy. He is at risk (though to what degree is debatable), and he has a right to make an informed decision.

Fortunately for you, logic usually loses out to emotion.

[Frock]

Vashti, that's a good practical point that I hadn't even thought of... Yes, he ought to know. I can't believe something this obvious hadn't occurred to me, d'oh, post-natal depression!

Logically AND emotionally, telling him is the right choice. Thanks.

[Frock]

By the way, what's the etiquette for deleting posts on this forum? Is it going to look weird if I delete my post after I get a couple of replies? I just feel uncomfortable leaving my posts lying around indefinitely... Then again, this is the first "advice" forum I've ever joined so I don't know if people normally delete posts with telling personal details anyway. Do they?

Lol, sorry for the weird question!

[vashti]

You can delete the whole thread, since you started it. Just edit your original post, using the litt;e tabs in the lower right hand corner of the box..

[Frock]

Oh, thank you very much! I'll wait a little longer b4 deleting.