Feel Awful for my EX

[d00y00]

Me and my ex recently split up after 2 years. We are both 18, and were really close for a year before we got together. We have grown up together, and have been the most important person in each others lives for most of our teenage years. My ex had a lot of hard times in her life, and she has not got a great family support network, so she would always talk to me about her problems. She also developed a great relationship with my mum (because she doesn't have a mum), and my mum almost acted as a mum to her. The reason we broke up is that it just wasn't working anymore. We found ourselves arguing so much, and she felt insecure, and felt that i wasn't treating her right and wasn't putting in as much as her. I did not deny this, as i just felt the relationship had got so comfortable, and i think the relationship had gotten more serious for her. Although she means the world to me, i just didn't feel the relationship was working, as she was always being really petty and having a go at me for not putting in enough effort. It is my first ever love and relationship, and i guess with my age and immaturity, i wasn't ready to settle down in one serious relationship. I need to live.

The break up has been really hard on my ex especially. She has gone from having me as the most important person in her life, and the comfort and stability of my family, to being all alone over night. We are also part of the same close friendship group, so she inevitably sees me quite often. She agrees that it wasn't working and that it was right to end it, but at the same time she says she still loves me and is clinging onto hope that it could work now. However i have told her that i know deep down it cant work at this point in our lives, and we need to accept it didn't work. She means so so much to me, and although i cant be in a relationship with her, i always want to be her friend, because i would hate to not have her in my life at all. However she tells me that she doesnt know whether she can be just my friend, as for the whole time shes known my shes never been able to see me as just a friend, as theres something about me she just craves for more.

Its making life really difficult for both of us, especially being in the same friendship group. Your meant to look forward to seeing friends, but at the moment i dread it because i hate seeing her upset so much. On the one hand i dont want to isolate myself because its not fair on anyone, and is unhealthy. But at the same time i worry that by seeing her in a group, im just making it harder for her to move on, and am being selfish.

I absolutely hate seeing her upset because i care about her so much. Im at a point where im moving on and starting to feel happy again, but then seeing her upset genuinely pulls me right back down. It makes me feel sick, and i just feel sad all the time knowing she's upset.

I am unsure how to act of what to do. Shall i continue to see her in the friendship group, because i think its really important that she sees friends a lot at this point. If she sees me strictly in the group of friends, will she learn to accept me as just a friend, and cope with me not being more?

I do have my days where i miss the good times, and we do get on very well, but i just know at this point in my life i cant make it work, because i cant give her the same effort as she gives me. And i think with my age, its inevitable its not going to work because my eyes wandered near the end, because im curious as to what else is out there, despite having loved my ex a lot. I feel this curiosity is a natural part of growing up, and its important for me to get out there and live.

Please help.

[DarkHelmet82]

why did you break up?

[Nicholas_V]

You need to have another talk with her, explain to her again that breaking up does not necessarily mean writing off each other. You say you care about her and that you want to keep her as a friend - make this clear to her. Tell her that she doesn't need to worry of "finding herself alone overnight", because it doesn't have to be this way. But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship.

Then let her choose if she wants to keep you as a close friend or cut off communication with you.

[DarkHelmet82]

Dont lead her on!

[tremolo]

Do her a favor and just leave her alone. Seriously. It makes me so mad when some guy who breaks my heart starts giving me all this charitable crap, when basically he doesn't want to be with me cause he thinks he can do better/wants someone else. Don't wreak more havoc on her emotions to assuage your own bad feelings about the choice you made.

[DarkHelmet82]

word of advice. YOU CANT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX! People who say they can are just lying... and if they actually are it wasnt right away.

[Wakeup]

You need to have another talk with her, explain to her again that breaking up does not necessarily mean writing off each other. You say you care about her and that you want to keep her as a friend - make this clear to her. Tell her that she doesn't need to worry of "finding herself alone overnight", because it doesn't have to be this way. But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship.

Then let her choose if she wants to keep you as a close friend or cut off communication with you.

OP: This is the worse thing you could do to her. If you ever loved her you will not try to keep her back burnered while you go off and see if there is anything better out there then her. Don't be the guy that's too afraid to let one go before he finds another. I call those monkey-men... then have to securily latch onto the branch ahead of them before they let go of the branch behind them.

If you have any empathy for her you will let her get on with her life and find a man who wants to be with her and has no desire to look for greener grass. Don't be selfish. Don't be a pussy either. If you leave you don't get to cling to her in case you don't find something better. What "Nicholas" proposes is TOTALLY leading her on.

[Nicholas_V]

What part of "But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship. " you don't understand?

From the OP's description, I understand that his former gf has no actual social networks of her own- except the ones they share. He can let her crash the hard way or give her some time to cushion the fall. I would do the latter if I really cared for someone, and I don't consider myself a "monkey-man" or whatever else you write in your earlier posts...

[DarkHelmet82]

I think you should just tell her flat out that you "care about her." BUT you DO NOT want to get back with her and never will... BUT if you do this make sure you are confident in your decision. Being friends with her will just make it harder for her, but if you have the same group of friends it doenst mean you need to be cold towards her.

[tremolo]

What part of "But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship. " you don't understand?

From the OP's description, I understand that his former gf has no actual social networks of her own- except the ones they share. He can let her crash the hard way or give her some time to cushion the fall. I would do the latter if I really cared for someone, and I don't consider myself a "monkey-man" or whatever else you write in your earlier posts...

Oh, I understand that perfectly well. Listen - if the OP does what you're suggesting, he's going to heap TONS more pain on this poor poor girl he's already kicked in the teeth. Greg Behrendt puts it this way: if you've been recently dumped, then you just won the winning ticket to the pain lottery. You can either take it in one lump sum, or you can spread it out and take it a little bit at a time for a period of weeks/months/years. The point being that it is way easier to just deal with the pain and get over it by severing all ties with your ex than by trying to be 'friends', which is clearly a ridiculous idea.

I am in sort of the same situation as the OPs ex at the moment. Although I am a lot older and probably a lot more independent, I met my bf when I was new to the city and he effectively became my social life. I don't have a lot of friends here, so now I am dumped and have to go make new friends. The very LAST thing that would help me right now is if my ex started inviting me to hang out with his law crew like we used to, just so I could feel better about him saying 'hey guess what, I'm better off without your love'.

As much as any guy might want the ego trip of dumping a woman and yet continuing to shepherd her as if she would be totally lost without him, it's wrong on a lot of levels. Fact is, this girl is probably a lot tougher than you give her credit for, and the OP needs to realize he is not always going to be the center of her universe - nor should he be when he clearly doesn't love her.

[Wakeup]

What part of "But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship. " you don't understand?

From the OP's description, I understand that his former gf has no actual social networks of her own- except the ones they share. He can let her crash the hard way or give her some time to cushion the fall. I would do the latter if I really cared for someone, and I don't consider myself a "monkey-man" or whatever else you write in your earlier posts...

What part of "But be clear that there is no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship. "

Do you honestly believe that she will hear any of that part about "no hope of you two getting back together in a romantic relationship?" Geeezus man, you think it's that simple. You think you are being kind by keeping her around and NOT BEING HER BOYFRIEND WHILE LOOKING FOR OTHER OPTIONS AND HER SEEING HIM WITH OTHER WOMEN??? You're delusional.

You can't quit smoking if you keep having a cigarette. He's best to let her go cold turkey and heal to the point that she's indifferent to him then to keep her around and continually feeding her addiction to him.

[confusius]

Dude! Leave her alone. My ex gf tried to be nice with me and shit. F*CK shit!! That was more painful. I know if you really think through this you will find a way to deal with the situation without having to isolate yourself and to put her through alot of headache.